Ice Cold Takes: Kessel is back, Ridiculous NHL goals, this kid’s tarantula is hungry

Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL. Phil Kessel is what is trending around the NHL.

Look out NHL, Kachina Kessel is back, baby! Two huge goals by the Arizona heat wave that is Phil the Thrill Kessel. It was only a matter of time before the hot dog eating assassin got on the board in Arizona, the only state that can handle the heat coming off of his stick.

It’s been two weeks of NHL hockey, which means we can officially begin overreacting to everything that happens. The New Jersey Devils are the next Edmonton Oilers, the Edmonton Oilers are actually Stanley Cup contenders, the Toronto Maple Leafs need to fire Mike Babcock and the New York Rangers offseason was a massive bust.

There are a few legitimate concerns to cover as well. The Winnipeg Jets’ plan of implementing their zero-defencemen strategy is not working out for them, the Dallas Stars should look a lot better than they do and the league needs to establish a help line for the 26 remaining Ottawa Senators fans.

Most importantly, the Boston Bruins’ top line is once again the best line in the NHL. The B’s are 5-1-1 and as long as they keep getting power play opportunities, they’ll have a chance to win any given game. Let’s start there.

David Pastrnak

Thursday was World Pasta Day and this guy was cooking al dente (I don’t know if that makes sense, don’t call me on it). Pasta has been the hottest human being to come out of the Czech Republic, which is saying a lot if you’ve seen this recent picture of Jaromir Jagr looking like an absolute unit.  He’s also responsible for 90 percent of pasta emoji usage on Twitter. It’s hard not to get excited when he’s doing things like this:

https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1184977566773452804

Pasta has six goals in his last two games. SIX. He has eight goals in total, which currently leads the NHL. To put that into perspective, that’s only four fewer goals than the Chicago Blackhawks.

At some point, Bruins fans are going to realize that we’re set up for the “secondary scoring” discussion again this season. It’s a problem that nearly cost them a Stanley Cup final run last season (I will NOT say it cost them the Cup). None of it will matter when they trade for Taylor Hall in February (It doesn’t have to make sense, just go with it).

Max Domi’s salad

Uhh. This… This is a bad look, Max. Domi’s hair was so distracting that it was hard to focus on the magic trick.

The magic trick we needed to see was for Justin to make that monstrosity disappear. Max Domi is starting to look like a comic book villain. He’s trying to rock the hockey mullet but it’s giving off more of a “I let me 4-year-old cut my hair today” look. Max Domi has been hanging around with the guys from Jackass. Max Domi fell asleep at a frat house in Montreal. Max Domi looks like he went to see the new Joker movie an uncomfortable amount of times.

Leivo-tation

Josh Leivo lifted the Vancouver Canucks over the St. Louis Blues with this shootout winning goal on Thursday evening. Anyone who has ever gone to shootouts in a road hockey game knows this goal because it felt so cool to do to your friends on a snowy Canadian street.

Speaking of road hockey. Marc André Fleury showed off shades of Dominik Hasek on Thursday, playing a little street style hockey of his own. Please, goalies, do this more:

Two things of note here. More speed and skill in hockey is going to lead to more guys selling the body to make a play like Leivo did when his hands moved faster than his feet. It’s also going to lead to more goaltenders doing everything they can to not be embarrassed, like Flower’s unbelievable poke check. Imagine a game full of Haseks and McDavids?! Bodies flying all over the ice. Wild goals. Even wilder saves. Color me excited.

The NHL is a goal scorer’s league

Speaking of skill, here are a couple of goals that wouldn’t have seemed possible 10 years ago. They also seem impossible today.

https://twitter.com/BlueJacketsNHL/status/1184639960328130565

Can we put out an APB on Kyle Connor? That was obviously illegal. There’s no way someone should be able to score a goal that way. This is not taking anything away from Sonny Milano, who might have scored the goal of the year, but what Connor did doesn’t feel like it should have been possible whatsoever. And he did it so nonchalantly.

Fun side note: APB stands for “all-points bulletin.” Not a cool as I’d imagined it would be after hearing it in all the police shows and movies.

Also a fun side note: I thought Sonny Milano was the name of a sitcom character when I saw him trending on Twitter.

Jackson Friedlander

The NHL’s next generational talent has a tarantula named Michael. Michael just ate two crickets on Monday and one on Sunday, so you know he has a big appetite. If you are completely lost, watch this, quite possibly the viral video of the year.

Michael is hands down the best tarantula name there is. It’s hilarious when pets are given human names, even more so when they are exotic pets. Jackson could have gone with “Ovi,” which would have been a great name for a spider, or even “Tom Wilson” if he wanted to play on its predatory nature, but no, he went with Michael and we love him for it.

Toronto Maple Leafs

A live look at the Leafs tending to the disaster caused by John Tavares’ multiple-week injury during perhaps the most difficult stretch of their schedule.

Keep your head up.