Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL. Unfortunately, this week once again starts with Toronto Maple Leafs talk.
Normally, I’d be ecstatic to talk about the porn-stached, Pablo Escobar-looking plug who leads the Toronto Maple Leafs to a first round exit every season. But this is situation is a little too serious to joke about.
The NHL, the Maple Leafs and Auston Matthews himself have a problem to deal with. For those of you who haven’t seen this story yet (how are you reading this from a cave?), back in May, Auston Matthews and his drunk buddies were wandering around Scottsdale at 2:00 a.m. when they tried to get into a female security guard’s car because they “thought it would be funny.” She confronted them. Matthews then dropped his pants (kept his underwear on) and “grabbed his buttocks” as they walked away.
Matthews was stumbling around Arizona doing the Ace Ventura butt-talking thing, wasn’t a good look. The standard, emotionless apology that he delivered after this came out wasn’t even less so. Regardless of what he and his friends’ intentions were, this was not funny or in any way okay.
The league should use this as an opportunity to make an example of Matthews. What happened was bad. Very bad. Matthews and his drunk buddies put Dozithee in an extremely uncomfortable position that most of us hope we never have to encounter.
Put yourself in her shoes. If four big drunk guys tried to get into your car at night, would you have been as calm, cool and collected? Reading through the replies to this story on Twitter was eye-opening and sad. No one should have to deal with this type of harassment from anyone, let alone an NHL superstar.
Leafs fans, please stop defending Matthews or telling everyone that this is something as simple as drunk guys having fun. Four men trying to get into a person’s car at 2 a.m. is not funny. It’s just plain stupid.
Speaking of stupid, it was Gritty’s birthday last week. Happy birthday, Gritty.
NHL Trends
Backes to the future
That is but one title for the David Backes movie that we’re going to be rushing to the theaters to see after the Bruins forward retires in 2025. Backes recently found out his skating wasn’t exactly as smooth as it could be and he took that opportunity to reinvent himself.
A washed up David Backes, played by Gerard Butler, tries to get back to doing what he loves by training with a group of 12-year-old figure skating girls. Backes’ focus is to get to the NHL, but in the process, the girls help him learn so much more than just skating. They help him find his true self. It’s already the redemption story of the decade.
Winnipeg Jets official Restricted Free Agent update:
Mustard packets
By now, everyone has seen the clip of Jets center Mark Letestu eating some mustard during his preseason game on Thursday night. If your initial thought was “Oh my God, what a psychopath!”” You weren’t alone.
As it turns out, there’s a very scientific reason for this. The magnesium in the mustard helps instantly stop cramping and muscle spasms (Thanks, Spence). Letestu is not some deranged lunatic after all, he just loves to play.
Robots, again
As you all know, I like to keep everyone updated on the impending robot doom that we stand to face in the next 10-20 years or so. The folks at Boston Dynamics are somewhat ahead of schedule, as the bullied robots can now perform gymnastic routines.
I was fine with these robots when they were picking up boxes and opening doors. We could have left it at that, mass-produced them and sold everyone a friendly, useful home assistant. Teach them the fine motor skills to make a coffee or grab a beer from the fridge and leave it at that. What we don’t need is the athletic, parkour-loving killing machine that these robots have become.
It’s already too late. We’ve taught them too much. In case you need a reminder, these are the robots we bullied with hockey sticks. The NHL is the first target once these machines are given an Amazon Alexa brain. Hockey players die first, then the rest of the world will be soon to follow.
Be very nice to your home assistant over the next couple of years because it’s going to be dunking over you on your driveway hoop in the near future (then murdering you and your entire family, probably).
Police otters
If you think talking about robots in a hockey column was a stretch, wait until you see this.
What is this!? What purpose does he serve? I’m not trying to be mean, we genuinely need to know! How many police otters are there? Where do they work? What do they do? How are they trained? How many busts have they made? Look how fierce he looks! This has to be real because impersonating a police officer is a crime and this little otter wouldn’t commit crimes. Just look at how cute it is.
So far, I’ve found absolutely nothing on police otters being a real thing. Maybe, though, that is exactly what the police otters want. These sneaky little dudes are probably busting criminals left and right without even being spotted. This police otter has a vest on. Imagine if he was undercover? There’s literally no way to tell if an otter is an undercover cop. None.
Outside of police dogs, the otter is a great choice. They are somewhat limited when it comes to range, though. You don’t usually see otters roaming around town. Raccoons and foxes would probably make the best animal police officers. Unfortunately, they are usually the ones committing all the crimes.
The NHL returns next week. With it, a full Ice Cold Takes NHL preview post.
Keep your head up.