5 college football mascots that are pure nightmare fuel

Five college football mascots that are pure nightmare fuel.

I’m gonna tell you a story.

For those who are the oldest child in your family, this will strike a chord with you. Surely, there were many occasions when you went to an amusement park, a sporting event or went to go sit on Santa’s lap at the mall. That’s just part of Americana. Whether you were a child of the ’80s, ’90s, 2000s or whenever you did these things because it was a part of American life. It’s what you did.

But every time you go to one of those places, you’re certain to come across a costumed character. Usually, it’s some anthropomorphic bear or lion or something. The point is the “mascot” is supposed to bring joy to kids’ faces, like Mickey Mouse or Santa Claus.

Too bad your little brother or sister couldn’t handle this magical moment, causes a scene and your family has to go elsewhere to avoid more side-eyed looks from the peanut gallery. For me, that moment was in Chattanooga, Tennessee back in the late 1990s.

My family spent the weekend on the touristy town on the banks of the Tennessee River. We saw a Chattanooga Lookouts game, we went to the Tennessee Aquarium, we saw an IMAX movie when that was a brand-new thing. It was all going great until we went to our hotel.

We were going to stay at the iconic Chattanooga Choo Choo Hotel on Market Street. Too bad my pre-school sister saw one of those anthropomorphic mascots and my mom was like, “We’re staying at the Marriott now.” My sister was that kid, as every picture on Santa’s lap from 1994 to 1998 was a screaming tear-soaked extravaganza. The poor folks at Town Center at Cobb hated us.

We had to wait until the crying stopped to give Walt Disney World a shot. So we partied like it was 1999 at the Wilderness Lodge because it just so happened to be 1999. Good times. When the crying becomes laughter, that’s when you know you’ve gotten past THAT stage as a parent.

Well, since it is my profession to write about college football and make lists about college football, that is what I’m going to do now. With the Chattanooga screams from 20 years ago forever etched in my brain, I sadly cannot silence the lambs. But what I can do is write about five college football mascots no self-respecting parent will invite to their son or daughter’s fourth birthday party.

5. Nightmare fuel college football mascots: Lil’ Red, Nebraska Cornhuskers

Back in 1993, Lil’ Red was created out of Nebraska boredom and as a way to appeal to kids. As an infant, Lil’ Red saw three national championships in the first five years of his life. And that’s when this inflatable country kid stopped aging. He’s clearly living in the past, just like Nebraska football.

Nebraska already had a cool mascot by the name of Herbie Husker. He’s a big, buff, perpetually-smiling (aren’t they all?) cowboy-looking dude. Herbie is about as offensive as the red and white color scheme of Nebraska athletics. That’s not to say he’s a perfect mascot, but he’s one Cornhuskers should be proud of. Unfortunately, they’ve drunk too much of the Lil’ Red Kool-Aid.

He’s one of those creepy inflatable air weirdos who walks on his head and can contort himself like he’s Emily Rose mid-exorcism. Okay, maybe not that sinister of a maneuver, but Lil’ Red and his Tom DeLonge side-cocked hat definitely wouldn’t be afraid to bring a chainsaw to a kid’s birthday party. There’s work to be done on the family farm before the Nebraska Chainsaw Massacre.

While he’s no Leatherface, can you trust someone who needs to be filled with air to be successful? It is why you should never befriend an inflatable mascot under any circumstances. They are damn shapeshifters and who see twisting their malleable bodies as a means to connect with the youth. Saying, “hi” would do the trick, but you can never trust the mute ones, especially from the country.