MLB

Predicting the next pitcher to throw a perfect game

Predicting who the next MLB pitcher to throw a perfect game will be is an impossible task.

Here is to being wrong, as I will 100 percent accurately predict the next pitcher to throw a perfect game in MLB.

Not since King Felix Hernandez was perfect vs. the Tampa Bay Rays a decade ago has a big-league pitcher gone 27 up, 27 down. Rays starter Drew Rasmussen was close but no cigar on Sunday, as Jorge Mateo brought a swift end to that in St. Pete with one swing of the bat in the top of the ninth. Eventually, somebody is going to do what Hernandez once did. Until then, who’s got next?

Tasked with this impossible challenge, I could have gone safe and picked a future hall of famer like Clayton Kershaw, Max Scherzer or Justin Verlander. Truth be told, I secretly hate people who are older than me, especially big-league pitchers. Issues with authority, I know. Though I wanted to go with Bartolo Colon with every fiber of my being, it kills me to no end that it ain’t happening, brosef.

Odds are, it is probably going to be some dude we have never heard of many decades from now.

Since I’m writing this, inject some Stache N Gas into my veins and let’s roll with Spencer Strider!

Powered by Stache N Gas, Spencer Strider will be the next pitcher to go perfect

The Atlanta Braves have won two World Series since I could read, so that’s cool. But you know what isn’t? I have no memory of the last time they even pulled off a no-no. Oh, I remember Kent Mercker alright, but I have no recollection whatsoever of him making sure the 1994 Los Angeles Dodgers did not get a single hit. The season crowned no champion anyway, so it was for nothing.

Conversely, I do remember very well when the Braves got perfecto-ed big time vs. Randy Johnson and the Snakes. It was my sister’s 10th birthday. We saw it happen on the old Superstation before crying tears of pain on top of a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. At least we had no problems extinguishing those 10 sacred candles. More than anything, I want Strider to beat up some snakes.

The stars will have to align for Strider to remain tremendous the next time the Braves play the Snakes, but picture this. Hotter than hell in late August, Strider rides into town on his trusted steed. Hashtag blessed with a mustache Sam Elliott would be mad jealous of, Strider mows down snakes like he’s Jean-Claude Van Damme in Hard Target. Strider will need to pitch in a cowboy hat.

After striking out some dude we have never heard of, Strider will twirl off the mound one last time like the got dam ballerina he is. Braves Country will erupt in a blaze of glory, as Chip Caray wrecks his vocal cords beyond belief. Envision his greatest warning track fly ball call and multiply that by 6000 and there you go. They will build a statue of Stache N Gas in the Battery the very next day.

Oh, this is 100 trillion percent not happening, but if it does, I got dibs on writing a book about it.