Fansided

Every NBA team’s arch-nemesis

By Paul Centopani

JUNE 2, 1985: The Lakers Michael Cooper, center, pushes the Celtics Ray Williams away from Kurt Rambis, second from right, after Williams and Rambis crashed into the seats along the sideline during Game 3 of the 1985 NBA Finals. The Lakers won, 136-111, to take a 2-1 lead in the series. 6/2/85 (Photo by Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)
JUNE 2, 1985: The Lakers Michael Cooper, center, pushes the Celtics Ray Williams away from Kurt Rambis, second from right, after Williams and Rambis crashed into the seats along the sideline during Game 3 of the 1985 NBA Finals. The Lakers won, 136-111, to take a 2-1 lead in the series. 6/2/85 (Photo by Los Angeles Times via Getty Images) /
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(Photo by Peter Zay/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images)
(Photo by Peter Zay/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images) /

Hornets: The Kemba Walker paradox

Charlotte finds itself in an enigmatic position this summer. Free-agent-to-be, Kemba Walker, is eligible for the supermax, though he recently came out and said he’d take a discount to stay with the Hornets. Re-signing the All-Star would hamstring an already hamstrung payroll, retaining Charlotte as a low-rung playoff patsy.

Letting Walker go would banish the team to the furthest reaches of unwatchability at the bottom of the Eastern Conference standings. Charlotte isn’t exactly a free agent hotbed and their draft history is spotty at best. Buzz city is in a pickle.

Wizards: Sisyphean point guard contracts

The John Wall contract looks an awful lot like Gilbert Arenas’ from a decade ago. Both provided excitement and big moments for previously moribund teams, rising to the NBA’s elite players before getting derailed by injury.

As it appears now, the contract will bury Wizards in salary cap hell through the next presidential term. Hopefully, Wall’s trajectory down the Arenas path ends before trying to incite a gunfight with Javaris Crittenton, who would roughly equate to Chasson Randle in this case.

Heat: RSHK

Miami suffers from a supernatural phenomenon colloquially known as the “Random Scrub Heat Killer” or RSHK for short. For reasons unknown, a high-variance of nondescript bench players burns Miami with fluky performances. Frustrating, undoubtedly. The Heat found a way to use it to their advantage though.

The Step Back’s resident Heat expert, David Ramil, described it better than I ever could:
“Wayne Ellington was a RSHK and they wound up signing him and turning his career around. That feels like some supernatural possession shit. Or like when spiders lay their eggs in a victims’ remains and the eggs hatch their way out by eating the host.”

Magic: Losing star big men to the Lakers

They say time’s a flat circle. In the 90s, Orlando had the most dominant center in the league and thought of himself as Superman. He absconded in free agency in 1996, opting for another palm-treed locale with the Lakers.

In the late aughts/early 2010s, Orlando had the most dominant center in the league who thought of himself as Superman. He flip-flopped about where he wanted to be, ultimately asking to be traded to the Lakers in 2012.

The first go around was devastating, the second was a blessing in disguise. The Magic never totally recovered in the subsequent years either time though.

Hawks: Casual insignificance

They had that one season in 2015 with four all-stars, secured the 1-seed behind a 60-win campaign and made the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since 1970. Then, LeBron James dispatched them just as quickly as they got there, slapping Atlanta across the face with a sweep.

Even while ultimately ending in disappointment, that year stands as an island in a grey-watered lake of morosity. The real tragedy for the Hawks is they’ve never been good enough for long enough to truly have a real foil. I mean, they’re even listed last here.

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