The key to writing the best Heisman acceptance speech

So you’re about to win the Heisman Trophy? We’re gonna tell you how to write the best Heisman acceptance speech possible and what to do with your hands.

Just because you’re great at playing college football doesn’t mean that you are well-equipped at delivering an acceptance speech.

When you’re getting ready to potentially win the Heisman Trophy, sitting in that chair with a bunch of dudes you don’t even really know, we’re gonna give you some tips on how to crush your Heisman acceptance speech and what to do with your hands.

First things first, this is what you do with your hands: You shake hands of former Heisman winners you walk by, then you grab the Trophy and don’t drop it (it is heavier than you think) while the entire world takes a million photos of you. After you’re done with that, grab the dais with both hands and don’t let go. Otherwise, you will end up regretting it more than that not-so spiffy suit you’ve got on five years from now.

Now, the most important part of the night…”SPEECH!”

This is hard stuff, but you have to only do one thing above all else: Be completely confident in every word you say, no matter how stupid and factually inaccurate it is. Pretend you’re up in D.C. filibustering a bill your collective party hates. Attack the podium with that kind of gusto and you’ll be off to a great start.

As for preparing a speech, don’t do that. Wing it, but carry up a pair of reading glasses and that note pad you’ve been scribbling on since you got into that Holiday Inn Express last night. So you’re up on that stage, you’ve got your glasses on and you’ve got your note pad. You’ve got this. Now it’s time to give college football its greatest soliloquy since Mike Gundy said he was 40.

Okay, we’ve got the swagger and the pieces of flare covered. Now, it’s time to give thanks.

Thank god or some higher power first. Next, you gotta thank your parents, coaches, teammates and everyone who helped you get to this point. You’ll feel overwhelmed when you think back to your mom and/or dad playing catch with you when you were a youth. Try and keep your emotions in check. But if you feel the tears swell up, let it flow, man.

When you get to talking about your dad, let go of the podium and do that over-the-top handshake you and Pops came up with in the driveway last summer. If you didn’t do that, find a YouTube video of a sub-.500 NBA team before tipoff doing their pre-game handshakes and imitate all the best attributes of those said handshakes.

Lastly, the most important thing you can do during the Heisman speech is thanking your mom. She’s a special lady who tolerated all your crap K through 12. Slightly remove your reading glasses and wipe that single tear streaming down your face with the top sheet of paper on your doodling pad. That way it’ll look impromptu because men don’t carry tissues and the south will bless your heart.

After you’ve thanked all the people you can think of in five minutes, walk away from the podium and give a hand gesture that speaks to you. No, don’t give the fine New York people the bird, give them a peace sign at the very least. They’d respect that, but give them what the really want. They. Want. Horns. Down! Go with rock and roll and then hit em’ with the Horns Down. End speech.

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