Pablo Sandoval DH-ing for Braves at Fenway will be must-see TV

Pablo Sandoval will DH and bat seventh for the Atlanta Braves vs. the Boston Red Sox.

Tuesday night’s television spectacular features none other than Kung Fu Panda himself, as Pablo Sandoval will DH and bat seventh for the Atlanta Braves in their series opener vs. the Boston Red Sox.

There are three MLB clubs who have employed Sandoval in his illustrious 14-year career. Two of which throughly love the svelte, switch-hitting corner infielder, and the Red Sox are absolutely not one of them. Even if he won three World Series for the San Francisco Giants, there will not be a statue in his likeness in Boston as it would be in the Bay Area and right in front of The Battery.

Sandoval will do extraordinary things as the Braves’ designated hitter in his Fenway return.

Pablo Sandoval: Atlanta Braves DH extraordinaire vs. Boston Red Sox

While he has only played 35 games in Braves uniform, Sandoval has become a living legend in the ursidae-an house that Evan Gattis built. If El Oso Blanco can destroy giant pieces of lumber on his back with one back swing, Sandoval can be Master Ping Xiao Po doing Jack Black things at Fenway. If he hits Pesky’s Pole, Twitter might burn like the Stanford admissions building in Orange County.

What these last several months with Sandoval have done to the lives of many Braves Countrymen cannot be explained in a series of novels. There are not enough pleasant adjectives readily available in the English language to describe the scrumtrulescent nature of The Kung Fu Panda. Bostonians may hate him, but they hate most people anyway and will never embrace The Panda.

If Sandoval’s DH excellence does not melt your face off tonight, Twitter, then you’re not hardcore.