Let’s run down a brief list of why kicking in football is stupid

If you want to be a kicker, perhaps stick to a sport where there’s less pressure to do it right.

Like many Americans, I often wake up on a fall or winter Sunday morning dehydrated, disheveled, and often full of regret. Life is rough for those first few hours, but we push through knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel (though hopefully it’s not too bright).

At noon central time, the teams lineup for the opening kick, jets fly over, Instagram blows up, fans erupt, and then the kicker jogs a few steps and kicks the ball harder than Draymond Green kicked Steven Adams in the 2016 NBA playoffs.

And then, the ball flies into the end zone, the special teams’ go back to their sideline to be told how special they are and the offense and defense come onto the field so the game can actually begin.

The question must be asked, why the hell do we bother with kickoffs? And why stop at kickoffs, why do we need kicking at all? Chicago Bears fans are once again waking up in that dehydrated, disheveled state wondering if they’ll ever live long enough to see a kicker actually be able to do his job right.

In honor of the nine times the Rams punted in Super Bowl LIII, below are the top 9 reasons I hate kicking in football.

1. Kickoffs are as pointless as saying there is wifi on a Megabus. The wifi on the Megabus never works except this one time when this guy in front of me said, “Hey it’s working!” Everyone looked at him and then he said, “Oops, no it’s not.” The ball usually ends up in the endzone with no return, why bother?
2. Illegal block in the what’s the point of ever returning a punt or kickoff. The only thing I like about kickoffs and punts is how funny it is whenever a returner does have a decent return and then they celebrate as if there wasn’t a hold or an illegal block in the back.
3. Football is the only sport where teams willingly give up the opportunity to score. I hate punting more than bakeries must hate Dr. Atkins. I encourage you to check out Chart Party’s quest for the saddest punt in the world. It is an awesome youtube video which describes how irrational punting can often be in the most detail you’ve ever seen.
4. Punting is the worst. Continued. Is there anything enjoyable about watching a player kick a ball at the 50 yard line and then watch another guy put his hand up and make a routine catch? No, there isn’t. Punting is as enjoyable to watch as your co-worker’s first ever improv show at 10pm on a Tuesday evening in January.
5. The alternative to punting is going for it which is super fun. Have you ever been a neutral observer and seen a 4th and short near midfield and said, “You know what could really get me excited? A punt.” Going for it on 4th is more exciting than waking up to find out it’s a snow day and school is canceled.
6. But Ethan! It’s called football for a reason! People who use this argument probably don’t like pizza or ice cream, they loathe long walks on the beach, and genuinely enjoy cold showers.
7. The alternative to kicking a field goal is going for it which is super fun. See #5.
8. Kickers don’t even play football. Football is full of running, passing, catching, blocking, tackling etc. But for some crazy reason, every now and then a skinny old white guy named Adam Vinateri runs onto the field to kick a ball through two yellow posts. Or a different skinny white guy comes on to more impressively kick the post twice on the same kick (see Cody Parkey).
9. The Rams punted nine times in last year’s Super Bowl. Was that fun for anybody outside of New England? I don’t want to meet that person if they do exist as I am sure they only enjoyed the punting clinic after hopping out of their cold showers and into their terrible lives void of pizza and ice cream.

So the next time you are watching a game and a team has 4th and short near midfield and you are hoping for anything but a white guy kicking a ball far, know that I too am watching that game and hoping for the exact same thing.