How many rounds could you go with Ed Orgeron in the boxing ring?

If you had to face Ed Orgeron in the boxing ring, how long would you last?

Nothing will hold that tiger back that is coach Ed Orgeron in the boxing ring.

The recently single national championship-winning head coach of the LSU Tigers has taken up a new hobby during the global pandemic. Known as a runner, Oregon has embraced the art of combat sports unlike ever before. He is becoming the greatest rookie 59-year-old boxer the world has ever seen. I can smell a championship belt being cooked up over in the Louisiana bayou.

The longtime college football head coach specializes in coaching up defensive linemen and recruiting better than just about anybody under the sun this side of the Mississippi River. So if you don’t think he’s taking boxing seriously, just wait until Coach O punches you in the mouth, bloodies your lip and gives you a sweet shiner you can “show off” in one Zoom meeting after another.

I’m not a fighter, but I am competitive as hell. If I could stay in the ring with Coach O long enough for him to respect me, I’d let him Tyler Durden my Jared Leto Angel Face if it means I can walk onto the LSU football team. I’ve got four years of eligibility left. I’ve always wanted to major in dinosaurs and compete really hard as a 30-year-old on special teams in Death Valley.

I used to be in good shape, but COVID-19 happened. Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot shut down my glorious Lakefront Trail. With a tad more cultivated mass than normal, can I kick this Vince Vaughn physique to the curb, find some cardiovascular fitness deep inside of me and do my best Chuck Wepner impersonation against the most beloved college football coach of our lifetimes? Oh, boy…

How many rounds can you hold that tiger vs. Ed Orgeron in the boxing ring?

There are only three options here. I must go three rounds, four rounds or nine rounds. Nothing less or in between. If I hit the mat after one jab to the dome, I have a glass jaw, I embarrassed my family and I deserved to be fed to Mike the Tiger as an appetizer. Since I respect myself more than that, I will bleed out of both my eyeballs and earholes before going down in the first two rounds.

The reason round No. 3 is significant is that’s the number of Rocky movies before Survivor became legends with “Eye of the Tiger“. I need to hear one of the greatest songs from an ’80s movie soundtrack before I become too concussed to know what’s going on or lose too much blood to the mat before I pass out. Thank god for Vasoline and the Stone Temple Pilots for making Purple cool.

Once I survived the “Eye of the Tiger”, I must get at least one more round in. Getting into the fourth round means I have gone the distance in as many rounds as there are quarters in a football game. I may blow a 28-3 lead in the fourth round, but Coach O may let me play on special teams once I can see out of both of my eyes again. He’ll know I’m tough enough to play sparingly in the SEC.

And I if want to become a Louisiana legend, I must then go a full nine rounds to match “The Geauxt” Joe Burrow‘s jersey number. I’ll never be a Heisman Trophy winner. I’ve accepted that a long time ago, but if I go nine rounds maybe I can win the Burlsworth and get a Cajun spelling of my Bavarian surname? Does the -eaux come before or after the L?

Truthfully, I have a better chance of being fed to Mike the Tiger than going the distance against Coach O. He’s too nice to feed a stupid Dawg like me to his Tiger friend Mike. I will do everything in my power to make it to the third round. There may be irreparable damage done to my face, but at least I’d be in consideration for a graduate assistant position in 2021. He may even let me recruit!

With all the courage I have, I can go three rounds vs. Coach O, just so I can hear “Eye of the Tiger.”

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