Naming 69 amazing college football rivalries that do not exist, but absolutely should

When the FanSided team was putting together ideas for college football Rivalry Week, it was an honor and a privilege to pitch a concept I have been writing for FanSided's flagship site for a very, very long time. I've developed a reputation for dumbing down the complicated — and occasionally driving the thing into the ditch. It is quite a unique skill set!

Naming an undetermined amount of rivalries that do not exist but should? They knew who to call. The Ghostbusters' phone was ringing off the hook, and Bill Murray's time is more valuable than mine, so here I am, doing everything I can. I love this dumb sport so much, so I gave this my all.

In the process of developing this list, I decided that each Power Four conference needed 10 games apiece. In each Power Four league, I made sure every team got a cool, new rivalry to celebrate or look forward to, I suppose. That got me to 40. I then decided the Group of Five needed a bit more love, so I gave them a very Spinal Tap 11. After that, 18 more inter-conference games got me to 69!

You love to see it! You are so incredibly welcome. I broke it down by league and its new rivalry games.

ACC

Here are 10 rivalries that would magically make the ACC way more captivating to watch and cover.

Academic Bowl (Duke vs. Stanford)

Duke and Stanford recruit the same type of players in the same league on the opposite sides of the country. Since they are both private institutions where the pen is usually mightier than the sword, I will give the nerds something to talk about. Behold! Something their student bodies would actually show up for. Get your buzzers and inhalers ready because The Academic Bowl is about to be off the hook!

Academic Bowl Trophy: The Beveled Buzzer, which is merely a souped-up Staples Easy button.

Bees' Knees (Georgia Tech vs. Miami)

Not the bees! Georgia Tech and Miami already hate each other from their days as annual foes in the old ACC Coastal. Despite being strong academic schools in the Southeastern United States, both teams are led by one of their former offensive linemen from the 1990s. Since Mario Cristobal hates taking knees to bees, how about calling this rivalry Bees' Knees to really put his head in a blender?

Bees' Knees Trophy: The Wicker Man. The winner shall burn a wicker man in the loser's effigy!

Cigarettes & Alcohol (Wake Forest vs. Louisville)

If only this game were played in Vice City... Instead, we must take advantage of Wake Forest being located in Winston-Salem and Louisville being ... in Louisville... While you could call this rivalry Alcohol & Cigarettes or Provo's Worst Nightmare, let's call it Cigarettes & Alcohol, just so we can get Oasis involved. Since Louisville knows how to pick 'em and Wake has few fans, let the Gallaghers save them.

Cigarettes & Alcohol Trophy: The Gallagher Brothers Ash Tray. (After all, it's their Wonderwall!)

Enter Trans Am (SMU vs. Virginia Tech)

I don't know if Eric Dickerson is a fan of overplayed thrash metal, but the lead back of Pony Express is for whom the bell tolls. Having been in the national consciousness for about as long as Metallica, exit light, enter drive, as we're off to Never-Neverland in a full restored Pontiac Trans Am. SMU is new to the league and has lots of money. Virginia Tech is not as new, but has a really cool intro song to toot!

Enter Trans Am Trophy: The Fuel that James Hetfield desired. (A car always needs GASOLINE!)

Freaks and Geeks (Louisville vs. Georgia Tech)

We got a school whose administrators literally told my retired engineer father that it hates having a football team. We have another school whose mascot is a bird with teeth. Freaks and Geeks is not only the name of Louisville's budding rivalry with Georgia Tech, but it was the name of a Judd Apatow classic before we got the point of his schtick. The whole point of this rivalry is to celebrate the weird!

Freaks and Geeks Trophy: Nick Andopolis' 29-Piece Drum Kit. (Neal Peart's mind is not for rent...)

Gerund Bowl (Clemson vs. Pittsburgh)

I had the hardest time naming this rivalry. Clemson developted the art of Clemson-ing. Pitt made it an art to Pitt whenever it is least advantageous to Pitt. So in between Clemson Clemson-ing and Pitt Pitt-ing, I reached a staunch academic conclusion. Aren't those both gerunds? I am more of a writer than a reader, and I had about as much use for a K-12 English class as pre-internet Dan Marino did.

Gerund Bowl Trophy: That long lost car Dan Marino once abandoned at a Pittsburgh intersection!

Never Retire (Florida State vs. Syracuse)

Florida State and Syracuse played each other annually in the old ACC Atlantic. The rivalry needs a nickname, so I stumbled upon how odd it was that Bobby Bowden was coaching the Seminoles until he was 80, and Jim Boeheim did the same thing for the Orange up until 78. I wish I could have called this rivalry Stockholm Syndrome or the Octogenarian Bowl. I settled on Never Retire because don't!

Never Retire Trophy: The AARP Card that Bobby Bowden refused to acknowledge was ever his

Not in This University! (Boston College vs. Georgia Tech)

Fact: Boston College is called Boston College. Other fact: Georgia Tech's full name is the Georgia Institute of Technology. As you can see with these two undeniable facts, there is no university to be had. Not in my house! More like, Not in This University! There is a special place in hell reserved for Well Actually Guy, and that place has Boston College vs. Georgia Tech playing on infinite loop at study hall.

Not in This University!: Bill O'Brien's Golden Hall Pass. (He leads BC and worked at Georgia Tech.)

Survive and Advance or Don't! (North Carolina State vs. Virginia)

Their states may share a border, but you rarely think about North Carolina State playing Virginia very much in ACC play. They were in opposite divisions back when that was a thing. While I wanted to make this rivalry all about Dave Matthews Band for some reason, I decided to honor Jim Valvano and Tony Bennett by calling this Survive and Advance for Jimmy V, adding or Don't to troll Bennett's pace.

Survive and Advance or Don't Trophy: Jimmy V's Stop Watch (How much time could Bennett possibly waste? His UVA offense had the pace of a sundial!)

Tightwad Spitwad (California vs. North Carolina)

The other side of the coin of Duke-Stanford would have to be California-North Carolina. Both are prestigious Public Ivies on opposite sides of the country, but in the same conference. Good luck getting there, or getting in there! As far as a nickname, I thought of nerds and hills. Since Tightwad Hill is funnier than Chapel Hill, chew up some loose leaf paper and get ready for that Tightwad Spitwad!

Tightwad Spitwad Trophy: Billie Joe Armstrong's well-taken-care-of convertible from the Green Day music video for Holiday

For more Rivalry Week content, check out FanSided's Ultimate Guide to College Football Rivalries, an in-depth and interactive look at the deep traditions, rich history, iconic venues and memorable moments of college football's biggest rivalries.

Big Ten

The Big Ten already has so many dumb rivalries and even dumber trophies, so why not add 10 more?

All Braun & No Brains (Northwestern vs. Ohio State)

All Braun and no brains and all those nice things have finally gotten us to what we need to call Northwestern's rivalry with Ohio State. You go to one for journalism. You go to the other for football. While the sword is mightier than the pen when you don't go no ink, bruh, one thing that jocks and nerds can come together over is shaving their faces. Not all, but some. They have that in common!

All Braun & No Brains: David Braun's Razor. Trust me. You don't want anything A.J. Hawk's mangled fingers have touched...

Apparel Bowl (Oregon vs. Maryland)

Win or lose, you're getting some gear. At the schools best known for putting out Nike and Under Armour to the world, we cannot wait for the goody bags we are sure to get whenever Oregon plays Maryland. We must protect this house. Just do it. It's not that hard ... unless you're Maryland. Leave it up to the Terrapins to turtle up vs. a bunch of ducks. Young impressionables will love this rivalry game!

Apparel Bowl Trophy: Steve Prefontaine's Sock, which is nicer than Ray Lewis' Deer Antler Spray

Bed of Roses (Michigan vs. USC)

In between telling each other how awesome they are, we will have a college rivalry that will feature good play, but even better ratings. FOX is doing cartwheels in the streets ahead of this low-scoring game that almost got the numbers of an ESPN product. Wendy's was impressed, too. It will be no bed of roses in for the Bed of Roses for anyone who doesn't root for Michigan or USC across the universe.

Bed of Roses Trophy: A Bed of Rose ... Seeds because Lincoln Riley forgot to plant them last year

Champaign for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends (Illinois vs. USC)

I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating what Lincoln Riley has done to this USC program. While Bret Bielema sleeps on your porch again dreaming of winning a Big Ten championship, we don't we just drop dead after laughing at the fact that whenever the Fighting Illini play the Trojans again it will be called Champaign for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends.

Champaign for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends Trophy: Pete Wentz's Wedding Ring from when he was briefly married to Ashlee Simpson. (Pieces of Pete...)

Cornucopia (Iowa vs. Nebraska)

I have been calling this rivalry Cornucopia for years. Iowa typically plays Nebraska on Black Friday to end their Big Ten season's annually. Since it occurs right around Thanksgiving, occurring in the land of corn, what else could you conceivably call this game? Yes, they could hand out an antiquated cornucopia predating both university's statehoods, but let's play for something way funnier instead!

Cornucopia Trophy: Your team gets to take care of poor Brian Ferentz for the next calendar year!

H to the Izzo, V to the Edey (Michigan State vs. Purdue)

Not guilty, y'all got to feel me. When I was looking at pairing these two good football programs with that have even greater men's basketball programs, I thought about Tom Izzo, and then later, Zach Edey. Izzo is the last Big Ten head coach to win a national championship on the hardwood. Edey helped Purdue get to one last year. Jay-Z may have wanted no part of this, but that is just too bad...

H to the Izzo, V to the Edey Trophy: The Blueprint: Jay-Z's, Tom Izzo's, Matt Painter's, it doesn't matter...

Ma, I Forgot to Take Out the Trash! (Minnesota vs. Rutgers)

This is a reference to an album by the iconic 1980s alternative rock from Minneapolis called The Replacements, as well as how Tony Soprano allegedly made his living. From taking out the trash, to waste management, can we please find Alex Chilton's stash stashed in the trash by St. Mark's Place? I'm in love with this newfound Big Ten rivalry. What's that song, Tony? It would be Don't Stop Believin'!

Ma, I Forgot to Take Out the Trash Trophy: The Tony Soprano-Paul Westerberg Red Receptacle

Rain on the Scarecrow (Indiana vs. Washington)

Indiana and Washington have a lot more in common than merely being in the same conference now. They are home to iconic rock n' rollers. John Mellencamp hails from Indiana, while several bands helped define the Seattle Sound, such as Soundgarden. With Rain on the Scarecrow, there may be blood on the plow, so let the Black Hole Sun was away the rain in this sonic college football rivarly.

Rain on the Scarecrow Trophy: One of John Mellencamp's Famous Chili Dogs being served to you while sitting inside of Chris Cornell's Rusty Cage

Somethin' Bruin (UCLA vs. Wisconsin)

Beer is a part of life in Wisconsin. UCLA has a football team. Are they up to something? I don't know what the Bruins are brewing, but they're brewing something, alright. Somethin' Bruin is the perfect name for a new Big Ten rivalry we didn't know we needed. The football will occasionally be more than good, but the vibes will always be high. Win or lose, we still booze in the game called Somethin' Bruin.

Somethin' Bruin Trophy: The Sissy Blue Shirt Jug. Coach O wants it, but he can never have it!

You Don't Live in Cleveland! (Michigan vs. Penn State)

If Michigan vs. Penn State already had a rivalry nickname, I don't really care. I know that both Big Ten schools used to play in the same division, and that they both don't care for Ohio State. It may have been self-inflicted Ohio hate when the late Cincinnati Bengals head coach Sam Wyche screamed at Who Dey Nation to stop throwing snowballs because, "You Don't Live in Cleveland!" That was so cool!

You Don't Live in Cleveland! Trophy: Sam Wyche's Microphone, so you can make damn sure that everyone within earshot knows you are definitely NOT from Ohio!

Big 12

The Big 12 gained eight new members in the last two seasons, so yes, it will need some new rivalries!

Bowl of Chili Con Queso (Cincinnati vs. Texas Tech)

This isn't some South Park chili cook-off set up to make Scott Tenorman cry in front of his favorite band, Radiohead. This is all about two delicious food items coming together for a good time in Big 12 play. Yes, the Bowl of Chili Con Queso features the cinnamon-y carnivorous meats of Cincinnati's Skyline chili, combining with the constantly airborne tortillas commonplace with Texas Tech football.

Bowl of Chili Con Queso Trophy: Self-explanatory, but the winning coach gets a vat of Skyline Chili poured atop his head (at room temperature, of course) and then gets pelted with tortillas!

Carry On Like Baylor, Son! (Kansas vs. Baylor)

Will there be peace when you are done watching this Big 12 game between the Bears and the Jayhawks? Look. Just because it is not your favorite game doesn't mean you don't consume it. Someone in your family has a copy of The Best of Kansas on some auditory medium out there. So let's rise above the noise and confusion, Kansas, to Carry On Like Baylor, Son! Don't you cry no more!

Carry On Like Baylor, Son! Trophy: Rich Williams' Glass Eye that he no longer uses, as he is Team Eyepatch forever now!

Everyone a Wildcat (Arizona vs. Kansas State)

When an EMAW storm brewing in Aggieville blows into Tucson from Manhattan like an unexpected tumbleweed, or a discarded beer can, to be totally honest with you, Every Man a Wildcat evolves into Everyone a Wildcat. Arizona and Kansas State are still trying to figure out how to get the proper licensing to have Thundercats sponsor this game, but in the meantime, they are all still Wildcats!

Everyone a Wildcat Trophy: Winner gets to "decorate" other team's mascot head before giving it back. Willie and Wilbur are not going to like seeing the artistic endeavors of football players...

Imaginary Menagerie (Kansas vs. TCU)

Biology is not my strong suit, but Jayhawks are definitely not real, like birds, and I have never met anyone who has come face to face with a horned frog in their life. If Tennessee Williams can write The Glass Menagerie, then I can come up with a rivalry game involving Kansas and TCU called the Imaginary Menagerie. It is basically a zoo, but in your head. It is a ton of fun, but so incredibly messy...

Imaginary Menagerie: Since Jayhawks aren't real, and I have never seen a Horned Frog, how about Gary Patterson playing a song on guitar or Les Miles leaving you a message on Cameo?

Moonshine Twister (West Virginia vs. Iowa State)

Sound the tornado sirens in Ames, as couches will be burned in Morgantown! Iowa State and West Virginia have been conference foes for over a decade now. Two of the bigger party schools in the Big 12 need to come together for the best decision you and your 20-something self came up with walking home from the bars after 2:00 a.m. Let's burn a couch soaked in moonshine ... just because!

Moonshine Twister Trophy: The winner gets to soak a predetermined Morgantown couch in moonshine before lighting it on fire at the 50-yard line! The loser cleans it up before they leave.

Move Along (Baylor vs. Oklahoma State)

David Koresh made Waco infamous. Carlton Dotson didn't help with that either. While Stillwater is best known for being home to Oklahoma State, it is also the birthplace of All-American Rejects. I'll keep you my dirty little secret, if you don't tell anyone, or it will be just another regret. Who has to know when all you got to keep is strong, Move Along, Move Along, like I know you would do here.

Move Along Trophy: Tyson Ritter's Bass. Mostly because Mike Gundy and Kim Mulkey would not cooperate. We really wanted a frilly pants suit or Remington "Gator" Gundy the Tortoise instead

Open House (BYU vs. Houston)

If you cannot find a Cougar in the wild, I would suggest an Open House. The panini sandwiches will help you get a few nibbles, but not enough to sell The Ferrigno Estate. Peter Klaven and Sydney Fife became best friends forever at one of these Open Houses for presumably Cougars in I Love You, Man. Houston isn't Los Angeles, and most certainly not Provo. But if BYU plays Houston, I'll allow it!

Open House Trophy: The Lou Ferrigno Statue. Paul Rudd and Jason Segel present it every time.

Runnin' Shoot (Utah vs. Oklahoma State)

The Utah men's basketball team used to be known as the Runnin' Utes. Obviously, the Oklahoma State Cowboys love to play in shootouts with Pistol Pete. Run and Shoot is an antiquated offensive philosophy, but it is perfect for what this game between Utah and Oklahoma State should be all about. Whether it be a shootout or a rock fight, projectiles will be thrown throughout the contest!

Runnin' Shoot Trophy: The Bogut-Cunningham Orb. It's really just a basketball, and they will pass it to you, for a small fee or a contribution to their charity you had no idea even existed. (A racket!)

Space Race (Houston vs. UCF)

While so many college football teams claim space for themselves, I am going to let Houston and UCF duke it out annually in Space Race. They launch rockets in Cape Canaveral and Houston tells them what's up from the command center. This game may feature Cougars and Knights, but it is all about rockets, man. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till touchdown brings me 'round again to find...

Space Race Trophy: Dan Truman's Metal Brace. Because like Billy Bob Thornton in Armageddon, we dreamed of being an astronaut at some point in our lives. It was just his job, five days a week.

The Pre-Game (Arizona State vs. Colorado)

This is my favorite new college football rivalry that needs to happen annually, forever going forward. Arizona State is a party school. Colorado is a school where your head is often in the clouds. Tempe and Boulder are so much fun you often forget football is going on. That is why if you cannot win the game itself, you better win The Pre-Game. This is how apathy can build enemies, one party at a time....

The Pre-Game Trophy: The Bakhtiari-Plummer Bowl. You can drink out of it, smoke out of it, grow mushrooms out of it, as Joel Klatt remains in utter shambles. Brendan Schaub, where you at?

SEC

You didn't think I was possibly going to leave the SEC out of the equation? Oh, this is going to be fun!

Bulldog, Bulldog! (Georgia vs. Mississippi State)

In the land of Cougars, Eagles, Panthers and Wildcats, nothing compares to fierce and fiery nature of Bulldog, Bulldog! Despite playing in the same conference longer than anyone reading this has been alive, the fact we don't have a rivalry name for every time Georgia plays Mississippi State disturbs me. Don't overthink it. It is simply Bulldog, Bulldog! because what on else on Earth could it possibly be?

Bulldog, Bulldog Trophy: The Bronzed Bulldog. It weighs more than the Heisman Trophy. Georgia keeps forgetting how heavy this thing is, while Mississippi State cannot relate to them over this.

Chili's Southwestern Egg Roll Bowl sponsored by Bass Pro Shops (Arkansas vs. Mississippi State)

Arkansas and Mississippi State played annually in the same division ever since the Hogs joined the SEC in 1992. Since this game needs some more spice, let's call it the Chili's Southwestern Egg Roll Bowl sponsored by Bass Pro Shops. Play it in the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid in Memphis annually. Southwest is Arkansas' old league. Egg is for the Egg Bowl. Chili's, well, it is a great chain restaurant.

Chili's Southwestern Egg Roll Bowl sponsored by Bass Pro Shops Trophy: The winner gets to test out some brand-new speedboats in the flooded out basement of the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid!

Close Encounters of The Tiger Bowl Kind (LSU vs. Missouri)

We know about the Tiger Bowl between Auburn and LSU. With Missouri joining the SEC over a decade ago, we need to account for a third Tiger team in the league. Since we do not need Tiger Bowls I, II, and III, how about Close Encounters of the Tiger Bowl Kind for LSU and Missouri? It is part football game, part petting zoo, and 100 percent a good time. Omar Bradley lives for this game, bro!

Close Encounters of The Tigers Bowl Kind Trophy: Omar Bradley is coming to your city!

Extra Mustard (Ole Miss vs. Tennessee)

Sure, you could call Ole Miss vs. Tennessee the Kiffin Bowl or the Manning Bowl if you like. To add a little extra flavor to this border war we never talk about, how about calling it Extra Mustard to really get people fired up? Mustard is one of the best condiments on Earth. Ole Miss likes to tailgate and Tennessee orange looks like processed cheese. Thankfully, the rivalry game never becomes garbage.

Extra Mustard Trophy: The same bottle of French's mustard a Tennessee fan threw at Lane Kiffin!

I Wanna Be On TV (Georgia vs. Oklahoma)

Back in the day, Georgia and Oklahoma sued the NCAA for not putting the Dawgs or the Sooners on TV enough. They had a point. 1980s Georgia and Oklahoma were great runs for their programs, but had to deal with the fact they played in the Southeast and Southeast-adjacent. They wanted to be on TV, so let's call this budding SEC rivalry I Wanna Be On TV. Every game is now, but that's not the point!

I Wanna Be On TV Trophy: Barry Switzer's Technicolor Television: It looks exactly how it sounds!

Orange Is NOT the New Black (Kentucky vs. Vanderbilt)

Kentucky and Vanderbilt play each other all the time. Besides proximity and not having the best winning traditions on the football field, what do the Wildcats and Commodores have in common? They hate Tennessee! Orange Is NOT the New Black. It is a color that represents everything Kentucky and Vanderbilt do not stand for. They would rather do life in prison than ever don that bumbling hue.

Orange Is NOT the New Black Trophy: Peyton Manning, the Adult Version of Caillou dressed like he is doing time for false advertising, pandering, dominating every conversation and tax evasion.

Sliced Bread (Alabama vs. Texas A&M)

It was the beginning of the end, or was it the beginning of something beautiful? Jimbo Fisher used to work for Nick Saban before they ended up coaching against each other in the SEC. Fisher was out at Texas A&M after last season. Fate would have it, Saban retired from the coaching profession after Alabama's College Football Playoff run. It all goes back to Sliced Bread from Bro Bible, now doesn't it?

Sliced Bread Trophy: Bro's Bible. This is only because we couldn't legally take money out of Jimbo Fisher's bank account...

The Battle of Los Angeles (Ole Miss vs. Texas)

Lane Kiffin and Steve Sarkisian have different ways of Raging Against the Machine. Come with it now to The Battle of Los Angeles, being played on an SEC tarmac near you! Ole Miss vs. Texas should be an ever-present reminder of what USC is missing. Yes, both Kiffin and Sarkisian deserved to be fired, but they are doing a far better job coaching in their more difficult conference than poor Lincoln Riley.

The Battle of Los Angeles Trophy: Tom Morello's Foot Pedal. Without it, he is a regular guitarist...

The Other Tiger Bowl (Auburn vs. Missouri)

Since I did this in somewhat alphabetical order, I had the third Tiger Bowl game between Missouri and LSU listed before The Other Tiger Bowl between Auburn and Missouri. While Close Encounters of the Tiger Bowl Kind just kind of works for that other one, we don't need to overthink this. I wanted to call it Tiger Bowl, Part Deux, but that is French and the Bayou Bengals would have been apoplectic over it.

The Other Tiger Bowl Trophy: Joe Exotic will throw you a pizza party once he gets out of prison!

Visor Advisory (Florida vs. South Carolina)

Steve, this isn't an Arby's. Ain't neither one of us mad at Jadeveon. Ain't neither one of us... For the boring, this game between Florida and South Carolina could have been called the Spurrier Bowl since the Head Ball Coach coached both of them better than anyone else up to this point. Besides hating Florida State, Georgia and Tennessee, Steve Spurrier loved to throw his visor down in pure frustration.

Visor Advisory Trophy: Head Ball Coach's Head Set. We wanted the visor but it wasn't happening.

Group of Five

These next 11 gotta-have-it college football rivalries are reserved for the Group of Five, so get ready!

Ball Me, Blazer (Ball State vs. UAB)

Peek-a-boo! Look at how this Group of Five game just snuck up on you. While the losing teams of this rivalry game does not need to blame Chuck Norris for coming up short, you are more than welcome to eat your body weight in junk food goodness watching Ball Me, Blazer between Ball State and UAB. The best way to consume this game is to eat enough red meat and chocolate until you go comatose.

Ball Me, Blazer Trophy: All the treasure Peter LaFleur was going to share with Steve the Pirate

Bull in the Ring (South Florida vs. Florida International)

I know you want me to tell you why I picked this game. You know I want you to get really into Bull in the Ring because not only does it feature South Florida, but it also features Florida International playing at Pitbull Stadium. This game is more about fist pumping and not scoring points than anything. Alex Golesh could not get out of Dodge faster, as the glowsticks hit his face like heavy Floridian raindrops.

Bull in the Ring Trophy: Pitbull's Red Cape (Dale!) (Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro) (I know you want one!)

Danger Zone (Air Force vs. Navy)

What people forget about Top Gun is it wasn't about the Air Force at all. It was about the Navy, baby. If this film was not the first time you thought to yourself that Tom Cruise may in fact be a weird, little man, you can always take a look back at it whilst flexing your arm to check your wristwatch. Air Force vs. Navy is the Highway to the Danger Zone. Kenny Loggins sings the national anthem at every game.

Danger Zone Trophy: Pete "Maverick" Mitchell's Helmet. (Sadly, we could not locate Goose's...)

Fleet Week (Navy vs. UAB)

When Cody Williams and I had Adam Weinrib on False Start during last football season, he picked Navy and UAB as his Antonio Banderas Bowl of the Week. He said nothing gets New Yorkers fired up than a Midshipmen in a Blazer for Fleet Week. It is a game entrenched in traditions more ridiculous than the New York Yankees' antiquated facial hair policy. I will never be allowed to wear the pinstripes.

Fleet Week Trophy: The Midshipmen's Blazer. Adam Weinrib will be the one to do the measuring

Helton Skelter (Georgia Southern vs. Western Kentucky)

Clay and Tyson are doing fine all the time, or they are doing right now. There are no Todds to be had in Helton Skelter. This game will change wherever brothers Clay and Tyson Helton coach at. This is Clay's second college program, while Tyson is having the time of his life in Bowling Green, Kentucky like he fronts Cage the Elephant or something. Ain't no rest for the wicked in this rivalry game, folks.

Helton Skelter Trophy: The Beatles' White Album on vinyl, but a 3-year-old found some markers

Late Night Comedy (Ball State vs. UNLV)

The best way to spice up a Group of Five rivalry that doesn't exist between Ball State and UNLV would be Jimmy Kimmel making prerecorded jokes about it from a sound stage somewhere near Burbank. Yes, Kimmel owns an honorary degree from UNLV. And yes, David Letterman is a distinguished alum from Ball State. The funniest part about Late Night Comedy is the early kickoffs neither team wants.

Late Night Comedy Trophy: Jimmy Kimmel's Letterman's Jacket. (A heavily bearded David will be there to place it on the winning coach. It is like the saddest version of the Butler Cabin...)

Parliament Puntadelic (Kennesaw State vs. Temple)

Fact: A group of owls is called a parliament. Another fact: Kennesaw State and Temple are not good football teams right now. Since nothing brings Atlanta and Philadelphia together quite like hating the Mets, and each other, I bring to you something so incredibly funky fresh. That would be Parliament Puntadelic. Owls, punting, souls, trolls and of course ... THE FUNK. It's all about the funk, D.J. Qualls.

Parliament Puntadelic: An owl troll doll designed to be in George Clinton's name, image and likeness

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' (Marshall vs. Buffalo)

Turn your red fitted MLB ballcap around. This is the Air Raid Vehicle Fred Durst was all about at the turn of the century. Marshall's mascot is the Thundering Herd ... so Buffalo! Buffalo's mascot is a bull, but also .. Buffalo! With so much bovined beefdom going on on one football field, we're Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' in this one. DJ Lethal, Sam Rivers, John Otto and even Wes Borland weren't ready for it.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' Trophy: Fred Durst's Air Raid Vehicle. To ride in said Air Raid Vehicle you must wear either a backwards MLB cap or a pair of Wes Borland's blacked out lens. Not both.

Save a Cowboy, Ride a Horse! (Boise State vs. Western Michigan)

I don't know if I want to be stuck in 2004 again, but instead of saving horses and riding cowboys, we're going to do what the good lord intended when Boise State meets Western Michigan on either the blue or Kalamazoo turf. With a bunch of bucking broncos, let's Save a Cowboy and Ride a Horse! Like the name suggests, the idea of this rivarly game was better in my head than it was writing the prompt.

Save a Cowboy, Ride a Horse! Trophy: A Hundred Dollar Bill handed out by Big & Rich to every member of the winning team (A Hundred Dollar handshake I can get behind!)

Somos Lobos Locos! (New Mexico vs. Nevada)

We. Are. Crazy. Wolves! That is what is at stake when New Mexico takes on their wild dog brethren Nevada in this extra special conference game in the Mountain West. Lobos is Spanish for wolves. A Wolf Pack is a group of wolves. What could possibly go wrong in this one? If this matchup ever becomes the Mountain West Championship Game ... and out come the wolves. Let them loose, bruh!

Somos Lobos Locos! Trophy: A payphone from Caesar's Palace that Alan Garner's One Man Wolfpack ended up with after celebrating his brother-in-law's bachelor party in Las Vegas!

Yorn 'N Mine (Charlotte vs. UTEP)

What's mine is yorn, and yorn is mine. How you? Over chonder, there's gold in them thar hills ... or at the very least copper at the bottom of that green pit of goo. No, your skin is not going to fall off playing in Yorn 'N Mine but wouldn't that make Charlotte vs. UTEP even more enticing? We can only hope that pick axes are used in place of first down markers. The Sun Bowl will look like a golf course!

Yorn 'N Mine Trophy: A copper penny (The most value and attention ever paid to either team...)

Interconference

Here are 18 more college football rivalries that exist outside of the Power Four and Group of Five!

All About The U (Utah vs. Miami)

Goolius Boozler, eat your heart out. At Miami, it is all about The U. At Utah, it is all about the U as well. So what choice to do we have in the matter than to settle it on the football field, one quarter at a time. All About The U will be all about getting the W at the end of the day. After all, two Us is not just UU, but a W. Think about it. Isn't your mind blown into a million pieces? You will be after watching this game, U.

All About The U Trophy: The U: They play for a U, one that is half Miami and the other half Utah

Brigham & Boilermakers (BYU vs. Purdue)

If would have called this rivalry game Breakfast at Tiffany's, but I don't even know if BYU and Purdue have that in common. Audrey Hepburn has no time for this game for obvious reasons, so by the power vested in Deep Blue Something, gimme some Brigham & Boilermakers! For those who like to drink, and for those who do not, we salute you with this rivalry that echoes Sunday Night Football.

Brigham & Boilermakers Trophy: The Avril-Van Noy Pint & Shot Glass. You can drink water or whatever out of them. The point is you get two incredibly important drinking vessels with a win

Coca-Cola Cult Classic (Clemson vs. Texas A&M)

Maybe you've been brainwashed, too? We all have in this wonderful sport based on tribalism called college football. But when it comes to the Coca-Cola Cult Classic, give me two southeastern teams steeped in tradition, for good, bad and ugly. There is no portal into another dimension inside of a bonfire, just like there is no transfer portal into little ole Clemson, as Dabo says, "Not in my backyard!"

Coca-Cola Cult Classic Trophy: Asa G. Candler Jr.'s secret stash of Coca-Cola from the Briarcliff Hotel (This is in my neighborhood and a bit more frightening than Hawkins Lab just up the road...)

David Bowie's Rebel Rebowl (Ole Miss vs. UNLV)

David Bowie was a man who quite literally wore many hats. At one point in time, he was face to face with the man who sold the world. So instead of gazing at some dead dude on the stairs of something, why not watch something far better called the Rebel Rebowl? Let's dance under some super serious moonlight to some Ole Miss vs. UNLV either in Oxford or Las Vegas on an alternating basis. Changes!

David Bowie's Rebel Rebowl Trophy: A torn dress and makeup's mess because one of Ziggy Stardust's Spiders from Mars got loose and ruined everything. The spider was under pressure!

Free Shoes, No Shirt, No Service (Florida State vs. Oklahoma State)

This newfound rivalry game isn't a day at the beach, nor is it a day at the lake, nor is it a day at your local shopping mall. With Free Shoes, No Shirt, No Service, you get to be transported back in time whenever the Florida State Seminoles take on the Oklahoma State Cowboys on the football field. These teams have more in common than you would think, especially regarding articles of clothing.

Free Shoes, No Shirt, No Service Trophy: The Coles-Warrick Dillard's Bag (Again, Mike Gundy would not comply...)

Good Knight (Army vs. UCF)

I have one request when it comes to this rivalry game that does not exist but needs to between Army and UCF. Can kickoff be at 11:59 p.m. ET and sponsored by Excedrin PM? I want to fall asleep watching two Knight-based teams play some kind of Power Five football of sorts. I don't know what to make of it, other than I will be lucid dreaming in the third quarter when Army throws a forward pass.

Good Knight Trophy: The Go Sleepy Knight Pillow. (Plenty of Z's will help you get more degrees!)

Headgear & Picks (Indiana vs. Louisville)

This could have been called the Corso Bowl, but LC is not that vain. The best thing to happen to Saturday mornings for multiple generations needs to be honored with a rivalry game featuring the two teams he most notably led in Indiana and Louisville, as well as a headgear trophy depicted in his name, image and likeness. While you can pick either team in this game, there shall be interceptions!

Headgear & Picks Trophy: The Lee Corso Head. (Gimme that head!)

Imitation Bowl (Iowa vs. Kansas State)

Iowa is the Imitation Steelers. The Hawkeyes copied everything about the Pittsburgh Steelers' look in shameless fashion. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but failure's not flattering. Kansas State was once led by a Hayden Fry disciple in Bill Snyder, who copied the Tigerhawk logo with the equally iconic K-State Powercat logo. The Imitation Bowl is one full of imitation crab and offensive ineptitude.

Imitation Bowl Trophy: You get the highest and most distinct honor of having the impressionable Dylan Raiola transfer to your school!

JT Daniels' Last Stands (Rice vs. West Virginia)

At one point in time, JT Daniels was projected to be the No. 1 overall pick in the 2022 NFL Draft after emerging as the starting quarterback of note at Georgia. Well, he got hurt, Stetson Bennett IV became The Mailman, and Daniels transferred to West Virginia with mood rings, turtlenecks and all. He was not good at WVU and was even worse at Rice during his last two stands as a college player.

JT Daniels' Last Stands Trophy: A signed copy of JT Daniels' infamous Georgia composite photo.

Redneck Family Vacation (Coastal Carolina vs. UCF)

Roll up them meat sleeves to show the world what you're working with, son. With your matching tribal armband tattoo dedicated to your second ex-wife named Tammy, you make your way to the Redneck Family Vacation between Coastal Carolina and UCF. We must stop at Wings first before Camping World Stadium. Arriving on a Gator, you will see the stuff Jeff Foxworthy could only ever dream about.

Redneck Family Vacation Trophy: Kenny F*****g Powers' Jet-Ski. (Afterwards, we're going to Shabooms!)

Riley's Destroyed Us or Not (Oklahoma vs. USC)

The only thing Oklahoma and USC fans can agree on is how much worse off they are for having Lincoln Riley in their lives. Riley burnt Boomer Sooner Nation more than his Easter Sunday brisket. Angelenos would rather do anything else than watch Riley coach the Trojans into the ground in-person. In Riley's Destroyed Us or Not, you can try to go to a museum to distract you from the PAIN!!!

Riley's Destroyed Us or Not Trophy: Lincoln's expired ticket to a museum of musings, oddities and other distractions to make you forget what he did to Oklahoma and what he is doing to USC.

Strife Aquatic (Oregon vs. Oregon State)

What is so Civil about War anyway? What we've got here is a failure to communicate, as I really wanted the rebranded rivalry between Oregon and Oregon State to play for Slash's top hat or something. Instead, the Strife Aquatic plays for something far better than those red hats Bill Murray and Willem Dafoe once donned in Steve Zissou. Eugene Levy will show up to do anything anyway...

Strife Aquatic Trophy: Schitt's Creek Paddle (The paddle you wish you had while up Schitt's Creek)

The Catalina Wine Mixer (Oregon State vs. Washington State)

Por ti volare. For all the Boats 'N Hoes out there, there are not enough nachos and Lemonheads to keep you and I and Prestige Worldwide down. Yes, the Pacific Northwest Step Brothers of Oregon State and Washington State have lathered themselves up in fancy sauce for The F*****g Catalina Wine Mixer! No copters were sold, but that winky witch lady from that show I didn't watch is there!

The Catalina Wine Mixer Trophy: The Gilded Lady, which is a boat treehouse in Dr. Robert Doback's backyard (Crossbows, Hustlers and Chewbacca masks are available upon request.)

Three Yards and a Cloud of Punt (Iowa vs. Kentucky)

The namesake for False Start's Saturday night reaction show! With Three Yards and a Could of Punt, you can see carbon copies of each other in Iowa and Kentucky play essentially Martyball against each other. With run, run, pass, punt, you will know exactly what will hit, but you won't know what will hit you after watching this game. All I know is that it will get you fired after a 14-2 season in the NFL.

Three Yards and a Cloud of Punt Trophy: Hayden Fry's Sunglasses. This is to keep the cloud of punt out of your eyes, while looking ultra intimidating like a villain from a movie set in the 1980s.

Throw the Book at 'Em (BYU vs. Notre Dame)

Because Mormons vs. Catholics is stupid, I've got a better name for this religiously football rivalry we need to see between BYU and Notre Dame. It is not the Holy War, or even Holy Smokes! Let's call it Throw the Book at 'Em! This game is all about playing in the name of something much greater than yourselves. There will be no names on the back of anyone's jerseys, just Ian Book to show us the light.

Throw the Book at 'Em Trophy: Ian Book's Book. It doesn't matter what it is, just throw it better than he did for the Golden Domers.

Tua, I'm Not Goin' to Hawaii, So Quit Askin'! (Alabama vs. Hawaii)

With his Miami Dolphins helmet fastened on backwards, Tua Tagovailoa will once again try to convince his former Alabama head coach Nick Saban that he really needs to go to Hawaii. "Tua, I'm not goin' to Hawaii, so quit askin'". Blessed with the same underaged Wonderlic score of Dan Marino, with their powers combined, all three man have the innate ability to make those poor Dolphins cry...

Tua, I'm Not Goin' to Hawaii, So Quit Askin'! Trophy: Nick Saban's Crimson Lei he never wanted

Would You Like Fries With That? (Michigan vs. Tennessee)

This game is greasier than the burgers Jim Harbaugh allegedly paid for at The Brown Jug in Ann Arbor. It is only to be outdone by the McDonald's bags full of Jimmy Haslam's cash that he didn't give to Nico Iamaleava, but to a man who doesn't know what asparagus is. What is that? That is Jeremy Pruitt wearing a handkerchief like a bonnet over his head as a doofus. "Would you like fries with that?"

Would You Like Fries With That? Trophy: The Jeremy Pruitt McDonald's Bag. Full of money, nope!

You Bettor, You Better, You Bet (Michigan vs. Iowa State)

Under Matt Campbell, many Iowa State cyclones like to bet more on games than Cousin Sal. Under Sherrone Moore under Jim Harbaugh, Michigan players liked to tweet "bet". Who are you? I can't explain. I think it's dumb. I'll try to say it to you, but I'm not Big Blue. In You Bettor, You Better, You Bet, there is more action going on this game, boss, than Marshawn Lynch commandeering a golf cart.

You Bettor, You Better, You Bet Trophy: Charlie Bucket's Golden Ticket (I've got a golden bet slip!)