Ice Cold Takes: Take one last deep breathe before the Stanley Cup Final gets real

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column. The official column of a Stanley Cup Final hockey fan enjoying panic attacks every two nights.

If you have a vested interest in this Stanley Cup Final, chances are you feel like I do. Here’s a rundown of a regular game day: Nervousness. Doubt. Panic. Calm down. Excitement. Confidence. Quick! Place some bets! Oh no… Did I make those bets over-confidently? Better hedge. Panic about the hedge bets. Reassure yourself. Confidence again. Excitement. Repeat. It’s a wicked cycle.

That’s a quick rundown of the life of a hardcore sports fan who also happens to be a degenerate gambler. It’s harder than it seems! People think it’s all celebrations and parades but the lead up takes years off of your life. Nothing feels worse than losing a Stanley Cup Final. The last few minutes of a tie hockey game are the most stressful minutes to watch of any sport.

It’s even more difficult when you have not one, but two teams in their respective finals. Imagine being a Boston Bruins and a Toronto Raptors fan? Having to go through this cycle daily? Trust me when I say that none of you want this life. It’s really hard!

Anyone from Minnesota is so mad reading this…

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Carl Gunnarsson 

Credit where credit is due. Carl Gunnarsson called his game-winning goal while taking a piss next to Blues coach Craig Berube before overtime started. Yes, standing at the urinal, Gunnarsson said “I just need one more chance.” He got it and the Blues won their first-ever Stanley Cup Final game.

https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1133940770724024322

Carl Gunnarsson is a great name, isn’t it? Carl Gunnarsson is a character from a Sylvester Stallone movie. Any one of them. There might already be a Carl Gunnarsson in a Stallone flick. If I told you Carl Gunnarsson was the name of Dolph Lundgren’s character in The Expendables, you’d probably believe me. You’d be right to, because that’s what his character is actually named.

No. It isn’t. But you believed me, didn’t you!?

Torey Krug

No words. Just watch.

https://twitter.com/FanDuel/status/1133202004199858176

Actually, some words. 95 percent of the hockey world hates the Boston Bruins and are still crying about this being a charge. In fact, many hockey media members believe it was. All of you are wrong. This is a great hockey play and if you think otherwise, you are wrong. Point me to the rule book where it says this is illegal. In fact, let me do it for you.

Now watch the clip again. “Skates” means he is actively skating, not gliding, as Torey was. His feet remain on the ground the entire time, which rules out jumping. “What about distance traveled?” Shut up. Krug was going after Perron then saw that he could make a play on the puck, took a couple strides, glided in on Thomas then crushed him with one of the cleanest hits we’ve seen in this series.

Every player travels a distance to make a play. Should he stop and tag up somewhere? Let Thomas have the puck? It was perfectly timed. If you don’t like it, it’s probably because you’re a salty Bruins hater. Or because Torey looked so gorgeous skating up the ice with his hair flying around that you got jealous. Sad.

Blues pups

Obviously hockey dogs are an Ice Cold Takes staple, but the Blues may have gotten a little too excited when picking up a pup for the team. Show up to adopt a dog, end up adopting 13 of them. Relatable.

https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1134166350660853766

The Blues have more dogs than the Starks had direwolves in season one of Game of Thrones. Coincidentally, like in Thrones‘ first season, they are all on screen at the same time because you don’t have to CGI them when they are still husky-sized.

I guarantee one or more of these pups is named “Gloria.”

(After a very minimal amount of research, these are dogs from a dog sled team… in Missouri… I think the impulsive adopting story is more believable).

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The Athletic’s Scott Wheeler

Scott Wheeler is most certainly a brilliant writer. He’s working for The Athletic and they have a pay wall so you know you’re getting far higher quality than this here column. Scott probably uses big words like “antiquated” or “soliloquy” when describing hockey things in his columns. This tweet, though, is not his finest work.

Hmm… Yeah. That’s not exactly how sports work, Scott. In fact, we know for certain that the Leafs can not beat every team in the NHL. They can’t beat the Boston Bruins… ever. They couldn’t before and they can’t now. If only there was a way to prove it…

Oh wait! The Bruins. That’s right. I keep forgetting they lost to the Bruins. Again. In seven games. Again. Twitter is a wild place.

Team Canada

Team Canada got pumped in the IIHF World Championships to a Finnish team without a single player you or I could name. Teemu Selanne, though, he could name a few of his countrymen playing in the final. Clearly, he wanted to be there himself.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx-KGE1hKJZ/

Finland is still partying after their 3-1 win over Team Canada. The World Championships are a huge deal to European countries, and honestly, they should probably be a bigger deal to us. Without NHLers playing in the Olympics and the failed revival of the World Cup, this is now our only true international hockey competition.

Mark Stone made more money this year than the entire Finnish National team. That’s not a slight towards Stone, he’s earned it, but an indication that Canada needs to spend more time developing their national team. If the IIHF is the new Olympics, it would be nice for Canada to go back to dominating everyone like we do on most world stages.

Bonus: Take a deep breath

This brief bonus section is for Bruins and Blues fans alike. In fact, it’s for all sports fans (not you, Minnesota – ear muffs, please). Enjoy these moments. Enjoy the excitement, the panic, the stress and the anger. Enjoy the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Being a die-hard fan and watching your team in the Stanley Cup Final is almost a full-time job but trust me when I say your team needs you more than you think they do.

Follow every superstition. If your team starts doing bad, drink with your left hand. Cross or uncross your legs. Sit. Stand. Change seats. Change jerseys. Put your rally cap on. Wear your lucky socks. Leave the room and watch from the window outside the house. Every little bit counts when it comes to the Stanley Cup. Sure, it may not actually affect the outcome of the game but it makes the whole experience so much more enjoyable.

Live it up, because you never know when your team will be back in a final. It’s the penultimate sports moment and it could be the last time in your life that you get to experience it. Take a couple days off work. Follow that game day ritual, even if it’s a Tuesday. Have that extra beer. Plan that trip to a game. Book that flight. Go to that parade. You can’t take all that money to the grave and the mortgage can wait. Do it all and enjoy every moment of the experience.

Why? Because it’s the damn Stanley Cup.

Keep your head up.