Steelers biggest addition of offseason won’t see the field in 2023

The only thing that matters is the Pittsburgh Steelers brought back a Heinz Field ketchup bottle.

It may not be Heinz Field anymore, but Pittsburgh Steelers fans will get to enjoy a familiar friend at the Heinz Gate of most sacred Acrisure Stadium going forward, forever and always.

To say the removal of the two majestic oversized bottles of Heinz ketchup was utter blasphemy would be putting it lightly. Yinzers bleed Heinz ketchup, just like Marylanders bleed Old Bay and us ATLiens bleed an unhealthy concoction of a lemon-peppered Coca-Cola paste. It’s all gross, but we know what we’re made of. To have at least one bottle returned to Acrisure gives all Yinzers hope.

It wasn’t to the tune of desecrating a grave, but the bottles should have never left their home…

This piece of art is every bit as important to Western PA culture as is the Franco Harris statue.

Pittsburgh Steelers totally have the ketchup gods back on their side for real now

You don’t have to like ketchup or Steelers football to be in support of this culturally significant art movement. The bottle of ketchup may no longer be a prop when the Steelers are in the red zone, but it certainly brought people together, like a plate of fries you share with friends, family and significant others. For some strange reason, I believe Andy Warhol is smiling down on Acrisure.

Getting rid of the ketchup bottles is right up there with one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I’m not a Steelers fan and I mostly tolerate ketchup, but I hate seeing people’s souls being crushed by rampant corporate stooge buffoonery. It was to quote Tool, disgustipating. I know the pieces fit at Acrisure because I have seen them on TV! No schism should deny people of their hope.

I want Yinzers from all over to show up to Acrisure as part of a weekly pilgrimage, especially in the fall. Take me to church, bruh. Eventually, little boys and girls are going to want to have their birthday parties outside of the stadium. I know this will happen because I grew up in the shadows of The Big Chicken. It was campy and pushed Pepsi in a Coke town, but damn, did that art inspire!

If you needed a reassurance that there are real ones out there in the world, just look for the bottle.