Spring training games do not matter, unless they happen to matter more than anything on Earth that has ever happened. Once in a blue moon, a mess of a box score catches your eye and makes you wish you had 3.5 hours to kill on a workday and could just sit, slack-jawed, staring at the runners trotting around the sun-baked base paths. Phillies vs. Red Sox in Fort Myers on Tuesday was one such occasion.
In the grand scheme of things, this sloppy monstrosity will likely be lost to history (unless Lucas Giolito's unfortunate hamstring issue lingers). But preserving these kinds of games in amber is our civic duty, and the box score is practically oozing big, red exclamation points. Allow us to break down the wild, unsightly, and catastrophic numbers the leapt off the page. Call me Jayson Snark.
Wildest numbers from Tuesday's Red Sox vs. Phillies spring training disaster
The Phillies Scored 18 Runs, and Still Left With Offensive Question Marks
Because they only recorded 13 hits! Luckily, six of them came from players you can count on to participate in most Phillies lineups (Bryson Stott, Alec Bohm, Brandon Marsh, Johan Rojas). The reason this "offensive explosion" came with so many caveats was...
Red Sox Pitching Walked 16 Phillies Batters
Stott opened the game with a walk, and Marsh followed two batters later to help load the bases with no outs. Giolito deceptively wriggled out of that jam with a pair of sacrifice flies, masking the blood sacrifice that was about to unfold. Because...
This Was Not Adam Ottavino's Day
Otto might need to get blotto after this one. The veteran reliever once boasted that he could strike out Babe Ruth by slinging his magnificent slider, but Ruth would've had no issue staring at today's offerings as they bounced in the other batter's box.
Ottavino walked the first three batters he faced, uncorking a wild pitch to push a run across (he'd hurl a second one momentarily). He exited after Alec Bohm's double, at which point the score was 7-0 and his ERA was 23.14. Ironically, Adam 23:14 is my favorite bible verse about being shelled by the Phillies.
Philadelphia stretched it to 9-0 by the end of the second frame, at which point their Win Probability was ... somehow only 98.3%? Does the formula account for the randomness of spring training and the parade of unknown relievers who were due to follow?
Maybe the algorithm knew something; Boston immediately scored four in the bottom of the inning to make it a game.
Both Teams Absolutely Crushed it With Runners in Scoring Position
This was not the kind of day where you wanted to award free passes; the Phillies went 8-for-16 with RISP, while the Red Sox went a ridiculous 6-for-9. Not everyone was hitting, though.
Rafael Márchan Lost Ground in the Phillies' Backup Catcher Race in a Game Where His Team Scored 18 Times
Imagine starting this game while battling for reps behind JT Realmuto and going 0-for-3 (with, yes, a walk), then giving way to Josh Breaux, who drills a home run to stretch things further in the ninth, raising his spring average to .429 with a 1.786 OPS? Couldn't be Mé-rchan.
And, most ridiculously of all...
Trayce Thompson Didn't Record a Hit!
The journeyman Red Sox non-roster invitee has been scalding the baseball this spring, leading all of MLB with six home runs and still holding onto a robust 1.739 OPS, something we call a "Quadruple Rendon". Unfortunately, he didn't leap in the offensive sandbox on Tuesday, going 0-for-1 in two plate appearances before being replaced by Vaughn Grissom.
Not at all shocking, though? Before he left, he recorded a walk.