Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. If youāre reading this, youāve been in quarantine for too long.
The NHL season has been postponed. Sooo⦠what do you guys want to talk about?
Seriously. If youāre under quarantine and youāve landed on this article, I apologize. You have most certainly read through every decent post on this site (and others), beat your video games, read your books and played with your dogs⦠only to land here. A sad conclusion to a valiant effort to kill time.
Obviously, there isnāt much to talk about when it comes to what is trending around the NHL.Ā The sports world has been rocked by COVID-19 (or the novel coronavirus) over the last week, as every major sports league, tournament and large social gathering has been canceled in an attempt to control the spread of the disease. Obviously, this is no joking matter, which is too bad because the puns I had ready to go this week were sick.
Thereās no need to panic. When hockey was taken away, Canada took action. As a country, we have contingency plans in place to cover everything with the ability to hurt our beautiful game. You take our hockey, you get a vaccine. Youāre welcome, world. Itāll be some time before the potential vaccine becomes available to humans though, so we are still stuck in quarantine for a while.
Weāre entering a span of time without sports. Itās going to be confusing, boring and probably lead to the next āTexas Hold āemā but it is necessary to properly control this pandemic, which brings us to our first trend of the week.
Rolling the dice
Itās somewhat concerning how little regard some of you have for ātwo percentā of the population. This isnāt going to turn into a lecture on what is right and wrong in times of a pandemic, because obviously Iām no doctor, but perhaps we could move away from the āit only kills x percent of peopleā argument while debating the postponements?
For the sake of simplicity, letās go with two percent. Thatās probably wrong, but itās the number that everyone booking $50 cruises are using to convince themselves theyāll be safe. There are 713 players in the NHL (quick math version). Two percent of that is 14.26 players.Ā Could you imagine if 14 NHL players and Nathan Gerbe died?!
āBut it only affects old peopleā is a great argument if you hate your in-laws, but letās be a little more compassionate, yeah?
The ice is too hot
Obviously the NHL is going to resume the season at some point, to some capacity, whenever the coronavirus is under control. How does that look for the rest of us?
Expect to see NHL games in July. The Stanley Cup will most likely be decided in the middle of summer, which will be great for all the teams with ball hockey experience. The ice in many arenas (what up TD Garden) gets very bad as the weather gets warmer so weāre going to see a lot of sloppy play and bouncing pucks in the Cup final. Players who can control the puck like this kid will be fine:
https://twitter.com/NHL/status/1237499771969044481
Quarantine this man immediately because his hands are filthy.
How can I make this about Gritty?
If you still arenāt convinced that coronavirus isnāt dangerous, let me explain it in terms that youāll understand.
Pretend that NHL mascots represent the regular flu. They are an annoying nuisance that affect a handful of people who come into contact with them. Your best bet is to stay away and let them pass.
Gritty is coronavirus. It doesnāt give a f**k about you or your family. Itāll severely assault the elderly. Itāll hang around public areas for far longer than it should. Itās scary. Itās mean. Itās dirty. Nobody knows exactly where it came from or how to stop it. It really doesnāt care how much toilet paper youāve purchased because thereās no getting away from it. In relation to the other mascots (regular flu) itās a true menace.
If coronavirus were an NHL mascot, it would two hand your grandmother then punch your teenager in the face. And it would get away with all of it.
The next big sport
ESPN has to fill their schedule with something. The last time sports shut down, poker became a worldwide phenomenon. The next big thing canāt involve any crowds and ESPN will have to think fast, as we are starting to get bored and they are running out of experts to call in to talk about coronavirus. Here are a few ideas:
Esports: The logical choice. If esports were ever going to really take off on a larger scale than they already have, now seems like the opportune time to do so.
Animals: As far as I know, animals cannot contract the virus. Letās get them out there playing the sports we canāt! There has literally never been a better time for an Air Bud reboot.
Live stream of Stephen A. Smith yelling: They do this anyway. Just set up a studio at his house.
10m Air Pistol:Ā The highlight of every Summer Olympics is the 10m air pistol. Itās about time it got proper recognition.
Stanley Cup champions
In the event that the coronavirus doesnāt go away any time soon, the Boston Bruins, as current presidents trophy leaders, will be award the Stanley Cup. I donāt care about what has happened in the past or anything in the rule book that contradicts this. I called dibs.
Wash your hands.
For more information about COVID-19, visit theĀ CDCās websiteĀ or the website for your province or stateās Department of Health.