Ice Cold Takes: Cup-lumbus actually won, the Drake curse hits the NHL

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. The Tampa Bay Lightning of columns: Well structured, but lacking a fan base or any sort of skill when it matters.

Boom Roasted! I guess the NHL’s President’s Trophy doesn’t mean anything when the President is a joke. Boom roasted, Mr. President! Thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who picked Tampa Bay players in their NHL playoff pools. The Lightning were true to form, but their playoff choke came about two rounds earlier than usual.

The Pittsburgh Penguins were also swept in the first round of the playoffs. Wait, what? The Penguins benefited hugely by getting knocked off about an hour after the Lightning because absolutely no one was talking about it. The Pens losing four straight to the Islanders would be a big story in any other postseason but this year, most of us have probably already forgotten about it because we were too busy making Lightning jokes.

This week’s column also marks the (perhaps brief) return of the betting column. Load up your betting accounts or call your bookie, we’re going to take this false sense of financial faith right to the bank!

Trending Up

Cup-lumbus

Even a broken clock is right twice a day! Last week, we discussed Tampa Bay’s habit of choking in the playoffs. We also discussed how this Columbus team is far different than they have been in years past in that they are built to take down giants and make a deep Stanley Cup run. Okay, the last bit was more so implied, but you got it. Cup-lumbus isn’t catching on yet, but it will.

The Blue Jackets torched the Lightning. Artemi Panarin then went and made it a whole lot worse in the handshake line. He and Nikita Kucherov have to be really good friends, otherwise, this would never fly.

The official Columbus Twitter account wasn’t much better.

What a bunch of savages in Ohio. Wow. Enjoy it while it lasts, Columbus, which will probably be until June when you are hoisting the Stanley Cup.

The Drake Curse 

If you haven’t heard of the “Drake curse” it’s pretty simple. Whichever team is supported by famous Canadian rapper Drake will end up losing in a heartbreaking fashion. Drake is responsible for Alabama losing the National Title, the Miami Heat losing to the Dallas Mavericks and a handful of soccer teams losing games. His curse has lost teams so many soccer games that a team recently banned their team from taking pictures with him.

Drake has a habit of going back to cheering for hometown Toronto teams when it’s convenient. He’s the Toronto Raptors official ambassador (whatever that means) but he spends more time rapping about Golden State. He’s a bandwagon jumper. To no one’s surprise, his recent foray into the NHL had him jumping back to being a Maple Leafs fan the day after the Lightning were eliminated.

If Toronto loses this series, it won’t be because of Nazem Kadri. The loss will rest solely on the shoulders of the freshly stitched Jersey of Toronto-born Aubrey Drake Graham.

Patrik Laine’s beard 

It’s back! The beard certainly didn’t help the Jets in their 3-2 loss to the St. Louis Blues on Thursday night, in which they blew a two-goal lead in the back half of the third period, but hey – he’s been playing well.

I’ll keep you posted on this if the Jets get out of the first round and the beard gets to the same disgusting levels it did last season.

Trending down

Tampa Bay Lightning

Steven Stamkos told the media that the Lightning have “the structure” to win the Cup. What does that mean? They have the right amount of defensemen, forwards and a goalie? I have “the structure” to shoot 65 at Augusta but guess what, I never will. Arms legs and a head make me capable but there’s a lot more that goes into it than that. You lost to the Blue Jackets, Steve!

The Lightning have officially become the Washington Capitals. President’s Trophy winners who will disappear in the playoffs for years to come. The Lightning Twitter account didn’t help their case at all, releasing this after game 4:

Wow. Next time you go out with the crew for a few drinks and you end up blacked out at 3 a.m. just print out this tweet and hand it to your husband or wife when you get home.

Canadian hotels 

How the hell does your luxury hotel not provide access to Game of Thrones during its final season? Wherever the Boston Bruins stayed in Toronto last week is a hotel I wouldn’t recommend staying at on Sundays for the next five weeks.

https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1117867758899875841

Thankfully, David Pastrnak is a wizard and most likely got this television going, just like he got his game going on Wednesday night, scoring two goals in the Bruins’ 6-4 win against the Leafs. Side note: Chris Wagner. Good looking dude.

The Ottawa Senators 

Why the hell are we talking about the Ottawa Senators in April? Because Mark Stone just torched his ex-team for no good reason (and I love it).

Shot’s fired, Mark!

Bonus: NHL Gambling is BACK!

Who is ready to win some money?! Playoff hockey is one of the hardest things to bet on, so I’m here to make it easy for you. Like Theo Fleury said, it isn’t about things like stats or analytics, it’s about heart… and balls!

Calgary Flames (+160 puckline) over Colorado Avalanche – How long will it take for the Flames to figure out how to stop one player? Calgary needs a win tonight and chances are, they’d love to make it a statement win. The puckline should be safe as Colorado will let in an empty netter or two at the end.

Winnipeg Jets (+120 Moneyline) over St. Louis Blues – The road team has won every game in this series. I still believe that Winnipeg is the better team and they proved that #Winnington was beatable when they hung six on him in Game 4. Lock in the Jets money line and put a little extra on the puck line if you like free money.

Odds provided by Oddsshark.

Keep your head up.