Ice Cold Takes is a humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. This column is to hockey news what Bryan Little and Adam Lowry are to Patrik Laine.
Worthless. They are worthless to Patrik Laine. The young Jets goal-scorer made NHL headlines earlier this week when he expressed how he would be more effective playing next to top-end talent, as opposed to the scrubs the Jets have him with now. Those weren’t his exact words, but they might as well have been.
More big NHL news came out of the Jets camp this week, with Dustin Byfuglien taking some personal time to decide whether or not he wants to retire from
being the NHL’s best bouncer
the league. Only big Buff knows what he’s going to do this season. Well, him and a few Earl’s girls, apparently.
Sitting in a Montreal pub and I'm sent some pictures of Dustin Byfuglien who was apparently on the Earls St. V patio and apparently told these girls he was playing this year. Yeah, it's come to this. Do with it what you will. pic.twitter.com/Rj38nZyOa5
— Jeff Hamilton (@jeffkhamilton) September 20, 2019
There you have it, Jets fans. It looks like you’ll have your leader back for the season. Is it bad that I trust this more than I trust NHL insiders? Yeah. It’s come to this.
It’s 10:00 p.m. Do you know where your kids are? By the time you read this, it’ll be Friday afternoon and your kids will probably be in school, hanging out with their friends, talking about how awesome Gardner Minshew II was on Thursday Night Football last night. None of this has any relation to hockey, I just wanted to type Gardner Minshew a few more times. Gardner Minshew.
Anyway, let’s get into everything else that was trending around the NHL this past week.
Auston Matthews
What an absolute savage. Global fashion icon Auston Matthews made the most of his limited preseason action with the Leafs by absolutely embarrassing Scott Sabourin of the Ottawa Senators on Wednesday evening. Goodness, this is cold.
Auston Matthews trying to figure out who this guy is pic.twitter.com/CyMZWhowja
— Brady Trettenero (@BradyTrett) September 19, 2019
Hey Auston, how about we relax, okay? You know what isn’t back there? The second round of the playoffs. Maybe you should try finding that for once. Scotty’s out here in the preseason trying his best to get out of the AHL, but unlike you, he’s actually won a playoff series recently. Show some respect.
Vegas Golden Knights
Hockey is back, which means the better team Twitter accounts are going to be more active. One of those great accounts is that of the Vegas Golden Knights. Vegas grabbed the Iron Throne of hockey Twitter early this season with an accurate HBO retweet.
https://twitter.com/GoldenKnights/status/1173992500735823872
The best part about this is that Seth Green was actually the worst! And he was playing himself! I fully believe that Seth Green is a massive P.O.S. because of his time on Entourage. I don’t ever want to meet him because I don’t want anyone changing my mind. Vegas got this right, Seth Green is the wooooorst.
Honorable mentions include Ramsay Bolton, Lena Dunham and Michael Jackson.
Connor Clifton
Speaking of preseason, the Boston Bruins iced their Stanley Cup-winning team against the lowly, Gritty-led Philadelphia Flyers tonight and Connor Clifton is looking to lock up a roster spot. Cliffy Hockey is most certainly back.
There’s a more important reason to bring up the Boston Bruins here. The B’s suffered one of the most heartbreaking Stanley Cup losses last season and faced a tough offseason, having to sign both Charlie McAvoy and Brandon Carlo if they wanted to legitimately get another crack at Lord Stanley.
They did just that, perfectly. The Bruins quietly took care of business this offseason, putting both McAvoy and Carlo on bridge deals to get them to the end of the current Boston Cup window. Key word: quietly. There were some other teams in the league that were not able to do this…
The guy who hitted Tyler Seguin’s car
Nice try, Jim Lites. We know this was you. Jim seems genuinely apologetic for his actions, so we should give him a bit of a break.
Rylynn
Rylynn is the most hockey name we’ve seen all week and she definitely has the skills to back it up. There’s a trend these days with kids training like they are in old school Rocky montages and Rylynn here is continuing that trend.
https://twitter.com/WHLOfficial/status/1173712676242870272
Dangles! Rylynn, not only are you destined to be a hockey superstar because of your name, but you also have some of the best hands we’ve seen in a while. Looking forward to watching you light up the Olympics one day. The most impressive part of this video is that she hardly ever looks down.
Everyone should try this to fully understand how difficult it is. Wear a helmet though, unless you are a fan of crushing your head on the living room floor.
Completely unrelated clip of the week
Imagine playing catch with a bird that literally signifies strength and freedom? Imagine giving that bird dinner, and having it owe you one? This kid doesn’t have to imagine anything. He just peaked Sorry kid, but life is all downhill from here. Granted, you can go way downhill from this and still have a pretty awesome life.
Playing catch with an eagle? Freedom boners flyin high boys pic.twitter.com/WFweUVoOJ9
— Pat McAfee (@PatMcAfeeShow) September 17, 2019
Is the eagle named Steve? Steve the eagle has the best hands in the league. He can also cut on a dime. Enjoy your dinner, Steve.
Keep your head up.