Eagles faithful one-ups Dr. Seuss in epic ode to ‘Forty-Whiners’

A Philly bard penned a hilarious poem roasting the 49ers — or, as he calls them, the Forty-Whiners — for their crybaby behavior after the NFC Championship game.

Gather ’round, NFL fans. It’s story time.

Not too long ago, two football giants, the Philadelphia Eagles and the San Francisco 49ers, came head to head in a pivotal playoff game to crown the kings of the NFC. The Eagles would beat the 49ers pretty handily, but afterward, San Francisco acted like the little boys who cried “Unfair!”

An Eagles beat writer, Jimmy Kempski, had some time this offseason to address the 49ers’ infantile complaints and wrote the following poem, titled “Oh, There’s No One To Throw: A Children’s Book About the San Francisco Forty-Whiners.”

Dr. Seuss would have been very, very proud.

For the sake of brevity, we’ve included only our favorite excerpts below.

"With their third QB, the season looked bleak,But the Niners went on a surprise winning streak.In the playoffs they handled Seattle and Dallas,And Purdy earned a nickname phallus."

Instead of counting fish or force-feeding someone green eggs and ham, Kempski wrote this poem a la Dr. Seuss describing the unfortunate end to the 49ers’ playoff aspirations. With Brock “Mr. Irrelevant” Purdy at the helm, the red-hot Niners “had swagger and moxie, and yes they were cocky/ They even styled t-shirts on the statue of Rocky.”

Eagles writer roasts 49ers for being whiners after NFC Championship game

Up against a deep Eagles squad, San Francisco would see Purdy go down due to injury and backup Josh Johnson go down due to a concussion. Bereft at the quarterback position, Philly won 31-7 in a game that admittedly tilted toward the Eagles’ favor.

"As play caller Shanny is *thought* to be skilled,But he has a bad habit of getting quarterbacks killed.Protecting the quarterback is NFL canon,Imagine getting out-coached by Jonathan Gannon."

Nice little jab there at ex-Philly coach Gannon.

Injuries happen. So… what? The 49ers want some kind of rematch because the first game wasn’t fair enough? That wasn’t happening. Several 49ers members grumbled to the league about the team’s unluckiness, and that’s all there is to it. Unluckiness.

The NFL ended up amending a rule that would allow teams to dress a third QB on game days without using an active roster spot in response to the 49ers’ complaints. San Francisco will always see the NFC Championship as a game they lost unfair and un-square, yet it’s hard to argue they were the superior team by far. Both the Eagles and 49ers entered the competition as conference heavyweights. One of them got bitten by a nasty injury bug. Such is the NFL postseason.

"It’s hard to believe what’s become of the these Niners,You simply got beat, you loser-ass whiners."

For the city of Philly, this poem is equivalent to gospel. It ought to be placed in the literary canon and on the shelves of all public libraries for baby Eaglets to learn and study so they can properly root against any and all NFC rivals when they’re old enough to attend a game.

Here’s a little poem on the poem in closing:

"Kempski’s poem was a tad mean, we’ll admit,It wasn’t very nice of him to rub in the spit.The 49ers get another shot to take down Philly this year,Just make sure they have an extra quarterback near."