Fansided

The best football coach available is on the big screen this holiday season

By Ethan Blumenthal

LANDOVER, MD - OCTOBER 29: Cowboys owner Jerry Jones meets with fans prior to the start of the Dallas Cowboys against the Washington Redskins at FedEx Field on October 29, 2017 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
LANDOVER, MD - OCTOBER 29: Cowboys owner Jerry Jones meets with fans prior to the start of the Dallas Cowboys against the Washington Redskins at FedEx Field on October 29, 2017 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images) /
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The holidays are over, but the gift of hope could be bestowed upon some of the neediest teams in the NFL.

The end of the football regular season has come and gone, and the extended Black Monday period, the time when football coaches have to convince their crying children they’ll make new friends at their new school, is almost upon us.

There will be several open coaching positions and many coaches who think they are the right person to keep Myles Garret from using a helmet as a weapon of mass destruction. But when it comes to a team like the Browns who seem to be not just cursed with ugly uniforms, a coach that can fix what’s ailing them might not exist in our known universe. Fortunately for you and your team, I have scoured the fictional world to determine the best characters to fill your team’s potential head coaching vacancy.

Chicago Bears: A year ago, Matt Nagy was everything Bear’s fans needed and more (it was written all over their faces). Oh what a difference a year makes. Now Nagy is as reviled as season 8 of Game of Thrones and he has a quarterback in Mitch Trubisky who appears to be a poor man’s Ryan Fitzpatrick minus the beard and Jean-Ralphio level of swag.  Nagy likely will coach for the Bears again in 2020, but were GM Ryan Pace to look outside the box for a coach that can turn a team with a quarterback who is “Big Mamma’s House 2” bad into a Super Bowl contender, I have an idea.

Yoda: Star Wars is back and Yoda, Baby Yoda, Uncle Yoda and any other type of Yoda is ready for the spotlight that comes with a big time coaching position. Announcers would laud his experience and players would love his trick plays and the Jedi mind games he would play on the opposing coach. The only downside I can see is that no one would understand what the hell he is saying, “A post route you should run not.” But players will adjust. And sure he won’t be the coach who sprints out of the locker room but if he can bring down a Sith Lord I think he can handle Bill Belichick.

Cleveland Browns: The year began with expectations as high as you can now legally be (recreationally) in 11 of the 50 states. OBJ, Baker, Chubb and an improved defense, the Brownies were sitting at 18-1 odds to win the Super Bowl. And then the Cleveland Browns happened; former number one pick Myles Garrett was suspended six games for fighting Mason Rudolph (a poor man’s Mitch Trubisky some might say); Odell Beckham Jr. got heated with head coach Freddie Kitchens on the sideline; and Baker Mayfield regressed. All of that points to Kitchens in need of a real estate agent. So who is the head coach who could not only make the team winners but also lovable? I know just the person.

Matilda: If you haven’t watched Matilda in a while, you can trust me, it is as good as you remember, maybe better. Matilda is smart, well read and is the perfect underdog story to grip the nation and lead the saddest franchise in sports past the Trunchbull and into the promised land. As an added layer, the brilliant Matilda would be the best possible person to become the NFL’s first female head coach. And it doesn’t hurt that she can move things with her mind.

Dallas Cowboys: Similar to Chicago and Cleveland, Dallas came into the season with a Charles Dickens level of Great Expectations. Even with talent all over the field, they now sit on the outside of the playoffs in by far the worst division in football. Hopefully, Jason Garrett has already convinced his family that Dallas is too damn hot anyway because I don’t think Jerry Jones will be signing any more of his checks. The Cowboys seemingly have the talent, and I know just the guy who can put it all together

Coach Eric Taylor: That’s right, Yoda and Matilda can both move things with their mind but that’s how good the pride of Dillon, Texas, Eric Taylor, is at coaching football. If you’ve never seen Friday Night Lights (the television show) you are missing arguably the greatest show of all time. After Jason Street’s horrific injury, Taylor won a Texas high school state title with Matt Saracen as his QB1. Could you imagine what he could do if he had Dak Prescott? Once before a game, Coach Taylor didn’t say anything, he just wrote on the whiteboard the word “State” and the team got hyped and whooped ass. How boss of a move is that? With the Cowboy’s roster, Coach Eric Taylor would lead them to a Super Bowl Championship.

Merry holidays and good luck in 2020.

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