The Bachelorette premiere recap: Maybe break up with your girlfriend *before* filming

The Bachelorette is back and Hannah Beast is already dealing with suitors with secret girlfriends. Here’s a full recap of the premiere episode.

Roll tide is this year’s “virginity” and it takes about 13 seconds for a random vehicle in Tuscaloosa, Alabama to drive by Hannah and Chris in the Bachelorette intro yelling those two words. This probably wasn’t even set up. I bet people just do this in Alabama.

Hannah gives us a standard Bachelorette intro before meeting with Demi and Katie from last season’s Bachelor. It’s nice to see the three reunited. As is tradition, apparently, we then get a handful of character introductions. Mike Johnson is definitely the favorite of the first three as he cracked some jokes and visited his grandmother.

From Mike, we go to Joe who is really excited about selling boxes. Joe is from Chicago and sounds like it. We know a Joe from Chicago, but he was a little easier to name. Welcome to the show, Boxer Joe? Joe the box salesman? Box store Joe? We’ll let Twitter name this one.

After meeting five or six of the men, we head directly to the limo introductions. I’m still confused as to why they show us some footage of the contestants at home before the show. Are there really only six that are interesting enough to introduce?

Limo introductions

Let’s rattle off the first five intros as fast as the show did: Garrett, Mike, Jed, Tyler C. and Dylan all gave fairly standard entrances. Dylan wore a white suit, which is a bold move, but he killed it. No worries there. Nothing creative in these three but it’s worth noting that we all love Mike Johnson already.

Connor S.: Opened with a fence jump. Pretty sure women love it when you do stuff their ex-boyfriends did for other women. She liked it so Connor is off he hook for now.

Devin:  Opened by telling Hannah he is a virgin which goes along with Connor’s Colton-themed intro but is a little worse. Devin… we just got over hearing the “V” word a million times over the last calendar year. He isn’t actually a virgin, this is just the line he chose to use in meeting his potential wife. Docking points for this one, buddy.

John Paul Jones: Really insists on everyone calling him John Paul Jones and I really hope security stays close to Hannah throughout any solo dates he may get with her. Actually, production should just hire Demi to follow this guy around at all times.

Brian the math teacher, Scott and a handful of others were adorably nervous and unpracticed, which was a breath of fresh air after seeing some of the planned ones. We’re seriously ripping through these intros at a blistering pace and it probably means we’re in for some drama during the back half of the show.

Box store Joe: Joe showed up in a box, which was the least surprising surprise entrance since seeing his two-minute introduction in which he told us all the types of boxes he could sell us. If you like guys who think outside the box, Joe isn’t for you. I will not call Joe “the box king,” no matter how much he wants everyone to.

Connor: Opens completely in French. Let me translate for you: He says she is very pretty, he’s excited to spend time with her and that he’s American but he speaks French. I understood it because I also speak French. Unfortunately for Connor, Hannah had absolutely no idea what he said because she clearly doesn’t. Probably should have thought of that, Connor.

Ryan: A “roller boy.” Okay… From chicken to sloth to roller blades. We’re getting a little lazy with the token costume person.

Luke P.: Okay. I’m sorry Luke’s adorable family but your brother sucks. I may be jaded from seeing everyone rip on him in the Bachelorette promo but I think there’s definitely some truth to all of it. Luke was a self-proclaimed player until God surprised him in the shower and told him to look for a wife. At least Colton didn’t have to force the shower scenes. He pretended to be a beast coming out of the limo. Early villain vibes from Luke.

Grant: Unemployed, showed up eating a hot dog and made hot dog puns with a mouthful of food. Grant stays in character.

Cam: Won the first rose on After the Final Rose for rapping. He doubled down and rapped again tonight in his intro. Hannah is into it and enjoys Cam “spitting some bars like Willy Wonka.” Someone call up a record producer immediately.

Matt Donald: Old Matt Donald sang Old McDonald after coming in on a tractor. It was somehow WAY BETTER than Cam’s song. Edit: Coming back here 15 minutes later to point out that “Old Matt Donald” is still stuck in my head. Edit: An hour – still singing it.

Chasen and Peter: Chasen and Peter are both airline pilots. Chasen seems really nice and gave Hannah a paper airplane. Peter touched down directly after him and gave her a set of his airline wings he had pinned onto his uniform. First point goes to Peter. Let the pilot wars begin!

https://twitter.com/minakimes/status/1128101017785126912

Cocktail party

After blazing through the introductions, we’re on to the fun part of the evening. Thirty men all vying for a limited interaction with Hannah, trying their best to make an impression. Who will we like? Who will blow it? Who will be the one person we didn’t know was on the show to make us really sad at the end of this episode?

Hannah showed how much better she got at toasts, probably from all the practice she got playing the toast game with her brother. As soon as her toast ended, Luke P. jumped in and pulled her aside. Connor the French guy threw Hannah a bachelorette party (cute) and Cam got the first kiss on what he said was technically his second date.

(Tom Green is a far better rapper.)

Box man Joe doesn’t even want to be here. He just wants to talk about boxes. Pilot Peter is killing it with Hannah and pilot Chasen has to be kicking himself for not wearing his uniform. Old Matt Donald hasn’t been on-the-show-in-a-while, please show him some more (sing that part in your head).

Ex-contestants Demi and Katie were behind the scenes watching like some sort of comedy duo in a cop movie. Apparently someone reached out to Demi on social media saying one of the contestants has a girlfriend and they are working their way through cheesy introductions to find out who it is. Scott has a girlfriend. Before Hannah pulled him aside to talk about it he was telling the guys how “he is definitely here to be with Hannah long-term,” which is a super natural thing to exclaim to everyone.

Hannah confronted Scott about his girlfriend. He proclaimed that he doesn’t have a girlfriend but dated a girl until Monday. Scott couldn’t make eye contact with Hannah while telling his side of the story, which is always a good sign. He’s totally not lying, everyone. At this point, it’s probably safe to assume Scott isn’t getting the first impression rose. Scott clarifies his actions by admitting to being in a relationship until Monday before the show. He had no intention of marrying her though, so he’s in the clear right?

Scott doubles down by saying “well you were just dating Colton” aaand we’re officially cancelling Scott. Thanks Scott, for the clinic on how to be a complete loser. Old Matt Donald had a farm but he sure as hell wasn’t hiding a secret girlfriend there! This felt like a bit of a plant by production, especially considering they had a security van for Demi and Katie, but whatever, it was fun to see Hannah Beast tee-off on him.

Roses

The first impression rose went to Luke P., who was the first to talk to Hannah and the first to console her after the Scott situation. Still super skeptical about this guy. I wonder if God pops into his shower tonight to congratulate him on taking a step in the right direction.

As is Bachelorette tradition, we’re now reminded of a bunch of guys we liked that didn’t get a rose on night one. If one of them is Matt Donald, this will be my final recap of the season.

The night one roses went to: Mike, Connor S., Matthew, Connor J., Jed, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C., Tyler G., Darren, Luke S., Garrett, Grant, Kevin and DAMN IT, HANNAH! She picked the psychopath John Paul Jones who admitted during the rose ceremony that he was more concerned about turning down a promotion than anything else.

Something tells me we don’t feel as bad for box guy Joe as we did for grocery store Joe a year ago. Old Matt Donald was sent home after riding in so valiantly on his tractor and we’re off to a bad start for yours truly. I’ll never forget you, Matt Donald.

The show ended with Chris Harrison calling Joe box guy a son of a bitch. Good old Chris Harrison! Love that guy!

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