What in the hell did Kevin McAllister’s dad do for a living?

Kevin McAllister’s family in Home Alone is low-key loaded, but what in the hell did his father do for a living to afford that house and that trip to Paris?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas is awesome for so many reasons, including getting to watch all the holiday classics, hopefully somewhere warm and in the company of your amazing family. But when we watch these movies, we always end up with some unanswerable questions, such as what Kevin McAllister’s dad did for a living in Home Alone?

The 1990 John Hughes holiday masterpiece takes place where so many John Hughes movies take place, in suburban Chicago. Allegedly, Peter McAllister made his cash as a highly successful daytrader in the city and his wife Kate supposedly works in fashion, but we’re just not buying it. How else can you afford that massive house in the suburbs and that trip to Paris?

Have you seen that house? It’s the greatest house in the suburbs you could ever hope to purchase. The mortgage on that thing has to be out the wazoo. Mr. McAllister is able to support five kids and a wife, plus his mooch of a brother and his family and send them all to Paris for the holidays. You have to be absolutely dripping in cash to afford that rock-and-roll lifestyle.

So how does he do it? We’re only going to speculate here because we’ll never really know. The 20th Century Fox executives may try to tell you “the truth”, but if you’ve heard one lie, then you’ve heard them all. Here are the best guesses at why the McAllister clan has more disposable income than they could ever hope to spend in the pre-internet world.

My best first guess is this: He’s the cinematic facsimile of Michael Jordan’s agent, David Falk. McAllister/Falk got into the shoe money with Nike very early. The “Be Like Mike” campaign, the Gatorade commercial, the Spike Lee shoes thing, that was all McAllister’s idea.

He loved him some college hoops, but he loved money more. This would also explain four things: One, why the family lives in Chicago and loves M.J.; two, Kate McAllister’s career in fashion; three, how you can support five kids living in that house; four, how you can support your bum brother’s family, too. This is the cleanest and most logical explanation for why McAllister is Rich Uncle Pennybags.

The second guess is a little more nefarious than being His Airness’ agent: He’s connected to the seedy underbelly of Chicago. His bosses have to hide the money somewhere, so why not in the suburbs in that Fort Knox of a domicile abode? McAllister is cool under pressure, such as leaving his youngest son home alone in suburbia. He’s clearly seen some stuff, so this doesn’t faze him.

Since he’s gotta put the money somewhere, why not invite his bumbling brother Uncle Frank to join the clan in a foreign country for Christmas? France may extradite, but it’s impossible to keep a low profile with a family that large and go on a vacation so low-key extravagant. He knew he was about to be betrayed by whoever The Wet Bandits work for. That’s why they went to Paris, duh!

And the third guess is this. It’s a little more out there, but it makes sense given the John Hughes universe involved here: he’s either Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, or his trusty personal accountant. Ferris Bueller might have taken nine days off in the mid-1980s, but McAllister was running numbers and cooking some serious books for the Midwest pork master.

If you are connected to The Sausage King, then no doubt you’re set for life in Chicagoland. People eat sausage every day in Chicago! Odds are that lunch soiree Ferris, Cameron and Sloan crashed was for Abe and Peter to enjoy some escargot and figure out more ways to print money with sausage.

So there you have it. Peter McAllister either represented Michael Jordan, worked for the Chicago mob or was the Sausage King of Chicago or one of his closest associates. The only other explanation is if he owns Little Nero’s pizza franchise and is about to explode that company like it’s Little Caesars, Papa Johns, Dominos or Pizza Hut. Regardless, he has the money and you want it!