Pac-12 mascot battle royale: Who ya got?

On Monday, Mike Leach answered a question at an afternoon press conference that many coaches would have scoffed at. However, Leach is not most head coaches. He is eccentric, a mad genius on the west coast. The question was, what Pac-12 mascot would win in a battle royale?

Rob Jesselson of SWX and KHQ in Spokane, Washington asked the question and captured Leach’s thoughtful response.

He later shared it on Twitter:

Let’s break down Leach’s thoughts and establish some ground rules:

“Well, first of all, what kind of mythical powers does the Sun Devil have, we’ve got to consider that.”

This right here is the most important aspect of the Battle Royale. If the Sun Devil has the power to summon a demon army, then I would say this would be a wildly unfair fight. On the other hand, if the Sun Devil was just a creepy guy with a pitchfork, that would be disappointing. However, I think there is an answer to the age-old question of what power does a Sun Devil have. In some renderings of the mascot, the Sun Devil is surrounded by fire, presumably that he lit himself. So, for the purposes of this Battle Royale, a Sun Devil is a short creepy guy with a pitchfork who can light himself on fire.

“The Trojan, does he have a horse, or is he on foot?”

Unfortunately for the rest of the field, the USC Trojan often rides around the stadium on a horse. So yes, he does have a horse.

“The Ute, again, we’re back to is he on horseback? Does he have a bow and arrow? Did he trade for a rifle? Because if that Ute’s got a rifle, there’s some definite problems.”

So, for those that don’t know, the Utes are Native Americans of the Ute tribe and culture that primarily live in Utah and Colorado. They were skilled warriors who specialized in horse mounted combat. We’re going to give them a bow and arrow here, because a rifle would be ridiculously OP.

Ok, now that we’ve dug into what powers everyone has, let’s see what order these mascots are eliminated.

First to go: The Stanford Tree. Because it’s literally just a tree.

Much like the students who cheer for it, the Stanford Tree is first to be eliminated in this athletic competition. Trees don’t last long in Battle Royales — just ask the ones in Fortnite. As Leach astutely notes: “The Tree, that Tree’s going to get chopped down.” Or maybe taken down by a Beaver, for the first time since 2009.

Next: Oregon’s representatives

I’m sorry, but a duck and beaver aren’t going to last. Leach seems to think the duck may forfeit entirely: “The Duck might lose interest and just fly away and get out of there, which may be good advice under the circumstances.” Can’t argue with that logic. As for the Beavers, well his thoughts are a little more nuanced: “The Beaver, we’ll see how long that Beaver can hold its breath.” Is Leach envisioning an aquatic map? Does he think the Beaver will just run around holding his breath and hope something good will happen like their football team has for the last couple years? I have many questions, but one thing is certain: the state of Oregon’s representatives are early departures.

It’s raining cats and dogs!

Leach is spot-on with his analysis of the Husky: “No chance.” His take on the Wildcat is equally as dismissive: “I’m going to say the Wildcat’s out.” Unsurprisingly, he is a homer when it comes to the Cougar’s chances: “Butch will find a way, there’s no question, the Coug will find a way, clear-minded and crafty, a combination of stay out of harm’s way and attack when you get your chances or your openings.” C’mon Mike. The Cougar isn’t making it. Maybe he’ll beat the Husky (for the first time since 2012), but after that it’s a long road ahead. The Cougar isn’t making it.

The Trojan bites the dust

Now we’re getting into the contenders. And USC fans don’t hate me for this, but after 20,000 simulations to create my mascot power index, the Trojan is the next to go despite having a horse, armor and a sword. Why? Well the sword means he has to get into close-ranged combat where he is at a disadvantage with every other unit. The Sun Devil could light him on fire, the Ute can pick him off with arrows, and a bear is a bear. Sorry USC fans, but it’s another season of high hopes and mediocre finishes.

Good, but not good enough: The Sun Devil

So how does a guy that can light himself on fire go down? Well Leach has an interesting theory that “you’d have to get one of those Harry Potter activists to read up on how you kill a Sun Devil, because there’s a lot of outside stuff there.” So I don’t know if he’s trying to make fun of Washington State’s quidditch team, but he’s just exposing his ignorance of the wizarding world. The idea that a wizard would tangle with the devil is just preposterous. They spend their time dealing with realistic problems, like how to break into an underground bank run by goblins and escape on a dragon. However, the Ute can take him down with a bow and arrow from long range.

Last man standing: The Ute

The Ute has done his best, but even with a bow and arrow on a horse, he isn’t taking down two bears and a bison on his own.

The final three: Golden Bear, Bruin and Buffalo

At this point, this Battle Royale could go to any of the final three. Leach’s thoughts aren’t exactly insightful: “The Bruin, definitely formidable. Another bear up there at Cal.” So because of our wise leader’s lack of enthusiasm, the winner is…

The Buffalo!

Coach Leach sums it up the best: “Just as far as the beast alone, a Buffalo’s going to be pretty hard to tangle with, I mean a Buffalo is utterly outstanding.”