What made baseball fun this week: Everybody wants you, Shohei Ohtani

If the Los Angeles Angels are selling off Shohei Ohtani, your favorite MLB team better be buying, baby!

Making sense of all the nonsense baseball gave us this week through pop culture references!

Everybody wants to rule the world. Too bad there’s no time for Tears for Fears. Shout, shout, let it all out. It’s a Mad World, you know, the kind where Bubble Boys see rabbits just walking around all willy-nilly ‘n sitch. That’s par for the course in the dawg days of summer, baby. The second half of the MLB season is upon us and everybody and their brother wants them some Shohei Ohtani.

To be fair, I haven’t seen people fawn over a supremely talented dude who never really won s**t since Cedric Diggory. Shockingly, that no-good stinkin’ badger convinced people that it was cool to be a Hufflepuff. It’s not, but I like the fact you like the fact that he’s emo Batman and the sexiest vampire of all time. Too bad Hey Look Pa, I Made It did not happen at Hogwarts. OHNOHEDIED!

The Only Difference Between Superstardom and Irrelevance is Press Coverage?! I suppose, sure, why the hell not? Regardless, I Want You To Want Me, Shohei. I need you to need my Atlanta Braves because if you went to the New York Mets that would suck more than Neville Longbottom in potions class. Like Seamus Finnigan, I’m all for blowing things up, but I don’t want to burn out.

Oh, I declare I don’t care no more. With hair more than shaggy in my eyes, I cannot wait to hit the streets tonight. I still haven’t been to a Braves game in person yet this season. While I would love to Joe Willy Namath guarantee a victory poolside, I can guarantee three things will happen: I will drink domestics, I will devour hot dogs and I will sweat. Hopefully, Ohtani will become an ATLien.

So what made baseball fun this week, Buhler?! Baseball was mostly about Ohtani and hot dogs.

The piping hot, delicious segments are going to go down so very smooth, bro

• Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
• But what about the fans???
• I don’t believe what I just saw!
• The Dude of the Week, man

Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: Are boneless wings wings? I don’t know, man. Are birds even real?

Just as things were finally starting to make sense in my life, what is this, what is this? Clearly, I want it all but I can’t have it. I have Faith No More in anything I once believed. Are birds real? Are wolverines real? Did we land on the moon? Is this a simulation or am I in the tank? All I know is that I don’t know nothing. The contrarian ass in me is going to have a field day with this, bruh!

Most important question of the day: Are boneless wings wings? Also, what is paint exactly, man?

To me, they’re saucy nugs, and you better believe I got the hamburger tie to show it. Okay, I lied. I don’t. I’m not even cool enough to have a hamburger phone. Life goals, to be honest. What I am in favor of is eating boneless wings because who wants spicy s**t in their eyes? I mean, I’d rather take a blast of cumin into mine if it meant I got to hang out with Vince Wilfork and devour ribs.

Public service announcement: Don’t yuck on other people’s yum. If you live that saucy nug life, you do you, man. If you like Wes Anderson movies, don’t ruin a perfectly good conversation someone else is having without you with “do you wanna hate me?” Actually, actually guy, I don’t need you to culture me. Richie and Margot Tenenbaum had a thing, so we are never inviting you into our tent!

I don’t particularly care if boneless wings are wings, just eat them damn saucy nugs and be happy!

I don’t believe what I just saw! | The Dude of the Week, man