In the Adam Sandler classic Big Daddy, Sandler's character Sonny Koufax adopts a kid to impress his ex-girlfriend and win her back, with predictable but hilarious results.
The Chicago Bears are Koufax, and Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson is the ex that they're trying to impress — the only problem is that Johnson is on a team with a five-year plan, and every time the Bears try to show off, someone eats 30 packets of ketchup, throws up on the floor, and covers it in newspaper.
If you're having trouble with the metaphor, just go with it (actually wait, that's another Sandler movie. I really need to stop). The point is that it is going to take a lot to convince Johnson to give up his plum gig as the mastermind behind one of the best offenses in the league to take over what has long been one of the most dysfunctional organizations in the NFL.
The Bears did their best to impress Johnson when the two teams met on Thanksgiving, and though he may have liked what he saw in the second half from Caleb Williams, who threw three touchdowns and no interceptions, he likely needed some turkey and stuffing to wipe the bad taste from his mouth when the Bears butchered the clock on their final drive.
The Bears will get one more chance before the offseason to put their best foot forward for the man that many view as their number one choice to be Matt Eberflus' successor, as they host the Lions on Sunday afternoon.
There hasn't been much to be impressed with in a while in Chicago, as the Bears have dropped eight straight games. Coaching has been the scapegoat for much of that freefall, as offensive coordinator Shane Waldron was fired after Week 10. Eberflus himself didn't survive much longer, and I imagine the two of them are laughing somewhere as the Bears have played even worse without them.
Now its Ryan Poles who's feeling the heat, but if the roster he put together can't show signs of life on Sunday, it could convince Johnson that he's better off either staying in Detroit or taking a different head coaching job altogether.
If the Bears really want Johnson to come aboard next year, here are three things they must do to convince him.
Start the game hot
I don't know what kind of coffee the Bears are drinking on Sunday morning, but they need to add a couple shots of espresso to it. The Bears are one of the worst first-quarter teams we've ever seen, and that's no way to make a good impression.
Like clockwork, every week the Bears come out flat and fall behind, but they need to flip the script on Sunday. The Bears are 4-10, a truly terrible record for a team that had so much optimism in the preseason. They're even worse when it comes to scoring first though, as they've only managed to do that once all year.
Dan Campbell is the Lions head coach, and he may be the best motivational speaker in the NFL. Even Bears fans want to run through a brick wall when they hear one of his speeches. Does Johnson have the ability to command a locker room like that? We don't really know, because Campbell is so special at it.
Johnson seems more like the lead-by-example cerebral type than the bite-someone's-kneecap type. That's fine, and it can work for some teams, but if he sees that the Bears can't get themselves up for the start of games, he may reasonably conclude that he won't be a good fit in Chicago.
Just once it would be great to see the Bears take the opening kickoff and march down the field. Sunday would be the perfect time to do it.
Stop committing penalties
The Bears have been a sloppy team in more ways than one, and Monday night's loss to the Vikings was proof. It seemed that every time the Bears had a chance to do something good, they shot themselves in the foot with a bad penalty. Rookie left tackle Kiran Amegadjie was flagged four times, and he was forced to have his nightmare play out on national television, as Vikings defensive end Jonathan Greenard used and abused him all night. Tyrique Stevenson compounded what has been a sophomore season to forget by committing a crucial pass interference in the end zone.
By the end of the night, the refs had enforced nine Bears penalties for 93 yards. That's no way to win, especially away from home, and it's a big reason why the Bears haven't won a road game in over a year.
The Bears have committed all kinds of penalties this year. It's impossible to play mistake-free football all the time, but for example, 21 times the Bears have been called for false starts. That should be easy to clean up, and it would tell Johnson that he'd be inheriting a team that's capable of learning from its past mistakes.
D'Andre Swift and Roschon Johnson need to look like the new Sonic and Knuckles
The Lions lost former Bear David Montgomery to a torn MCL against the Bills on Sunday, a brutal blow to one of the best backfields in the league. Jahmyr Gibbs and Montgomery have been truly great this year, and their combination of speed and power earned them the nickname of "Sonic and Knuckles."
Both Gibbs and Montgomery have excelled when handed or thrown the ball, and they've become the rare backfield duo to each have double-digit touchdowns. If the Bears want to entice Johnson, they need to show that they have a pair of backs that can be just as effective.
D'Andre Swift has had an up-and-down debut season with the Bears. He's hit some big plays, but Bears fans have also been frustrated as he's missed the opportunity to hit the hole and pick up some easy gains.
Roschon Johnson is in his second year, and the Bears liked what they saw from him enough that they relegated Khalil Herbert to the bench, eventually trading him to the Bengals for just a seventh-round pick. Johnson has missed close to three full games with a concussion that he suffered against the Lions on Thanksgiving, but he was a full practice participant on Wednesday, which indicated that he should be able to make his return on Sunday.
Ben Johnson is no fool. He would never put lamb and tuna fish together. He knows that Caleb Williams has all the tools to be a special quarterback, and I'm sure he's confident in his own ability to help Caleb achieve greatness. Johnson also surely sees DJ Moore and Rome Odunze as weapons he can build his offense around. Swift and Johnson may not be Gibbs and Montgomery, but they can be a close approximation. If they show out with a big game, it could prove to Johnson that the Bears have all the skill position talent they need to make his offense sing.