Michigan’s win over Iowa set college football back 40 years

When the Michigan Wolverines hosted the Iowa Hawkeyes on Big Noon Saturday, all it did was disappoint and prevented us from going to a pumpkin patch.

For many millennials who wonder what football was like back in the 1980s, well, you got a cheap imitation of that on FOX’s Big Noon Saturday, as the No. 19 Michigan Wolverines put us all to sleep by defeating the No. 14 Iowa Hawkeyes on Saturday, 10-3.

It does not matter that this was Big Noon Saturday, between two Big Ten teams ranked in the top 20 of the AP Poll, all going down in the Big House, there was absolutely nothing big or even remotely spectacular about this game. It was a complete snoozefest with antiquated, archaic offense football that wasted Gus Johnson’s elite ability to call games.

The 13 total points were the fewest combined in a ranked-vs-ranked Big Ten game since No. 23 Indiana beat No. 22 Michigan, 10-0 in 1993. Iowa had one rushing yard, eight penalties and four turnovers. It was ugly and they had no alibi.

Any notion of Jim Harbaugh being a quarterback whisperer has been put to rest, just like any shot of Kirk Ferentz ever leaving Iowa City to coach an NFL team because he’s a Nick Saban disciple and all. But great defense, though!

It was worse than watching paint dry. It was like watching expired mayonnaise being used as makeshift paint dry. The only problem is that the stench didn’t wake us up from this early October afternoon slumber party. At least you maybe had some pizza and were still in your pajamas.

If only there were enough Adam Gase smelling salts in the world to wake us up and realize that an excursion to a three-star pumpkin patch would have been a better use of everyone’s early afternoon on Saturday. We’ll never get that time back, nor probably pumpkin that would have certainly helped you get into the Halloween spirit. You’ll find the time, I believe in you.

But where there any takeaways from this game to be had if you were too busy catching some early afternoon z’s from your coach in your lovely abode? Well, Michigan did score on its second and third offensive drives of the game. Iowa fumbled on its first play from scrimmage. All Michigan needed was four plays to move the ball eight yards and make a 28-yard Jake Moody field goal.

Iowa got addicted to punting and throwing picks pretty much from there on out. Michigan somehow went 70 yards on six plays, resulting in a Zach Charbonnet two-yard scamper to pay dirt. A Quinn Nordin PAT later and it was 10-0, Michigan. The Wolverines were about to set the Hawkeyes ablaze, but then, they did not. Just z’s from that point on.

Iowa did get on the board with a 22-yard made field goal off the leg of Keith Duncan to make it 10-3 in the second quarter. And those were all the points to be had in this ball game. After that, it was a lot of terrible quarterback play from Iowa’s Nate Stanley and another afternoon of unspectacular signal-calling from Michigan’s Shea Patterson.

In between sofa cat naps, you might have thought that Ben Roethlisberger was somehow back from injury for the Pittsburgh Steelers and was playing one of his worst games in recent years. Too bad it was Stanley throwing picks like Buffalo Bills Nathan Peterman and getting sacked like Deshaun Watson, or David Carr for that matter, of the Houston Texans. It was rough.

At the start of 2019, there was a reason to believe that both Patterson and Stanley had the shot at being first-round NFL quarterbacks. Stanley has the size and Patterson was at one time the best quarterback prospect in his high school class. Then again, the same thing once applied to Christian Hackenberg and we all saw how that didn’t work out at all for the New York Jets.

So did we learn anything from this game? Perhaps both Big Ten pretenders can play some defense? Neither school has anything special at quarterback. Both head coaches might certainly be past their prime. Most importantly, a division rival will beat the snot out of them in the coming weeks, thus ending their slim College Football Playoff dreams of 2019.

Iowa will be beaten into a pulp by the Wisconsin Badgers. Do we even want to know what will happen once Michigan takes on the Michigan State Spartans, the Ohio State Buckeyes or the Penn State Nittany Lions? Look for Harbaugh to take an l on all three occasions.

While his khakis will be firmly pressed, they will not be on display at Lucas Oil Stadium in December for a shot at the Playoff. If either Iowa or Michigan makes it to Indianapolis, somebody messed up. Let’s just hope that Ohio State and Wisconsin will get their shot at the neutral-site rematch. Johnson, Joel Klatt and FOX beg of you! Now let’s watch Auburn play Florida.

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