Ice Cold Takes is a weekly humor column focused on what is trending around the NHL… Or whatever.
Unprecedented times call for unprecedented… columns. There is a surprising amount of NHL hockey content out there on the internet but chances are, you’ve seen it all. Unless you work in health care (bless you all, you heroes) then chances are your screen time has been up lately.
Let’s kick off the column with a song. It’s a bit of an older jam but it has some important messages. Stay away from public transit, don’t go out to clubs, stockpile some cash, “don’t travel at all,” and some other, less-important advice.
Remember Lonely Island? For a hot second there in 2011, you couldn’t go to a club without hearing a thousand people yelling either “I’m on a Boat” or “I Just Had Sex” (neither of which were actively happening at the time). We’re already off the rails. Let’s get into a bit of hockey.
But the key change in “I Just Had Sex” is f*****g magical… Sorry! Maybe a little too much Bailey’s in the coffee this morning. Focus. Okay, here we go.
Stay sharp
It’s important that everyone finds a way to stay relatively active during this quarantine. Gyms, practice facilities and parks are all closed, but there has never been a better time to get outside and work on your shot. That’s exactly what Ryan Strome did in between trips to the Gulag.
https://twitter.com/strome18/status/1243239363926020097
Amazing. He didn’t miss one shot! Connor McDavid upped his squat game when he added his extremely fluffy dog to the workout routine. Try this one at home.
https://twitter.com/hockeynight/status/1243317807653228546
Unfortunately, this doesn’t work if you have five-pound
rats
dogs like I do. Speaking of dogs, someone took their quarantine time to fix fighting in the NHL.
Just make this a staple of every broadcast and no one will complain about fighting in the game anymore! I miss hockey. Do you miss hockey? My mom was watching a pre-recorded Winnipeg Jets game that she found on her DVR last night. We were just about to enter the best part of the NHL season, too. AHH!
Can’t think that way. It’ll be back, right? They’ll find a way to salvage the season. Deep breath. We can get through this…
Mini sticks
I have no idea what, where or how this is, but it is amazing. We should make this an Olympic sport. Also, could you imagine how good Connor McDavid would be if he had 300% more room to skate by people?
The best part about this was the goaltending. Even though he had the angle on the incoming player, he decided to go Dominik Hasek on him anyway. Hell of a display of concentration from the guy who scored.
If the NHL moved to soccer pitch-sized rinks for a summer series everyone would have a blast… except for the Toronto Maple Leafs. They’d find something to complain about. Speaking of!
Toronto Maple Leafs
It’s been a while since going in on some Leafs fans so let’s take a few minutes to rattle off a list of notes on the NHL’s golden child franchise.
- Congratulations on not being eliminated from the playoffs in April! Regardless of how this season ends, the Leafs will be alive through the month of May, which is a first for most of their fans.
- You’re all saving so much money. It costs about a thousand dollars to go to a Leafs game ($400 ticket, $600 beers). All of you die-hards who aren’t spending money on tickets now have a nice nest egg to pass along to your children.
- The Raptors are still champions! Until we get any sort of conclusion to any sports season, the Toronto Raptors remain NBA champions.
- You aren’t currently insufferable a**holes. Yep, without an NHL to complain about, you’ve all been so quiet! It’s been nice. Keep it up.
It’s a tough time for everyone so I wanted to keep that relatively positive.
Massachu…what?
Here’s a video of Minnesota Wild forward J.T. Brown’s wife Lexi trying to pronounce Massachusetts. It’s one of the better things you’ll watch today.
https://twitter.com/JTBrown23/status/1245792138782179332
Two great ones
Finally, everyone should spend ten minutes of their day watching Wayne Gretzky and Connor McDavid talk about hockey and playing in Edmonton. Even if you hate these guys (What up Calgary), this brings us ten minutes closer to having the NHL back.
Edmonton was finally back on track for a solid playoff push and then all of this happened. It’s okay, though, they’ll have a great chance to win when the NHL officially announces the 31-team playoff for the Stanley Cup this summer. There aren’t many teams better suited for a one-game series than the team with McJesus.
Speaking of which, Can we make it a 24-team playoff? Keeps the numbers clean (and if we’re being honest, I’m not overly excited about the potential Bruins vs. Red Wings first round game…). This would also set up Bruins vs. Canadiens (rivalry) Leafs vs. Hurricanes (Ayers), Blues vs. Blackhawks (upset) and Flames vs. Oilers (yes please) in the first round. BOOK IT.
Keep your head up.