NFL is cheaping out on one big item on players’ wish list

The NFL has all the money in the world to make sure its 30 stadiums have natural grass playing surfaces but are so shamelessly cheap in not doing so.

As FanSided‘s self-proclaimed playing surface expert, I have some thoughts on how cheapy cheap cheap the NFL is being about establishing universal playing surfaces for its various stadiums.

There are only 30 of them because the New York and L.A. teams share facilities, but it doesn’t have to be this hard. The NFLPA wants their dirty 30 to be about the grass, man. The shield doesn’t believe in simple solutions. As a person who is so tired of seeing full-grown men’s sinew be ripped to shreds like barbecued pulled pork, I stand united as a proud member of Team Grass.

Of course, I hate craptastic grass even more so, and I am absolutely referring to you, Solider Field and Neyland Stadium. Fix your field, Tennessee! You disgust me to no end about this “turf”, bro!

NFL makes a mockery of its players wanting to play in natural grass surfaces

I need to be honest here. Are the Unholy Triumvirate of NFL Penny-Pinching simultaneously compromising the Playing Surface Committee? United together in frugalness, the Cincinnati Bengals, Los Angeles Chargers and Washington Commanders would let their teams play on sawdust and loose gravel if the league turned a blind eye to them. Whatever it takes to save…

When you have three franchises in a constant Nash equilibrium of trying to figure out how to sell the other parties’ kidneys to make five bucks, here we freaking are, man… While it is not all on the teams themselves, the players only have so long to make a living in a game based on regulated violence. Maybe it’s the cleats? Maybe it’s wearing outdoor cleats inside of a freaking dome, bro?!

Regardless, I would love to give professional athletes all of my remaining good sinew, but I can only give so much. This sedentary lifestyle ain’t for everyone, but man’s gotta eat. When asked by someone dear to me what I would do if I became philanthropic millionaire, I said I would help the kids, but I stand corrected. I will be the biggest advocate of grass this side of Willie Nelson, baby!

I don’t burn often, but I burn for players’ safety. Even though I’m allergic to grass and can’t even breathe out of my nose half the time, I am willing to make this major sacrifice for the greater good. All I ask is you give me the nickname and enough resources to be the John Deere Buhler this world deserves. I mean, Forrest Gump cut grass for free. I could do the same, but on a much larger scale.

Overall, we’re going to need two more star quarterbacks’ legs explode for Roger Goodell and the boys to get that they don’t get it. As a token of their good faith, I will found a grass collective and name the two strains of supreme and undeniable growth after the two signal-callers whose knees and Achilles bit the dust like Queen once sang. Like Freddie Mercury, their careers didn’t die in vain.

I’m not super political, but I believe in the cause more than Gotham ever believed in Harvey Dent.