Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. The official column of the Great Britain Men’s Hockey team (by default, because no one else is talking about them).
That’s right! The Great Britain Men’s Hockey Team won a game at the IIHF World Championships and I’m probably more excited about it than they are (more on that later). Let’s focus on the Stanley Cup Final, though. The Cup Final has been set for what feels like a month as we all sit and wait for the series to begin. Who cares about primetime weekends in May when we can extend hockey well into June, right?
Why didn’t the NHL start the Stanley Cup Final on Friday or Saturday? What is this pre-set schedule nonsense? I understand that the Blues would have needed a break if the series ended in a Game 7 on Thursday but why not make it fluid? What a waste of a prime sports weekend. Also, as you can see, I am very clearly upset that I haven’t watched the Bruins play since the 16th. THE 16TH OF MAY. It feels like the Bruins sweep of the Carolina Hurricanes happened last year. Hmm, I wonder if we made any offseason acquisitions leading into the Final. How was your summer, guys? Oh wait! Still some hockey to play!
The Bruins series against the Hurricanes lasted three fewer days than their wait to start the Stanley Cup Final. This is ridiculous. We should be watching NHL hockey tonight but instead, we have nothing. Oh hey Friday night let’s watch a playoff game. Nope! Have fun watching Dateline, or the dumbest show on Earth, “Beat Shazam.” Or, you know, go out and do something. It’s Friyay!
Three more days…
Step aside, hockey dogs! The St. Louis Zoo is celebrating the Blues trip to the Stanley Cup Final by playing Laura Branigan’s 1982 hit song “Gloria” in their penguin exhibit. Yes, that is a factually correct sentence I just wrote.
St. Louis is all in on this trip to the Stanley Cup and they should be. The team hasn’t made the Final since 1970, the year they lost to the Bruins on Bobby Orr’s spectacular goal (THE goal – from all the pictures). The Bruins and Blues were two of the top three teams in the second half of the NHL season (the other being the Tampa Bay Lightning – HA!), so it really isn’t a huge surprise that they are meeting in the Final. Any advantage the Blues had from being in game mode was taken away by the NHL when they decided to wait A WHOLE DAMN MONTH to start this series.
Side note: Penguins are not birds. Don’t @ me.
Again, people can’t get enough of this song. “Gloria” shot up from wherever dead songs live to No. 44 on charts this week after the Blues beat the San Jose Sharks in the Western Conference Final. The story behind the song is even better than the song itself. Now, Gloria is being played everywhere in St. Louis, including on flights:
Imagine being a non-hockey fan in St. Louis? That must be exhausting. This damn song plays once and stays in your head for a week. Just watching this video ruined my entire day. They had a great run. It’ll be interesting to see if the Blues decide to stick with Gloria next year. Either way, I think it’s been played enough for one year. Bruins in 4.
Great Britain Men’s Hockey
The boys from Great Britain did it! They won! Not the World Championships but a game, which, to them, might as well be the World Championships! They celebrated the win with a self-deprecating chant.
Luke Ferrara of the GB team had an all-time quote after the tournament: “I won my fantasy league this year because I had Patrick Kane and Johnny Gaudreau, and this week I played against them. It’s like a dream.”
Great Britain took down a powerhouse French team that has to be feeling just amazing that they just lost to a team that celebrated by chanting “We’re sh*t.”
This Jeopardy contestant
Jonathan Quick – Running back for the Los Angeles Rams. To be fair to this lady on Jeopardy, “quick” is a trait that running backs have, but she got everything else about this question wrong.
There is nothing better than an Alex Trebek “no.” There’s nothing fancy about it but always comes off the perfect amount of condescending. It’s as if he’s silently adding an insult to the end of it. “No, you idiot.”
Trebek saying no is like having your parents shut down a perfectly crafted lie you spent hours coming up with. “Hey Mom, Stepdad Gary… So I was thinking of going to Greg’s place to watch a movie. It isn’t a party or anything but it’ll probably be a late night so I might as well sleep over there to avoid walking home because it’s dangerous to walk home alone at night. Okay so I’ll see you both tomorrow?”
A great quarterback always credits his offensive line. Rodgers took things a step further when he made David Bakhtiari look like a stud in a chugging contest at the Milwaukee Bucks playoff game against the Raptors.
Yikes. We all have that one friend, right? This is a bad look for Aaron but thankfully, he’s pretty good at football. What made matters worse was his fellow NFC North quarterback Matthew Stafford showing him up in a fancy restaurant somewhere.
Credit where credit is due but a chugging contest is about all Stafford can win against Rodgers. This is a fun trend, though! Celebrities on jumbotrons chugging drinks! Let’s keep this up through both NHL and NBA Finals. We need to see massive Blues fan Jon Hamm vs. Tom Brady next.
Bonus: Stanley Cup Final preview
The Bruins vs. the Blues. Here’s what to expect from this year’s thrilling battle for the Cup:
- The Bobby Orr goal will be played on repeat during every game intro, preview show and postgame show for the entirety of the series (Fine by me)
- The city of St. Louis will discover a new level of personal hatred towards Bruins star Brad Marchand
- Blues and Bruins twitter will argue over a questionable play
- Blues and Bruins twitter will continue arguing over the questionable play every time anything happens for the rest of the series
- You will lose money gambling
- Patrice Bergeron will do things that make you wonder if he is actually a robot designed to play incredible hockey
- Jordan Binnington will show no emotion, ever
- Some Bruins fans will blame Tuukka Rask if the B’s drop a game
- No one will blame Jordan Binnington if the Blues lose (BE BETTER, RASK HATERS)
- Pam will finally get what is coming to her for holding Jim back all those years when all he wanted to do was chase his dreams
Keep your head up. Go Bruins!