The Battle of the Razor’s Edge: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew

Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew will be one epic facial hair battle.

Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew is the quarterback battle we’ve all been waiting for.

There may not be a better matchup ever at the quarterback position than FitzMagic vs. The Jockstrap King. In a primetime affair built for Duval County, let’s hope the Ghost of Jason Mendoza doesn’t come back to haunt us and ruin what will be the most sacred of quarterback battles: The Battle of the Razor’s Edge. Beautiful Beardsmen vs. Mustachioed magnificence. Are. You. Ready?

The loser should be forced to go clean shaven and walk into the St. Johns.

In a football battle more Florida Man than you’ll ever see on the news, we have a Harvard genius rocking an NFL ZZ Top beard vs. the Mississippi Mustache who learned how to play ball real good from “The Pirate” Mike Leach. There will be more teal on display than you could ever imagine at a Charlotte Hornets or Seattle Mariners game. It’s the Miami Dolphins vs. the Jacksonville Jaguars!

The bulletin board material is abundant. There are plenty of other ways to dig at a man’s soul, but questioning his facial hair growing abilities is among the most emasculating. You grow what you can grow and you be proud of the fact you are you and you are awesome, bro! Fitzpatrick may be winning the beard game and the having kids game, but Minshew is actually winning NFL games.

With the confidence and the swagger of Ken Stabler’s long-lost son, Minshew is refusing to lose as the beautiful face of the Jaguars organization. Trevor Lawrence could be coming soon, but can he grow facial hair like he can those long blonde locks of love? Who cares? Minshew’s boss Shahid Khan owns the team and can grow one of the best mustaches this side of the Atlantic Ocean.

Fitzpatrick has yet to be FitzMagical this season, as his Dolphins are 0-2 on the year. Thankfully, the hapless train wreck known as the New York Jets play in the same AFC East division. Eventually, Fitzpatrick will lose the Dolphins’ starting job because Tua Tagovailoa will be healthy enough to play. Fitzpatrick may be a loser at winning football games, but he wins every day with that beard.

No, it’s not just The Battle of the Razor’s Edge on display in a game built for The NFL Network. It’s the Buhler Bowl, baby! We’ve got two heroes of mine thriving in their existences. Fitzpatrick is the big brother I never had. Dare I say it, if I let my beard get most unruly, I do look a little Fitzmagical. As for Minshew, why do you think I’m growing out the flow and shopping for headbands?

In short, I want them both to win, but I can’t let that happen because ties suck, as they’re not American and we’re not about that. I don’t want it to be any more awkward than when either one of them have to take a Bic to the face, go clean-shaven like a square and then proceed to walk into the St. Johns with no reason to live. I hope they can swim, because that would suck otherwise.

Last week, we got a great Thursday Night Football game between two Ohio quarterbacks with Heisman Trophies. This week, Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson are gonna have to wait their damn turn and experience elite football in all its glory. I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a game in my entire life. Super Bowl 33. Super Bowl 51. Nah, I kept my soul intact to enjoy this.

Two top-32 quarterbacks are fighting for No. 1 and No. 2 in the facial hair game of our lifetimes.