Ice Cold Takes mailbag: Bruins advance, NHL reviews, World Hockey Championships

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. This week, we dive into the DM’s and answer some of the internet’s questions.

First and foremost, the Boston Bruins are going to the Stanley Cup Final! The six-time NHL champs will get their third crack at a Stanley Cup in the last nine years (2011, 2013). After a 4-0 win against the Hurricanes in game 4, the Bruins completed the sweep in the Eastern Conference Final and will be getting some rest as the tight Western Conference Final continues.

Speaking of the WCF, the NHL’s review rules have officially decided an NHL playoff game. It’s a fear we’ve had since noting glaring oversights in the way the rules were written. That fear was confirmed when Timo Meier’s hand pass set up Erik Karlsson’s game-winning overtime goal. Blues fans can’t be happy about this. Every game counts at this point and to spot one to the Sharks because of a referee error is concerning.

There are an endless suggestions on how to fix review problem. Only one makes sense. Robot referees. Have one of the giant tech companies like Boston Dynamics, Google, Microsoft or the Tesla guy put skates on one of their robots. A robot ref wouldn’t miss a single call and wouldn’t feel bad when players yell at it. As you can see in this video, they work fine in the cold, are already working with hockey sticks and don’t respond to being bullied. It’s perfect. Get this thing fitted for some skates!

Ice Cold Takes mailbag

Trying something new. Is “mailbag” still a thing? Shouldn’t it be DM bag or something? Either way, I’ve received a ton of questions from people on the internet so let’s try to answer as many as possible without making this column uncomfortably long.

The Bruins won again. Does God have a plan to break the hearts of every hockey fan outside of Boston or what? – Dave, Raleigh, USA

God is probably a Bruins fan, Dave. Why wouldn’t he be? The city of Boston is on a professional sports tear this year. Boston has a chance to hold a third pro sports title (Red Sox, Patriots) and that is ridiculous. Oddly enough, though, God is probably now a Vegas Golden Knights fan after this:

https://twitter.com/WegrynENT/status/1127576922207264769

The Golden Knights brass made the most of their visit with Pope Francis last week, presumably something they schedule once a year to confess all of the sins that both happen and stay in Vegas. Pope Francis looks pleased to be holding a Knights jersey and I can’t remember ever seeing him with an NFL or NBA jersey on. So that settles it, God is a hockey guy.

Where was he during that third period against the Sharks, though?

How excited are you that the Bruins are in the Stanley Cup Final? – Mike, Boston, USA

This excited:

Will too much rest before the SCF hurt the Bruins? – Danny, Boston, USA

Definitely not. The Bruins are led by a core group of guys who have been here before. Bergeron, Chara, Marchand, Rask, Krejci, Kampfer (checks notes) yeah, Kampfer and Krug have all been to the Stanley Cup Final before. The first six on that list have won it. There’s no way these guys let the younger players ease up over the next week or so. A few days of rest and recovery is only going to make this team better. Especially given how much of a bloodbath the Western Conference Final has become.

Tuukka Rask has been incredible on this Cup run. There’s a massive group of Bruins fans who hate on Rask for some reason, but even they are turning a corner in these playoffs. Trying to get pucks past Rask right now is like trying to out-party a group of college kids. Sure, you may feel good about your chances early. But when it’s all said and done, you’ll end up exhausted and wanting to die with absolutely nothing to show for it.

I liked you better before this Bruins Cup run. – Jim, Toronto, Canada

Wow, Jim. First, this isn’t a question. Second, the reason these columns have been Bruins-heavy recently is because we are down to the conference final match ups and the Bruins are still kicking! The Bruins are making headlines more than any other team because everyone else hates them. If you and your friends started calling Erik Karlsson a rat and threatening Joe Thornton’s friends and family on Instagram then I’d be talking about the Sharks instead.

What are your thoughts on this new Snapchat filter being used on NHL players? – Andrea, Edmonton, Canada 

Oh boy. My thoughts on this probably shouldn’t be written in a PG column. Look. I’m happily married but if Snapchat Jake DeBrusk walked up to me and asked me to go on a date … I mean, just look at all of these beauties.

This filter is dangerous. There are definitely millions of men and women being catfished by this app right now and it’s a problem. That being said, I have yet to find a group of professional athletes as beautiful as the men of the NHL so congratulations to them. Hey DeBrusk, sup?

Have you been following the IIHF World Hockey Championship? – Brayden, Ohio, USA

Kind of. I have no ties whatsoever to the Great Britain men’s hockey team, but they are now my favorite team in the tournament. Look at future NHL star goaltender Ben Bowns absolutely rob Jack Hughes.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BxfbBJRBCSs/

The Queen’s team is 0-4 in the tournament but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to turn things around. They have Finland today… Well, that’s probably a loss. They play Slovakia on… No, that’s a loss too. They match up well against France, who also aren’t good, in Monday’s sure-to-be thriller of a battle to see who ends up on the bottom of the bracket! Give these guys some love. I mean, just look at their practices:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BxfoUjHhP2m/

What would you say to a frustrated Toronto Maple Leafs fan who just wants to be as good of a fan as the Boston Bruins fans are? – Steve, Canada. 

What a specifically worded question. Thanks, “Steve from Canada.” To all the Toronto Maple Leafs fans who are still yelling at Brad Marchand from their parents’ basement, I would say this: Give up. By the time the Bruins Cup window closes, the Hurricanes and Islanders are going to dominate the Eastern Conference. This is the best it’s going to get for you until you nose dive back into consistent 9th-10th place finishes. It’s okay, though! There is plenty of room on the Bruins bandwagon if you’d like to join us. There’s no shame in losing to a far superior team. Next question.

Just kidding. Relax, Leafs fans – you’ll be fine.

How does this Hurricanes post-season run stack up now that they’ve been swept out of the Eastern Conference Final? – Gary, Weyburn, Canada

The Hurricanes are a hell of a hockey team. Unfortunately for them, they were boys playing among men in their series with the Bruins. That’s not a slight. The ‘Canes simply weren’t deep enough to hang with Boston this year. They gained some valuable experience on this run, though. Add a few pieces to that team and it’ll be back to Cup contention next year.

That was a hell of a run for Carolina. In the case of every hurricane, the storm passes and the city is in shambles. At least you have a bunch of cool new rally towels to help clean up the mess!

Did you just make up a bunch of fake mail bag questions?

Honestly? Yes. Mostly so I could tailor this column into a Bruins celebratory post. Thanks for asking!

Keep your head up.