The mystery behind Jay Cutler’s dead chickens has finally been solved

The world has learned what vicious beast killed Jay Cutler’s chickens.

Pour one out for Jay Cutler‘s dead chickens…

The former starting quarterback of the Chicago Bears and star of the Vanderbilt Commodores took us on an unforgettable life-changing murder mystery we never knew we were all that interested. It was about learning how much Cutler could ever care about anything. He loved his chickens like any proud warm-blooded father figure ever would.

For days, we had no idea what was murdering Cutler’s favorite feathered friends. Bigfoot was a possibly and so was his cat with loose morals named Thelma. No, it wasn’t an inside job, thankfully. It was far, far more sinister than this. On Wednesday morning, we learned the truth. It was a raccoon who was eating all this chickens. This trash panda ruined the lives of fowl creatures.

A sasquatch, a menacing mountain lion, a frightening fox or even a very scary bear would have been epic, but no, it was a stinky, selfish trash panda. If you liked raccoons up until today, you need to change your mind. That vicious clawed beast ended the lives of many of Cutler’s closest friends. I’d be devastated to if I lost the closest things I had to friends, too. On a stage like Instagram…

A raccoon is responsible for the deaths of all of Jay Cutler’s chickens.

We never knew until these last few weeks how a former starting quarterback could love something so much that couldn’t even talk. He couldn’t take these chickens on walks or really let them in the house and give them belly rubs, but those were his birds, man. They were a flock of the same feather. It was a damn tragedy and one we’re never, ever going to forget.

So when you see a bunch of yardbirds and roosters doing their thing outside of the coop living their best lives as our favorite avian friends, just remember Cutler cared more for those birds than he ever did playing for the Miami Dolphins. To him, the Dolphins were a pay cut, but precious chicken buddies, that’s the type of friendship we hope lasts forever. I can’t believe it’s over.

Cutler taught us how much pet chickens can mean to aloof signal-callers with rocket right arms.