In the Korean reality TV competition Culinary Class Wars, the relatively unheralded “Black Spoon” chefs have to spend the first round competing among themselves, while the celebrity “White Spoon” chefs get to sit on the sideline and scout them as potential opponents. That’s what this round of the Champions League reminds me of, as the top eight teams from the league phase watch their TVs while the middle 16 clubs scrap for their European seasons.
Now that half of those teams are out and the other half are preparing to play against the White Spoon teams, let’s look at what happened.
Champions League Winners
Club Brugge
It’s usually Atalanta who play the role of Cinderella in the Champions League, but when the Belgian side came to Gewiss Stadium in Bergamo, it was like one of the ugly stepsisters beating up Cinderella, stealing her glass slippers, and riding off in the carriage with Prince Charming. The visitors soaked up pressure and picked off the Italians on the break, and Simon Mignolet (hey Liverpool fans, remember him?) had an excellent game in Brugge’s goal, including a saved penalty. Atalanta captain Rafael Tolói put a rugby hit on Maxim de Cuyper after some baiting by the latter and got himself ejected. That team that threw a scare into Manchester City during the final round of league play? Yeah, they’re still here.
Kylian Mbappé
There’s the guy we saw winning a World Cup title for France and hauled them to another World Cup final. There’s the guy we figured would be running rampant in a white jersey when Real Madrid signed him. His hat trick put Manchester City to the sword and made him the latest to stand triumphant over that flailing team. We never really saw this version of Mbappé at PSG, but we're seeing him now.
Benfica
The craziest game took place at the Estádio da Luz, as Benfica’s 1-0 lead from the first leg turned into a 4-3 win on aggregate, with Monaco substitute George Ilenikhena seeming to have tied it up with his goal in the 81st minute before Benfica’s Orkun Kökçü backheeled in Álvaro Carreras’ cross three minutes later to send the home team to the next round. The game was bad for the home fans’ hearts, especially with Ukrainian goalkeeper Anatoliy Trubin looking as dodgy as a 12-euro note, but the Portuguese side are alive.
The Netherlands
Feyenoord and PSV were both underdogs against their Italian opponents, and they both managed to come through despite Feyenoord having so many players out injured that they had to start three teenagers. Thanks to Theo Hernandez’ boneheadedness and Juventus’ lack of composure (see the losers’ section), the Dutch clubs survive. Hup Holland hup!
Rui Silva
The Sporting Lisbon goalkeeper at least showed up for his team, with a clean sheet against Borussia Dortmund that included a saved penalty and a spectacular stop of Daniel Svensson’s shot from outside the box. If only his teammates hadn’t waited until the 85th minute to put a shot on target, they might have made this tie interesting.
Khvicha Kvaratskhelia
His old team Napoli didn’t make the Champions League this year, and while I’d question the long-term wisdom of his move to Paris St.-Germain during the recent transfer window, it does at least get him time in the CL this season. He bagged his first goal and assisted on another one during his team’s lopsided win over Brest.
Tim Weah
Against PSV Eindhoven, the Juventus winger scored a magnificent strike from way outside the box, one even better than the one his fellow American Weston McKennie scored against PSV last week. That should have won the tie for the Old Lady, but Juventus found a way to be Juventus.
Champions League losers
Rúben Dias
During Manchester City’s slump earlier in the season, people said that it was because he was out injured, but it was the Portuguese defender wearing the captain’s armband who was beaten by a couple of simple balls over the top for Mbappé (and also left standing by Rodrygo’s cutback to the Frenchman, which put Joško Gvardiol on the ground). Yes, the vaunted City offense didn’t trouble Thibaut Courtois until the tie was well out of reach, but the defense put up precious little resistance to a Real side that played with a sense of purpose.
Theo Hernandez
The Milan left back flopped in the penalty box in an attempt to draw a spot kick. Instead, the pink-and-blond-haired Frenchman drew a second yellow card for diving (after an even more pointless first one for some shoving at the end of the first half) and handed his opponents the man advantage with the aggregate score still tied. Julián Carranza headed home Hugo Bueno’s cross to give the Dutch side a glorious upset. Remember, kids: Cheating can backfire on you.
Juventus
They just find ways to lose in this competition, don’t they? The bianconeri were ahead of PSV thanks to Weah’s goal and just needed to see out the last 17 minutes of the game at the Philips Stadion. Instead, Ismael Saibari scrambled a cross into Juve’s net to send the match to extra time, and Ryan Flamingo (yes, that’s his real name) bundled home a rebound for a victory that they’ll be talking about for years in North Brabant. One day the team from Turin is going to find a way to break through and win the Champions League, but it won’t be this year.
Italy
Bologna went out in the league phase, and now Milan, Atalanta, and Juventus have all fallen in the prelims. That leaves only Inter carrying the red, white, and green for Italia. I’m old enough to remember when Serie A was the best league in the world. Not so much these days.
Cameron Carter-Vickers
There really wasn’t much else the Celtic defender could do from his position, but his attempted clearance rebounded off Alphonso Davies to give Bayern Munich the winning goal. Celtic turned in one of those heroic displays of defending that the British love to valorize, and the American was part of it right up until that moment.
Gian Piero Gasperini
The Atalanta coach threw his player under the team bus when he called Ademola Lookman “one of the worst penalty takers I’ve ever seen” after he saw his penalty stopped by Simon Mignolet. Lookman didn’t take a great shot, it’s true, but even if he had converted that spot kick, his team still would have been two goals down. Signore, how about taking some responsibility for a game plan that left Atalanta so open to counterattacks when they were only behind by one goal when the match started? Blame Lookman for biffing the penalty, but you can’t blame him for wanting to play elsewhere now. Maybe this is why a coach who’s so good at getting underdog teams to overachieve hasn’t had more success.
Non-PSG fans who watched Paris St.-Germain vs. Brest
Watching one team score seven goals has never been duller.