What made baseball fun this week: Shohei Ohtani is more Funyuns than Fugees, Marcell Ozuna vs. Will Smith forever
By John Buhler
MLB fans are wondering if Shohei Ohtani likes 90s music, in addition to salty snacks, or if he has even heard of Zach or Seth Galifianakis…
What made baseball fun this week resides in Los Angeles, the Southeast and of course, the Midwest.
We are almost to Memorial Day, which means we have got some memories to make, Dawg. It has been engrained in MLB fans’ memories what time to tune into the local RSN to watch your favorite team win, lose and definitely not draw, because tying is the most un-American thing ever devised since the metric system. Why Change when you can keep doing you, like Marcell Ozuna?
It doesn’t take a Blind Melon to see that there is No Rain inside of Floridian domes, soon-to-be-condemned Milwaukee palaces and largely Los Angeles. But Don’t Cry when it rains in L.A., and please don’t use your illusion, bro. It may be hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain, but hey little thing, let me light your candle ’cause, mama, I’m sure Hard to Handle now, gets around.
This week, baseball was mostly about All-Beef Teams, billionaire steaks, Funyuns and a bicoastal batter’s box feuds. Who doesn’t love that? It was a little salty this past week, whether that be the pettiness, or the discharge that seems to come out of Freddie Freeman’s eyes when he nears the Chattahoochee. It’s Simple, Jack. Just don’t ask Tug Speedman to make his eyes rain again for us.
Without further ado, let’s get this thing poppin’ like Danny McBride controlling a fireworks show!
You’re just going to have to trust me that this week’s segments are absolute fire!
- Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
- This. Is. Florida. Baseball!
- Look good, feel good, play good
- The Dude of the Week, man
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: Rowdy Tellez, welcome to the All-Beef Team, baby!
Do you know The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man! You better believe Rowdy Tellez sure does. As a card-carrying member of the All-Beef Team, The Muffin Man is clearly the alias for Miguel Jordan. It’s about being the best looking man from the ankles down. Herm Edwards would most certainly attest to this because you play to win the game. Hello?! Watch out. He’ll punch you!
https://twitter.com/Cut4/status/1659621091470393344
As a once-husky No. 11 first baseman from the suburbs, Tellez’s hot mic’d shenanigans resonate with me more than they probably should. With the confidence to get all the meats you can at an Arby’s drive-thru, we can only hope he bleeds blood that looks and tastes like the most perfect concoction of Arby’s and Horsey Sauce. Sir, is this an Arby’s? No, this is American Family Field!
Let’s not get too rowdy about Rowdy. We can’t hire Da Maniac to do stunts for us during the seventh inning stretch anymore. He and The Gang had a falling out, among other things… While Rowdy Roddy White ain’t walking through that door, let’s just hope the co-captains of the All-Beef Team deliver us the goods. I will eat my body weight in red meat if it means I can be a champion.
When he’s a-walkin’, Tellez struts his stuff and he’s so strung out after knowing The Muffin Man.