What can the Chiefs afford with their $177 salary cap space?

The Kansas City Chiefs have a hilariously low $177 of salary cap space left so we decided to search the Internet for items the Super Bowl champs can afford.

Winning the Super Bowl can be expensive. According to a tweet from ESPN’s Field Yates, the Chiefs are under the NFL’s salary cap for the new league year…but just barely. Kansas City apparently only has $177 left.

Considering the league minimum salary for NFL players is…significantly higher than $177, the Chiefs currently can’t add any talent. This isn’t a situation that is likely to last. The Chiefs can cut players, re-do and extend contracts and engage in other complicated cost-saving methods that are way too boring to get into during a silly blog post like this. I know there are no sports right now but I am not so bored I am ready to commit to diving into the nuances of NFL salary cap math. Or any form of math, for that matter.

What I am willing to do is to search the Internet for things the Kansas City Chiefs can theoretically afford since they can’t use their $177 to buy the services of new players.

Let’s take a look:

Super Bowl LIV Champions: Kansas City Chiefs [Blu-ray] – $20.96

That’s right, the Chiefs can get a Blu-ray film commemorating their 2019 Super Bowl run for the low, low price of just $20.96. They’ll even get free shipping if owner Clark Hunt has Amazon Prime. Then again, Amazon Prime costs $119 a year, which would take a significant chunk out of Kansas City’s meager budget, so perhaps paying a buck for shipping might be the way to go here.

NFL Football Team 3D Optical Illusion Smart 7 Colors LED Night Light Table Lamp -19.99

Look at this value. The Chiefs can get a 3D Optical Illusion Smart 7 Color Night…my God, how long is the name of this thing? It’s a lamp, people. Not a super, mega, 3D, transcendent., multi-color, sun-substitute, soul-healing, ultra-lamp.

Anyway, the thing is hideous but the Chiefs can get if for less than the Blue-ray so put it on the maybe list, I guess?

Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition -$114.99

Since the team may not be able to report for offseason activities on time due to quarantine, the Chiefs might want to consider buying this Nintendo mini classic edition thingy. It is used but it comes loaded with a bunch of games. Hell, it only costs about $15 more than the original NES that was released in 1987.

All of the Houston Texans draft picks -$16.00…probably

Here is a list of the draft picks the Chiefs can buy from the Texans.

2nd round (57th overall)
3rd round (90th overall)
4th round (from Miami 111th overall via Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills trade)
4th round (131st overall)
5th round (171st overall)
7th round (240th overall)
7th round (compensatory pick 248th overall)
7th round (compensatory pick 250th overall)

While it may seem unlikely that the Texans would part with their eight draft picks for a mere $16, anything is possible. After all, if I told you three months ago that the NCAA Tournament and the Olympics would be canceled and that you wouldn’t wear anything other than sweatpants for the entire month of March, you’d of called me crazy. On one hand, selling eight draft picks to the defending Super Bowl champions seems like lunacy but you’re not Texans coach/GM Bill O’Brien. Now, imagine for one horrible second, you ARE Bill O’Brien. Close your eyes. Go on. You be Bill O’Brien and I will be Chiefs GM, Brett Veach.

Veach: Hi, Bill. Do you have a second? Got a little transaction to propose to you.

O’Brien: Sure thing, Brett. Shoot.

Veach: Was thinking we’d like to buy your entire stock of 2020 draft picks. What might it take to get that done?

O’Brien: Well, how about I send you DeAndre Hopkins and all those draft picks, does that work for you?

Veach: ….

O’Brien: Hello?

Veach: Um, boy that sounds GREAT, Bill but, uh, didn’t you already trade Hopkins?

O’Brien: I…oh, you’re right. Damn it! This would have been such a good deal.

Veach: I know! Rats. How about this. How about we send you $8 and you send us all your picks?

O’Brien: (Pause)

Veach: Hello?

O’Brien: Sorry, was just thinking. I dunno, Brett. All of our draft picks seems like quite a lot for only $8. We have eight draft picks this year, you know? That’s only a dollar a pick!

Veach: Damn. Can’t get anything past you, Bill! You’re a master negotiator. Guess I had to try though, right? How about this. How about $16? That is twice as many dollars as picks you have? Can’t go much higher than that Bill. $16 is nine percent of my salary cap space.

O’Brien: Deal!

And scene.