NFL on Nickelodeon: Booger McFarland getting slimed and 10 things we want to see

The NFL announced on Tuesday that it’s expanding its playoff field in 2020. M ore importantly, it is also simulcasting a Wild Card game on Nickelodeon!

In an absolutely stunning announcement Tuesday, the NFL let the world know that it intends to simulcast one of its playoff games on Nickelodeon. The game will also air on CBS but who the hell cares about that?

For those of you who don’t know what Nickelodeon is, please see yourselves out. We don’t need weirdos hanging around here. For those that do, this announcement could lead to the game broadcast being an unforgettable, trippy, hilarious experience. Or it could be a complete disaster.

While we all know the only possible outcome for this is that the NFL essentially does its best impression of the Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids” GIF, we’re going to pretend the old dudes running the league all slip into an alternate dimension and get replaced by the kids from Salute Your Shorts.

If you don’t know what Salute Your Shorts is, you should have already seen yourself out with the weirdos who didn’t know what Nickelodeon is.

An NFL game on Nickelodeon is weird so let’s get weirder and lay out 10 things we hope to see on the broadcast.

1. The National Anthem is replaced by the raising of the flag and the Salute Your Shorts theme song

NFL, if you read this list and do only one thing, please do the Cris Collinsworth slide thing covered later. But if you do TWO things, please do this… There is no way any of the players will take a knee during the Salute Your Shorts theme song. Its win, win.

2. Coaches challenges are replaced by physical challenges like on Double Dare

This seems like a no-brainer. Nobody wants to watch an old man squint into an iPad for 20 minutes in the middle of NFL action. Instead, let’s give the coaches the chance to challenge ANY play they don’t like. Patrick Mahomes hits a 50-yard touchdown pass to Sammy Watkins? Kyle Shannahan can throw his “physical challenge flag” to try to overturn the play.

Each team gets two challenges.

The catch is, the challenge will have been selected in advance by the opposing coach. So if Shannahan challenges the Mahomes touchdown, he could find himself in a wing-eating contest with Andy Reid. Hell, I’d pay to watch that right now without any football stakes. The loser of the challenge gets slimed, of course.

3. Jim Nantz and Cris Collinsworth get the call but the “Collinsworth slide” is replaced by Collinsworth coming down the “Sundae Slide.”

When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more in the world than to go down the “Sundae Slide” on Double Dare. I knew the ice cream wasn’t real but I would have eaten it anyway. I’m serious.

If given the opportunity, I was going down that slide headfirst, mouth open. If I can’t live out my childhood dream, at least I can watch Collinsworth slide down that sucker in a suit.

4. The game will be sponsored by and the players will wear, British Knights

This doesn’t really have anything to do with Nickelodeon per-say, but it would be nostalgic and awesome. Can you imagine British Knights cleats? On Raiders players? It was meant to be. Then again, the Raiders would have to make the playoffs for this to work so never mind.

5. Booger McFarland gets slimmed every time he tries to talk

Booger McFarland might not be the most popular broadcaster but that is what makes him so perfect for Nickelodeon.

First, his name is Booger. Second, his analysis is so simple, a child can understand it. Third, as soon as he starts to get boring, which is about five seconds after he starts speaking, the producers can slime the crap out of him.

Back to you, Jim.

6. The player voted the game MVP gets inducted into a secret wing of the NFL Hall of Fame called The Midnight Society. 

7. Erin Andrews is the sideline reporter but she has to be dressed in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume

8. If the Dallas Cowboys are playing in the game they must enter the field to the theme song from Hey Dude!

9. All of the referees have to wear Artie, the Strongest Man in the World’s shirt from The Adventures of Pete and Pete

This is a no-brainer. It is a totally Nickelodeon move to get rid of the zebra stripes the refs wear and to replace them with Artie shirts. While we’re at it, Nim Nantz can be required to wear the green sweater vest, Doug.

10. The team that loses in regulation can force overtime if they can retrieve the artifact from The Hidden Temple

Legends of the Hidden Temple was a totally batshit show because it was nearly impossible to win. The final round asked contestants to complete The Temple Run, where they would try to navigate a series of rooms solving puzzles and avoiding “Temple Guards” while trying to retrieve an “artifact.”

Mental Floss has a terrific article outlining how the “Temple Guards” traumatized children and other insane facts about the show. In the end, only 30 teams managed to complete the “Temple Run” in 120 episodes. That is only 25 percent!

While 25 percent is a small number when it comes to children’s game show victors, it seems just right for NFL playoffs overtime. Imagine the look on Bill Belichick’s face when his team beats the Browns 42-13 but then has to go to overtime because Baker Mayfield somehow managed to put that silver monkey statue together in record time?

The NFL needs this.

Bonus: The halftime show will be 30 minutes of Keenan and Kel skits

Give the people what they want.

There are so many more fun options here. I am going to keep thinking about this and I suggest you do, too. There is plenty of time to round up all the good ideas and send them to the NFL so it can implement none of them.