Ice Cold Takes: NHL fanbases are all so mean to each other!

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column about what is trending in the NHL. Are the Hurricanes actually going to win the Stanley Cup?

I’m assuming everyone who read last week’s column has now seen the 2014 Oscar snub Avalanche Sharks. The inadvertent NHL pairing has spurred a wave of new support for the movie, which has now skyrocketed to the top of the Netflix trending section (Just an assumption – could be true). What other match ups would make great movies?

Blue Jackets vs. Bruins: A Right to Bear Arms – A trained circus bear is recruited to fight for the Blue Coats of the Union Army in the American Civil War. Starring Chris Pine, probably.

Stars vs. Blues: A Blues Star is Born – The sequel to A Star is Born, directed by Bradley Cooper. Cooper is a famous but washed up blues guitarist. A younger, attractive country singer from Dallas is looking for her big break, meets Cooper and they fall in love. Instant Oscar buzz.

Hurricanes vs. Islanders: Hurricane Island – A documentary about 2018.

Trending Up

Seth Jones

Can this kid play hockey or what? Seth Jones has the cardio of a marathon sprinter, the strength of an Olympic weightlifter the hockey IQ of a… really smart guy with a high hockey IQ. The point is, he’s good. Really good.

Jones has been a wall for the Blue Jackets and apparently bears have a hard time climbing walls. Jones is proving that at $5.4 million per year, he’s going to be a bargain for the Jackets through the remaining three years of his contract. He can hold his own on offense as well, notching four assists through four games against the Bruins in round two. Nothing bad or funny to say about this guy, just pointing out that he’s incredible at hockey.

Hockey names

The Western Hockey League is in for a season of beauties next year, as Jayden, Jaden Kayden, Brayden, Braden, Aidan, Hayden Caeden and Braeden (really?) join Braydan, Kaden, Caiden, Haydn… wow this is ridiculous. If you or your kid have an “ay-den” sounding name, get into hockey immediately. It’s almost guaranteed you’ll be entered into a draft. If for nothing else but building these lists.

David Pastrnak

On Thursday afternoon, there was a select group of Bruins fans pondering if healthy scratching David Pastrnak was a good idea. This is most likely the same group that pushes for the Bruins to reacquire Milan Lucic every trade deadline or insist that Tuukka Rask is a terrible goaltender. There are a surprising number of Bruins fans who believe all three of these things to be true.

Like slamming a giant bowl of mom’s home cooking, Pasta put them all to sleep on Thursday night. Though he’s looked a step slower in some games in the Bruins series with the Blue Jackets, he showed he still has the scoring touch by registering a goal and an assist in the Bruins huge Game 4 win. No carb-cutting here, Pasta stays in the lineup.

Trending Down

Dallas Stars fans

How is this guy alone? Are you telling me Dallas hockey fans are afraid of a little rain? In the first round, Winnipeg was forced to reduce the size of their whiteout street parties… to 11,000 (from 15k). If you’ve ever been to Winnipeg (you probably haven’t) you know that it is not a very nice place to be in April. Or May. Or any other month. In April, though, the weather is still pretty terrible but that doesn’t stop the maximum-capacity crowd from gathering outside the arena.

Huge props to this very dedicated fan for becoming a story for his team. Street parties are now a pretty regular thing in the NHL playoffs. That being said, anyone in Canada will scoff at the attempts to put these together in American cities. This picture is exactly why. But again, this guy right here is a true hockey fan. If the Stars were a half-decent organization, they’d give him the seats of his choice inside for their next home game.

Dallas, if there’s a bit of rain during your next game, buy an umbrella. Go Blues.

People who water their grass in Nevada

If you water your grass during bylaw prohibited hours, Ryan Reaves will crush you through your living room window. This guy is a monster and if he’s wearing his pads while enforcing this law, there’s no downside to him putting everything into each hit. Chances are you won’t be able to charge Reaves because he’ll be working with the police on this. It’s not worth taking a chance, just pave your lawn if you live in Vegas.

Also, is he skating? How is he moving so fast? Rollerblades, probably.

Angry NHL fans 

Let’s all take a deep breath, hockey fans.

We’re at a point in the NHL playoffs where every team’s opposing fan base has become “the worst fanbase in sports.” Playoff hockey seems to bring that out in all of us. Blues and Stars fans hate each other, Sharks and Avalanche fans hate each other (they clearly haven’t seen Avalanche Sharks the movie yet). Everyone is piling on the Bruins even though Columbus is currently a far more physical team and the Hurricanes have turned to embracing the hate they’ve been getting.

Everyone knows the worst fanbase in the NHL belongs to those losers in Montreal, with their red and blue toilet seat jerseys. Clearly, we’ve all forgotten what it’s like to play a series against the Habs. Now that the Canadiens are no longer a playoff team, we’ve all turned on each other and it’s an ugly look for everyone. Let’s all be friends and celebrate our respective teams with other fans instead of tearing each other down!

You know who looks a lot like the Habs, though? Columbus. Red, white and blue jerseys, bandwagon fans, the stupid cannon, Matt Duchene remembering he’s actually decent at hockey, David Savard throwing his weight around, Joonas Korpisalo, Markus Nutivaara and Ryan Dzingel looking like the hottest new Swedish house techno group…

Breadman isn’t even a cool nickname. It was fun when it first started but now everyone is using it. Don’t get me started on that fanbase, either. They’ve had a team since 2000 but this is the first year they care. How many people do you know who said they were “life-long Blue Jackets fans” before the team beat Tampa Bay in the first round? I’ll answer for you: None. Their best player isn’t even a Blue Jackets fan. Columbus is the WORST!

Whoa. I blacked out there for a second. What happened?

Keep your head up.