A guide to what NFL playoff team should you root for, based on likability

It’s time to decide who to root for in the NFL Playoffs, not based on X’s and O’s but on who we like the most.

The NFL divisional round is here, but unless yours is one of the remaining teams, you will likely be searching for meaning when you turn on the TV Saturday. So who should you ride or die with?

I have you covered.

I will grade each remaining team on the following scale:

• 1 (least likable)
• 10 (most likable)

To get an idea of what a 1 is on this scale, picture LeBron James joining the Patriots with their cheating scandals at their height to create a truly unique super team. A 10 would be the Remember The Titans team winning the state championship with the help of Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger and a paralyzed Gerry Bertier cheering them on.

So, let’s decide who you should root for.

Least Likeable

While the Seahawks aren’t quite as unlikeable as Joffrey in Game of Thrones, they are at least as unlikeable as Diet Vanilla Coke. Sure they have Russell Wilson who appears to be an absolute stud of a human and Marshawn “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” Lynch.

But they also have Pete Carroll.

To jog your memory, Carroll used to be the coach at USC until Reggie Bush happened. Money changed hands and USC received some of the harshest sanctions the NCAA had ever dolled out, including a vacated National Championship and forfeiting countless other games, scholarships and some postseason play. Where was Carroll when the school and players were punished? He fled the scene to Seattle. The USC case epitomizes the issues of the NCAA; the players get left with the wreckage while the high paid leader gets off scot free and on to make millions more elsewhere.

Well Pete, PEOPLE DON’T FORGET!

Likeability scale: 2.3

I admit a bias here.

Actually, it’s not so much a bias as it is the fact that everyone from San Francisco is the worst. I once met a guy from San Francisco who had just moved to Chicago, I asked him how he liked it so far and he said, “it’s OK but it’s just hard to live here because you don’t have any fresh food like we do in SF.” Of course it was hard for me to hear him with the microwave heating my Easy Mac in the background, but I am pretty sure that’s what he said. I have many more terrible things to say about people from San Francisco but my mother always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say I should only say a couple of mean things but not all of them.

Likeability scale: 2.9

The ‘Meh’ Crowd

I am not sure where I stand on Kirk “You Like That” Cousins. Part of me thinks it’s funny he can never win a big game and the other part of me thinks it’s cool he was able to silence the haters with some big throws and a victory last week. What I do know is that on a scale of 1 to a baby, Stefon Diggs is a lot closer to a baby than most grown men should be. While winning the game against the Saints, Diggs threw his helmet out of frustration that Cousins hadn’t thrown him the ball. Throwing your helmet and then yelling at your quarterback during a playoff game is a bad look even if you were an actual baby and didn’t know any better. The Vikes do gain some underdog likeability points for never having won a Superbowl.

Likeability scale: 5.3

As you can tell by now, I don’t look too kindly on this crop of NFC teams. But were I to root for any NFC team, it would be the Packers. There are certainly things not to like about them– their fans are spoiled as the last time they started a season with a quarterback not named Favre or Rodgers The Simpsons were still brand new. Of course those things can be positives too, Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks of all time even if he is past his prime and we should relish the opportunity to watch him “Green 19” it in the playoffs a few more times. Sure cheeseheads are annoying, but the whole small town in Wisconsin competing with the big cities never gets old.

Likeability scale: 5.9

Patrick Mahomes is that dude. He is as good at football as The Irishman is at being a super long movie. He can scramble, throw the ball anywhere and yes he sounds almost as much like Kermit the Frog as Kermit himself. And then there is head coach Andy Reid and assistant coach, Andy Reid’s mustache. Both are likable coaches and while Reid did win a Superbowl with the Packers as an assistant, he has been a really good head coach for a long time and deserves to win one on his own. The only knock against the Chiefs and the reason they aren’t even higher on this list is that while Tyreek Hill makes fast people look slow, he is not a good person.

Likeability scale: 6.4

Here in Chicago the name Deshaun Watson makes people feel sick, almost like they could have drafted him but instead traded up to draft Mitch “throwing the ball farther than 10 yards downfield is scary” Trubisky. But what is not to like about Watson? He is smart, talented and a winner (just not according to Bears GM Ryan Pace). And then there is J.J Watt. Besides being good at tackling other large men he also helped raise 41.6 million dollars for Hurricane Harvey relief. When was the last time you helped raise 41.6 dollars let alone 41.6 million dollars?

Likeability scale: 6.9 (lol)

Most Likeable

If Patrick Mahomes is that dude, I don’t even know what that makes Javaris Jamar Javarison – Lamar Jackson. Jackson might be the most fun player to watch in the history of people watching things. And then there is John Harbaugh and the analytics department led by Daniel Stern, the 25-year-old Yale graduate who is in Harbaugh’s ear for 4th down decisions. I hate punting in football as much as Marshawn Lynch hates talking to the media. Coaches punt out of fear even though any statistical analysis shows they punt far too frequently. The Ravens are beginning the analytics revolution in football and I am here for it. I hope the Superbowl comes down to a huge 4th down decision and the Ravens go for it and make it to win.

Likeability scale: 8.1

Part of me wanted to put the Ravens in the top spot, but being the most likable and the most likely to win the Superbowl didn’t seem fair. Before last week, if you asked a casual fan to name the playoff teams, the fan would have left off the Titans. If you told them the team they left off was the Titans, then asked them the same question one hour later, they would have left off the Titans again. But last week the Titans took down the Patriots and caused Tom Brady’s possible last pass as a Patriot to be a pick-six. Derrick Henry ran through the Patriots defense like the Juggernaut and while I wouldn’t describe that game as fun to watch, the Titans ended a dynasty. And then there is Ryan Tannehill. Did anyone even know he still played football? The Titans are your favorite underdog’s favorite underdog. If they somehow pull a string of upsets and win it all, you will remember where you were when Ryan Tannehill and the Titans broke football.

Likeability scale: 8.6