The Whiteboard: NBA players as your favorite TV and movie characters

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With everyone having so much extra time in front of their devices these days, digital trends have a way of coalescing quickly. Two weeks ago it was all Tiger King. At the end of last week, you might have seen pictures like this popping up in your social media feeds, matching your friends and acquaintances with popular television and movie characters.

Those images were the output of everyone’s newest, favorite distraction: Statistical “Which Character” Personality Quiz. The quiz is part of the Open-Source Psychometrics Project and it was designed to be a more scientific version of the “which character are you?” quizzes from sites like Buzzfeed:

"“These quizzes are very fun, as evidenced by their extreme popularity. But they are not that meaningful, two people who get the same result on a typical example of these tests don’t necessarily have much more in common than two randomly paired individuals. So for the longest time this website had not one character match personality quiz, but I guess it was inevitable because here is an attempt at a slightly more scientific, but still silly, “Which Character Are You?” test.This test was created by getting volunteers to rate the perceived personality of a variety of characters (currently 510). A user’s self ratings are compared against these profiles and the closest match is found.”"

Naturally, after finding out I’m somewhere between Milhouse Van Houten and Chandler Bing, I decided to see if I could fight my deep and abiding disappointment by running some other personalities through the quiz. Here are who several big NBA personalities matched up with (based on my perception of their traits).

Kyrie Irving is John Hammond (Jurrasic Park)

If you don’t recognize the name, John Hammond is the intellectual and financial backer of Jurassic Park (the crazy old guy with the hat and the white beard). I’m actually torn about this one because Kyrie does seem like the kind of player who would get enmeshed in a grand and absurd vision like recreating the flora and fauna of a previous geological era. The problem is a) I don’t think he’d have the attention span to actually follow through on this before getting distracted by something else and b) I’m not sure he actually believes dinosaurs are real.

Chris Paul is Nick Fury (Marvel)

Relentless in his single-minded pursuit of victory in the endgame. Relishes moving other, more powerful pieces around the board as he implements a grand strategy. Comfortable with violence and any means that are justified by the ends. And, Chris Paul would look super badass drilling mid-range jumpers in a black leather duster and an eye-patch.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is Troy Barnes (Community)

Giannis presents like a jock, the dominant letterman, prom king and senior class president. But everyone knows he’s really a goofball, a mile-wide-smile at the top of a winning ticket for the athlete’s genetic lottery. Troy Barnes was a star athlete with a secret talent for fixing things and a hidden bent for nerd culture. Giannis can dunk on anyone but he like smoothies and doesn’t mind sharing his terrible guitar-playing with the world. I’m pretty sure he’s got a whole separate room for his Star Wars legos.

LeBron James is Charlotte Hale (Westworld)

Hale is calculating, controlling and always had the big picture in mind. She’s comfortable with her place at the top of the pyramid and his no problem resting her ambitions on the foundational bricks below her. She sees what she wants and she takes it. LeBron’s personality is rounded out in different ways but his on-court persona has a Hale-flair to it. And (season 3 spoiler) it’s possible that he’s just a host for the consciousness of Michael Jordan.

James Harden is Mycroft Holmes (Sherlock)

Mycroft, Sherlock’s older brother, was infinitely intelligent (perhaps more so than his brother) and a master manipulator. His relationship to his brother is also interesting as a metaphor for Harden — a package of outlier traits that should be endearing (as they are with Sherlock) is somehow not. Like how is Harden’s offensive brilliance somehow grating and exhausting?

Nikola Jokic is Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

He’s specifically Homer from “Homer at the bat,” just mashing everything with his Wonder Bat, the slightly out-of-shape guy you can’t believe is actually a professional athlete but he somehow only hits dingers.

Draymond Green is Han Solo (Star Wars)

It all makes sense now. Remember that infamous Warriors game in Utah, when Draymond was heard yelling through the walls of the visiting locker room at halftime? It was because Steve Kerr, in a brief moment of frustration, had the temerity to call Draymond a “scruffy-looking nerf-herder.”

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