Ice Cold Takes: A good Philly team means the world is their rage room

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL. Featuring hockey news and analysis about as trustworthy as the Winnipeg Jets’ defense.

There haven’t been any huge stories out of the NHL so far this season. The league is still in the initial feeling out process of contender/pretender, and there are a lot of teams in the mix this year. The St. Louis Blues have won three in a row, the Pittsburgh Penguins are banged up and the Philadelphia Flyers are… good?

Atop the ladder, the Boston Bruins have taken over the No. 1 spot in the NHL power rankings (and I’m writing this on Thursday, so we can completely ignore their loss to the Avalanche last night). On the opposite end of the spectrum are the lowly New Jersey Devils, who would likely trade all of their offseason success for a little bit of on-ice production (They’re young, they’ll be fine).

Since calling out Gritty for being soft last week, he’s gone completely haywire. As it turns out, all it took was a couple of wins to send this monster spiraling back into what we’ve come to expect from him. Let’s start there.

Philadelphia Flyers

When the Flyers adopted #FlyOrDie as their official hashtag, the hockey world couldn’t help but be concerned. If there is one fan base who would take this literally, it’s Philly. What we didn’t know is that it would be their social media team collecting bodies. The team’s great start to the season is matched by how deep they buried the New Jersey Devils after Wednesday’s 4-0 beatdown.

Speaking of the Flyers, Gritty is back on his B.S. A week after calling him out for being soft, he’s relapsed into to attacking children (in a more creative, less incriminating way) and has taken the DM slide to a new level by openly courting P.K. Subban‘s fiancée, Lindsey Vonn.

The Flyers also announced the grand opening of their new rage room, in which fans (or mascots) could destroy various objects to let off steam. Previously, Philly’s “rage room” was just the city of Philly, so this is a welcomed upgrade.

This entire column could have been about the Flyers and they’ve only played two games. Honestly, the world is a better place when the Flyers are good. It’s all or nothing with this franchise, and we’re bound to see destruction either way.

Hello darkness my old friend

For some reason, this video of Evgeni Malkin stick handling in an empty barn is extremely sad.

Malkin suffered a lower body injury in the Penguins’ win over the Blue Jackets last Saturday. He will be out “indefinitely,” which is obviously not great for the Pens. They’ve also lost Nick Bjudstad, Bryan Rust, Patric Hornqvist and Alex Galchenyuk to injury, prompting the question. Thankfully, those injuries aren’t as long-term as Malkin’s and we likely won’t see any sad videos of them stickhandling in the near future.

When it comes to sad Penguin videos, though, Malkin’s is so bad that you almost expect to hear David Attenborough narrating.

Not-so-Golden Knights

When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.  The Vegas Golden Knights blew the worst lead in hockey (2-0) against the best team in hockey, the Boston Bruins on Tuesday night. They also made this:

https://twitter.com/HockeyinVegas/status/1182025557677969408

In reality, Deryk Engelland looks nothing like Ross Geller from friends, but stitched into a logo, it’s impeccable! Like Ross’ night in Vegas, this is a game the Knights will want to forget about. It’s also a game that we’ll use clips from when these two meet in the Stanley Cup Final.

Ross is the best Friend. Moving on!

Real Deal James Neal

James Neal took an absolute beating last season, on and off the ice. Coming off a wildly successful run with the Vegas Golden Knights, he was the human equivalent of Gritty’s internet search history last season. As it would seem, all it took was a slight change in scenery and a new talented linemates to turn it all around. The NHL’s next success story is forming right before our eyes.

Obviously I never turned on Neal and spent all of last year talking about how he would get back to form, so I’m taking this opportunity to shame those who didn’t feel the same way I did.

If “bad” means three times more goals than Mitch Marner at half the price, then he’s very bad. Boom, roasted!

You’re trash, Kristen! (Because obviously “trash” here means really good and nice). Boom, roasted!

Everyone listens to satellite radio now. Boom, roasted!

Thank God they were able to ship him off for Milan Lucic. Boom, roasted!

Keep your head up.