10 scary NBA players as horror movies

In which, among other NBA x horror comparisons, we make the case that LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony are Tethered.

There are a number of very scary NBA players and there are many ways to be scary. NBA players who are scary good, NBA players who are scary reckless, NBA players who are scary toxic. There are also scary NBA players who are scary in ways that are vaguely analogous to classic and modern horror movies/monsters.

For example, Michael Jordan might be scary like Pet Sematary, on account of he was dead (out of the league) and upon being brought back to life (into the league), proceeded to terrorize everyone more so than before by way of three-peating again. (Michael Jordan’s disposition on that second go-around could also be described, like the reanimated cat corpse in Pet Sematary, as “ornery” and “a little dead.”) Or, to get even more niche, D’Angelo Russell could be compared to Disturbia, on account of, in the words of my friend who suggested it, “spying and causing a big ruckus but at the end of the day, the people he is spying on are actually not that great (serial killer/cheater).” Anyways, you get the idea.

It — Draymond Green

Features a clown.

The monster in It is an eccentric clown known as “Pennywise the Dancing Clown” who lives in the sewers. But Pennywise is more than a clown, he’s a shapeshifting supernatural monster, an ancient alien entity that came to earth in a meteor and feeds on the fear of terrorized children. There’s some other whack stuff going on, but that’s the gist.

Draymond, bless him, is also an absolute clown, who has been known to dance, and once lived in East Lansing, which is basically a sewer. But Draymond is also more than a clown, he’s a position-shifting defensive monster who feeds on the fear of getting kicked in the nuts. There’s some other stuff to Draymond’s game, but that’s the gist.

Split — Russell Westbrook

An abandoned man with at least 24 looks is an absolute beast.

In Split, James McAvoy plays a psychopath with dissociative identity disorder and 23 personalities, each with their own distinct look, who, fueled by abandonment (his father) and delusion (the need to purify the world), among other things, turns into “The Beast” with superhuman abilities and kills people.

On the basketball court, Russell Westbrook, fueled by abandonment (Harden, KD) and delusion (that he’s the greatest player in the world), among other things, turns into a beast with superhuman basketball skills and kills defenders. He also has at least 23 distinct looks. (Though to be fair/clear, his looks are driven by fashion and not psychosis.)

Us — LeBron James (and Carmelo Anthony)

Two people live parallel lives, until it’s revealed the one living the good life is the real sociopath.

Once upon a time, there was a basketball player (the first pick in the 2003 NBA Draft) and the basketball player had a shadow (the third pick in the 2003 NBA Draft). The two were connected, tethered together. When LeBron ate, his food was warm and tasty. But when Carmelo was hungry, he had to eat rabbit, raw and bloody. On Christmas, LeBron received wonderful toys: Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh. But Melo’s toys were so sharp and cold — Steve Novak, Pablo Prigioni — they sliced through his fingers when he tried to play with them. LeBron met a handsome prince (Kyrie) and fell in love. But Melo at that same time, had James Dolan, it didn’t matter if he loved him or not. Then LeBron had his championships. But Melo, he was on the Knicks. Etc. You remember Lupita Nyong’o’s monologue.

Us is about a family who is terrorized by doppelgangers revealed to be the result of some effed up capitalist experiment. But then! It’s further revealed that the hero was really a Tethered who escaped as a child and the psycho one who organized an unnecessarily complicated plot to get back above ground was the original girl and you’re left wondering what! it! all! means!

Melo is absolutely not just a situation-swap away from LeBron’s career but LeBron absolutely does have the energy of a “good life” Tethered who is revealed to be a cold-blooded psycho.

Nightmare on Elm Street — Steph Curry

If you fall asleep, he will kill you.

This one is not that complicated. In a Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy Krueger kills teens in their dreams and they die IRL. As such, the teens try to stay awake lest they fall asleep and get murdered. In the NBA, Steph Curry kills players one-on-one. As such, if you fall asleep whilst guarding Curry, he will sneak by you/shoot over you/pass around you/murder you.

Candyman — Dwight Howard

Saying his name a lot can only mean bad things.

The legend of Candyman says if you say his name five times while facing a mirror, he appears and kills you with his hook hand. In the movie Candyman, this happens at least 25 times before the action even begins. The rest of the movie is absolutely buck wild and rules — I highly recommend the plot summary if you don’t have two hours to spend actually watching it — but the rest of the movie is mostly irrelevant to this analogy.

If you say Dwight Howard’s name five times, it probably means he’s on or signing with your team, an experience commensurate with being stabbed with a meat hook. (Too harsh?)

(If I’m being honest, this pick is mostly because Dwight Howard loves candy.)

Slender Man — Giannis Antetokounmpo

An unnaturally tall internet-made star.

Slender Man is an internet-native monster. First “seen” in a Photoshop submission contest, captioned with the (fictional) story of fourteen vanished children, the spectral suited figure became the subject of numerous works of short online fiction and scary stories. He is most commonly described as being very tall and thin with “unnaturally long arms,” which he uses to capture his prey. Slender Man apparently also induces “Slender sickness” which includes symptoms of paranoia, nightmares and “delusions accompanied by nosebleeds.”

Now, first: Giannis absolutely has unnaturally long arms and while he may not capture prey, he certainly captures basketballs. Additionally, I would imagine the experience of playing against Giannis can induce paranoia, nightmares and delusions accompanied by nosebleeds. Finally, like Slender Man, Giannis is no stranger to the internet, though his viral stories involve smoothies and rides to the arena, not spooky disappearances.

The Babadook — Kawhi Leonard

A talon-fingered giant torments victims after they’ve become aware of his existence.

You have seen Kawhi Leonard’s hands. You have seen his hands as depicted in that logo that is the subject of a lawsuit. They’re not not like the Babadook’s hands!

The Babadook is a terrifying movie, the monster of which is both this long-limbed humanoid pop-up book creature and also grief and the human mind. Much like Mister Babadook, Kawhi is not a constant presence, he does not dominate narratives and news cycles, he doesn’t just terrorize anyone or everyone, but when he’s summoned, when it’s his time to haunt, when it’s your turn to face him, whoo boy will he mess you up. Also, again, the hands!

Additionally, the Babadook wears a top hat and a black cloak, which I’ve never seen Kawhi Leonard wear, but I absolutely believe that if Kawhi tried to dabble in fashion, he might come out dressed like a Victorian demon.

Happy Death Day — Jimmy Butler

No matter what you do or where you go, it ends the same.

Jimmy Butler played for the Bulls for six seasons before forcing a trade to Timberwolves after a drama-filled saga.

Jimmy Butler played for the Wolves for one season before forcing a trade to the 76ers after a drama-filled saga.

Jimmy Butler played for the Sixers for one season before forcing a trade to the Heat after a drama-filled saga.

Listen, I love Jimmy Buckets but the main difference between his NBA career and Happy Death Day, a movie in which a college student finds herself repeating the day she dies until she finds and kills her murderer thus preventing her own death, is that he appears to be the one doing the murdering rather than the one caught in the loop.

The Shining — Kevin Durant

A man in search of professional glory takes a new job and loses his mind a little/a lot, causing significant destruction along the way.

This is admittedly more Kevin-Durant-on-the-Warriors comparison than Kevin-Durant-on-the-Nets but follow me.

The Shining is about a man named Jack Torrance, an aspiring writer experiencing writer’s block, who takes a job as a hotel caretaker to write his novel. Some stuff happens, involving a child and hallucinations, and he loses his mind and kills a whole bunch of people before freezing to death.

Kevin Durant, circa 2016, was an aspiring NBA champion experiencing championship block who took a job as a Death Lineup caretaker to win championships. Some stuff happened, involving a child (-faced Curry) and hallucinations (internet trolls), and he kind of lost his mind (in a way I’m not totally comfortable joking about) while killing a whole bunch of players/franchises/the league even (we were told), before moving to Brooklyn.

Midsommar — Ray Allen

A toxic relationship drives our hero to embrace a tradition in a sunny climate.

Midsommar is a delightful tale of a woman with an extremely trash boyfriend who goes on vacation with said trash boyfriend and all his trash friends to a summer solstice festival in Sweden. As it turns out, the locals are big into human sacrifice but also: they really like her and she honestly kind of thrives in their supportive, communal-yelling embrace, ultimately dealing the death blow (well, nod) to the aforementioned trash boyfriend.

Ray Allen also went somewhere sunny (Miami) after a bad breakup (with the Celtics) where he was also embraced by a group of people (the Heatles) with a tradition of killing others (most other teams), also dealing death blows (well, three-pointers).

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10 scary NBA players as horror movie monsters

By Shea Corrigan | Oct 22, 2019