NBA Diversionary Tactics: The best HORSE tournament ever!

As the NBA lockdown due to COVID-19 enters its second week we all need a distraction. How about imagining an epic NBA HORSE tournament?

Just like the National Basketball Association, I’m on week two of a shutdown, but this one is from my local school district. This is also right after the kids were off a week for Spring Break. Usually, when the stresses of life begin to build, I can escape and relax with the NBA or other sports. Not these days.

Due to the prolonged and close proximity to four kids under the age of 10, I’m getting whiny, bratty and annoyed too. I WANT SOMETHING NBA AND I WANT IT NOW! We all fully realize that this situation is not the league’s fault and they have been at the forefront of the COVID-19 responses in dealing decisively with your suspension of the league. But, with all the NBA has been at the forefront of including: player rights and right to a social voice, progressive revenue saving (somewhat) contracts, innovative marketing collaborations with celebrities in movies, TV and music and progressive ideas towards female coaches and LGBTQ relations; sorry, but expectations have risen.

With forward-looking eyes and a willingness to put different theories into practice, the NBA is probably looking at various solutions to our collective basketball withdrawal, as well as our increasingly-collective boredom. While this may be an already option on the table, I will give my full support to an NBA-sanctioned, 16-seed HORSE tournament with: Steph Curry, LeBron James, James Harden, Damian Lillard, Kemba Walker, Bradley Beal, Paul George, Chris Paul, Devin Booker, CJ McCollum, Jayson Tatum, Trae Young and Luka Doncic; provided everyone is willing and able to participate. Throw in two of:  DeAngelo Russell, Jimmy Butler, Lou Williams or Jamal Murray; or expand the field out to include others, and even ex-players, and you have some must-see TV.

I wouldn’t mind watching Dame and Steph go at it and seeing how far out they could bomb 3s on each other. Add Trae Young in there and have a three-man match like that Magic and Bird commercial from years ago where they are shooting from the rafters. Add some obstacles where they can showcase their fancy dribbling skills and get the slow-mo effects ready for the highlight videos. What about George and Tatum in a mirror-image-like game of two silky-smooth operators rising up after a series of crossovers, jabs and spins. I’d also watch McCollum versus Harden as they try to out-crafty dribble or step-back each other into submission. It could be LeBron against Kawhi in the battle for Los Angeles. Or what about master versus student, Yoda against Luke; The King taking on The Coming in budding star Luka Doncic.

The NBA could set up some type of shot clock on Booker, Murray and Lou Williams since they can score and score in a hurry. It would be like those chess games that no one reading this, myself included, has ever been in or would even know what to do if we somehow found ourselves there.  Slap some style points on their moves like the chess guys slap that little timeclock and let ’em go at it. Or you can make it where they are timed and have to perform a sequence of moves or shots like combine drills or an obstacle course. A Steph-Dame-Young-Booker-Murray-Williams-McCollum-Harden head-to-head would be awesome in that format or split them into teams with alternating shots and match-ups.

We could do Tatum vs. Beal in a battle of St. Louis or Kawhi vs. George in a showdown of future Clipper greats, championship provided of course. What about a Chris Paul and Jimmy Butler head-to-head where Jimmy Buckets gets Rajon Rondo to heckle Paul and CP3 has TJ Warren return the favor? I don’t think the league would go for that last one. They would at least have to hire some social distancing enforcement officers just to be sure, but it would be fun as hell to see.

While this may not be a comparable situation to the up and down game we love, it might be a doable one. Of course, all precautions and testing need to be done first and a sterilized environment would be needed. It could even be a luck-of-the-draw, winner-take-all tournament. In this instance, the winner, or winners, would be the coronavirus response efforts, stadium employees who have lost their jobs and charities of the players’ choices. The greatest winners could be fans of the NBA and sports fans everywhere who could use something to bolster our spirits and add a little thrill to life on lockdown.

They could have a team tournament with one or two representatives from each team in a seeded bracket based on current NBA standings, plus a couple of wildcards to give us our NBA and March Madness fixes at once. Or what about player position group battles to determine the best point guards or forwards? They could do a hometown or college affiliation, Duke vs UNC or Kentucky, tournament. Or maybe one of ex-stars and Hall of Famers? Is Paul Pierce against Ray Allen or Tony Parker vs. Manu Ginobli enticing to anyone besides me? The possibilities, while not endless, are pretty expansive and there is no need for players to feel they are compromising themselves with close contact since social distancing can still be practiced. Heck, if they’re playing horse they could each be live-streaming from their own sanitized gyms wherever they’re currently locked won.

Everyone gets their own basketball and rebounder, limited camera crew and announcers and the whole world, with nothing else to do, except to watch and enjoy. PLEASE NBA, give us something. You may be the only one who can do it. We are so effing bored and scared and depressed and need a diversion, a distraction, a little competitive run to make us feel it again. Feel the excitement. Feel the energy. Feel that feeling that anything can happen and that’s why we watch. To feel, no matter if it’s good or bad. We want to go on the roller coaster that is sports because we invest ourselves into them and they give us those sparks back in return. It may not be the same, but it would be something; and right now, a little something is all we need.