Ice Cold Takes: A Gritty conspiracy, McDavid is still good, Green Day is not

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column that focuses on what is trending around the NHL. The only column that won’t open with Chance The Rapper’s “Let’s do that hockey” joke.

I guess, in a way, I kind of did open with the extremely overused play on words from Chance The Rapper’s 2017 Saturday Night Live hockey skit. I didn’t use it the way everyone else is using it, though, as it seems to have become the official slogan for the NHL. Whatever.

Hockey is back! The NHL kicked off its 2019-2020 season on Wednesday. As expected, the Toronto Maple Leafs sucked up all of the NHL headlines through the offseason, most recently coming from their captaincy announcement. The choice surprised no one. Obviously, they went with Jason Spezza.

The NHL had an announcement of its own to make before the season started. The league joined in a two-year partnership with Green Day, which was also not surprising, given that the NHL’s marketing team operates as if they are living in 2004.

The NHL went as far as to keep its Stanley Cup Twitter account dormant for the entire preseason to make a “Wake me up when September ends” joke (yes, actually). Wake me up when September ends? How about wake me up when the league finally hires Nickelback as their house band. That’s what we’re all actually waiting for.

Cool… The most important part of all of this is that hockey is back. We’re all excited for another incredible season of the most exciting sport on Earth and the hockey world is ready for nine months of grueling, competitive, exciting, fierce, thrilling

Twitter arguments

hockey games.

Let’s see what is going on around the NHL.

Connor McDavid: Still pretty good

The Edmonton Oilers opened their season with a win over their Western Canada rival Vancouver Canucks. Connor McDavid notched his first goal of the year and yes, it was pretty damn impressive..

Can the Oilers just be decent? Please? It’s sad that we have this incredible talent playing in the NHL and almost nothing to show for it. They had that one little playoff run a few years ago and have been awful since. The Oilers were one of three teams in NHL history to miss the playoffs with two 100-point scorers last season (1988 Quebec Nordiques, 1990 Pittsburgh Penguins). In today’s NHL, with 100-point scorers being less common, this is a bad stat.

Gritty Conspiracy

Would it surprise anyone if Gritty was dying birds in the offseason?

Is it just me, or has Gritty seemed a little soft lately? The original Gritty was body checking children, slashing goaltenders and openly talking about his DM slides on Twitter. Now he just seems… happy?

There’s no shame in Gritty finding himself, but if he loses that edge that made him popular in the first place, he’s kind of just another mascot. Don’t conform to the NHL’s rules and standards, Gritty! Stand up for what you believe in. Go rob a bank or something.

Here’s another theory: Gritty is dead. Much like Canadian pop-rock superstar Avril Lavigne, Gritty actually died a long time ago and been replaced by a hairy, orange “Melissa,” if you will. Like the Lavigne story, Gritty couldn’t handle the fame. He blew up fast and didn’t want the spotlight. Unlike Lavigne not wanting to be famous, Gritty actually didn’t want the spotlight because he is a criminal and serial child assaulter.

Did the NHL murder Gritty? Have they replaced him (it?) with a man in a costume? We’re going to be watching Gritty closely this season. If he doesn’t two-hand a goalie in the very near future, something is up.

Avril’s final song “Sk8er Boi” still bangs, by the way. Listen to it as you read the rest of this column.

Jim Hughson, Kane you not?

Some questionable words from old Jim here on the Auston Matthews and Patrick Kane incidents. Have a listen:

Big yikes, my dude. First of all, Jim, there is no need for the word “alleged” here. Matthews has already admitted to and apologized for his actions, meaning they did, in fact, happen. More importantly, scoring a goal on opening night doesn’t suddenly excuse someone of all of their jackassery during the offseason.

If Hughson is referring to Matthews’ off-ice conduct, it’s probably safe to say that Fayola Dozithee isn’t sitting on her couch in Scottsdale thinking “Oh, cool! Auston scored so we’re all good now.” If Hughson is referring to Patrick Kane, the situation gets a little more problematic. Saying Kane’s great season in 2013 erased his off-season actions in the summer of 2012 isn’t exactly how things work.

Hughson is facing backlash from the media for his comments. He’s now facing backlash from this small, mindless hockey column as well. Good luck sleeping at night, Jim. That wasn’t about your conscience, either. It was a threat. (Just Kidding, Jim, but be better).

If you’re still listening to “Sk8er Boi,” that section of the column was probably unnecessarily awkward.

NHL referees, Kane you not?

Unfortunately, the Sharks will be without Evander Kane for their first three games of the season, as he is serving a suspension for “abuse of officials.” If you were looking for a reason to get on the refs early this season, here it is.

Abuse of officials? Really? Kane has been known to get a little heated during scrums but the official in question here was actively interfering with him during a live play. It was also pretty clear that his problem was with Deryk Engelland before the ref came in and dragged him to the ground.

As is tradition with hockey Twitter, fans are on completely separate ends of the spectrum when it comes to what should have happened to Kane. Some are saying this deserved nothing, while others want him to serve 20+ games.

Of course, this story doesn’t end with the officials. Vegas hero/Ice Cold Takes’ favorite goal-scorer Ryan Reaves dumped a fuel canister on the simmering fire between him and Kane before the game on Wednesday night.

https://twitter.com/HockeyHangout/status/1179443091801022465

Ahhh, yes. Hockey is officially back!

Keep your head up.