The Moonshot: MLB free agency rumors and offseason superlatives
By Staff
Well, we believe in exit velocity, bat flips, launch angles, stealing home, the hanging curveball, Big League Chew, sausage races, and that unwritten rules of any kind are self-indulgent, overrated crap. We believe Greg Maddux was an actual wizard. We believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment protecting minor league baseball and that pitch framing is both an art and a science. We believe in the sweet spot, making WARP not war, letting your closer chase a two-inning save, and we believe love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.
Latest MLB Free Agency rumors
Things are moving slowly for many of the biggest names in MLB free agency but plenty is happening behind the scenes. Here are a few of the latest rumors about what’s coming.
- Even after adding slugger Carlos Santana, the Pittsburgh Pirates continue to search for veteran bats. Among the players on their radar include Jace Peterson, sources say. Additionally, the team is looking for another starting pitcher and has shown interest in Kyle Gibson and Jose Quintana.
- Despite pitching only 13 innings the last two seasons, reliever Tommy Kahnle is drawing strong interest on the free agent market. “He’s going to get a surprisingly really nice payday,” one source said.
- Reliever Matt Strahm is another pitcher drawing strong interest. While he had interest in following Michael Lorenzen’s footsteps in transitioning from a reliever to a starter, the lack of high-end bullpen options makes it likely that he remains a reliever.
Totally, completely real leaked Aaron Judge offers from across MLB
New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman made a significant miscalculation when he leaked the Yankees’ preseason extension offer to Aaron Judge just before Opening Day. This dissatisfied Judge (who’d already rejected the sum), leading to the current offseason frenzy.
Somehow, Judge’s camp was completely unable to stop the leaks again, even after their client repeatedly told them to focus on stopping the leaks. Here are the current leaks.
- New York Yankees: 9 Years, $325 Million, Captaincy of the New York Yankees, The Opportunity to Kick and Punch Any Previous Yankees Captain (Living or Dead)
- San Francisco Giants: 7 Years, $280 Million, Wooden Platform Covered in Seals
- Los Angeles Dodgers: 2 Years, $200 Million, Opportunity to Repaint Hollywood Sign in Favorite Colors (Judge Camp Countered With Change to ‘Holly Robinson Peete’
- )New York Mets: [REDACTED] Years, $[CENSORED] Million (Contract Offer Expunged Due to Terms of New Best Friendship Bracelet Shared by Steve Cohen and Hal Steinbrenner)
- Boston Red Sox: One Year, $15 Million, But You Have to Pay Half of It to Nathan Eovaldi
- Colorado Rockies: One Year, $38 Million, Endless Laughs as Your Effortless Pop-Ups Tear Through the Ozone Layer and Travel 550 Feet Into Someone’s IPA
- Chicago Cubs: One Year, $22 Million, Jason Heyward Jersey, Must Pretend to Be Jason Heyward for Tax Purposes
- Cleveland Browns: One Year, $18.3259 Million (Franchise Tag for Right Fielders-Turned-Tight Ends)
- New York Yankees: OK, Fine, We’ll Rename the Judge’s Chambers “The Holly Robinson Peete Chambers”
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2022 Free Agent (High School) Superlatives
Best to Bring Home to Mom and Dad: Aaron Judge
Says all the right things. Is a nice, tall, handsome man. Gets good grades and excels in athletics. Might even be in an after-school club. Might even be the class president. Will get your daughter home not a second after dad’s mandated curfew. Manages to fend off all the fanatical females and find the “right” girl. His Twitter bio is “Christian, Faith, Family, then Baseball.” He’ll be spending his Sundays giving back and conversing with everyone in the community. What’s not to like?
Best Looking: Noah Syndergaard/Dansby Swanson
This is a tie. Can you blame us? Both are among the most handsome in the sport and happen to be free agents at the same time. Completely different looks yet just as dazzling. What do you want us to do?
Worst Case of Senioritis: Cody Bellinger
If Bellinger’s “Senior Year” was 2021, then he was held back and had to stay for 2022, where he only marginally improved with his offensive output. The Dodgers gave him a D+ and let him walk at graduation because there was no other recourse. Seems like a “one year at community college and then try to transfer” type situation. The talent/intelligence is somewhere in there! We’ve seen it before Freshman-Junior year.
Teacher’s Pet: Christian Vazquez
“Hi Mr. Sullivan, don’t forget to collect today’s homework before we leave!” is something Christian Vazquez would almost certainly say after being a Company Man in Boston the last two years. The Red Sox screwed him out of an incentive bonus for 2022 by limiting his plate appearances and then traded him across the dugout when they were in Houston. Vazquez had nothing but good things to say about the Sox. He’ll take more homework and a pop quiz, while you’re at it, Chaim Bloom.
Quietest: Jacob deGrom/Corey Kluber
You might’ve forgotten Kluber was a free agent because … exactly. Have you ever heard an in-depth deGrom interview? The guy ran away from the media last year when they tried to flag him down and ask about his injury. Don’t expect him to talk to the school paper after his outing in the state championship game. If he does, expect him to do his best Bevis impression.
Biggest Drama King: Carlos Correa
Wahhhh. Probably gossiping in the halls with his pseudo-friends. Probably bullying a defenseless classmate at one point or another. Definitely looking for a fight in the back parking lot after somebody called him a “b—h” for putting up an emo away message or Facebook status. Carlos Correa is the emotional, polarizing jock that looks at himself in the mirror every morning and tells himself there’s nobody better than he is. He’s certainly showing up wasted to a weekend party and ruining it toward the end of the night.
Most Likely to Not Change At All: Joey Gallo
Joey Gallo. Still spiking his hair from 5th grade until senior year. Still laying out his clothes/uniform the exact same way only for the media to call him out, or have his high school teammates devise a plan to ruin his pregame routine in a hazing stunt to see him freak out. Still coming to the plate with the same approach despite hitting .183 and striking out 376 times over the last two years. There you have it.
Most Athletic: Trea Turner
This one’s standard and boring but couldn’t be ignored. Turner’s a five-tool player who can hit bombs and run the bases in record time. He would’ve been a nightmare to face in dodgeball, floor hockey, flag football, you name it. Definitely the kid who showed off in gym class.
Most Likely to Give Homework Over the Holiday Weekend: Justin Verlander
The soon-to-be 40-year-old Justin Verlander simply has to be a member of the faculty at this point. He’s the most senior of anybody among the top free agents, and his dedication to his craft (a Cy Young award the year after undergoing Tommy John surgery) suggests he’ll be making you study over the holiday because there’s never taking a break if you want to be the best. Might even flip you the bird as a joke on the way out before Christmas break.
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