Hello, all! We trust you received the New York Yankees' full injury report that we released and distributed five minutes ago. Unfortunately, since the publication of that rundown, Yankees players have suffered just a few additional tweaks and maladies. Here is an updated version of that injury report, in accordance with very recent changes:
- We previously announced that Giancarlo Stanton will start the season on the Injured List with tennis elbow in both his right and left elbows. We have now been informed that Stanton has suffered the condition in a third elbow. His timeline for return is TBD.
- Infielder Oswald Peraza suffered a strained jaw after dropping it in disbelief following "Anora" actress Mikey Madison's Best Actress win over Demi Moore at the 97th Oscars. He will begin taking dry swings in 1-2 weeks.
- Starter Clarke Schmidt has been "lost" since hearing a birdcall that sounded almost exactly like his uncle's laugh. He will take 15-20 days to process the similarities.
- Utility infielder Andrew Velazquez will miss two weeks after swallowing a bug while charging a slow grounder in Saturday's win over the Houston Astros. He will begin taking dry heaves immediately.
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Yankees Injury Report: Someone (not sure who) is stuck in a bathtub
The door is locked, and the person in question is able to have full and coherent conversations, but cannot recall their own name. If anyone has any idea who's in this bathtub, please reach out to Aaron Boone immediately.
- On the topic of names, relief pitcher Yerry De Los Santos recently introduced himself to Yankees GM Brian Cashman as "Mario Bravo". He has no idea why he did that, and will miss 10-15 days from the resulting embarrassment.
- The following Yankees prospects willingly climbed to the bottom of the well to retrieve a Magic: The Gathering card, and cannot get out: Brendan Jones, Gage Ziehl, Braden Shewmake, Brendan Beck, Roc Riggio, Grant Richardson, Clayton Beeter, Jorbit Vivas, Ben Hess, Brock Selvidge, Elmer Rodriguez-Cruz, Zach Messinger, and Griffin Herring. Ironically, if one more prospect were to climb into the well, they'd have enough bodies to reach the top by constructing a human ladder, but nobody else wants to go in there.
- Relief pitcher Mark Leiter Jr. suffered four broken ribs charging at a windmill in a fit of madness. He is currently, much like the man who has to continue assembling these injury reports, day-to-day.
- Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner was spotted with a small scratch on his chin. Unwilling to pay for neosporin or a bandaid, the scratch has lingered for a bizarrely long time.
- And, finally, we previously noted Oswald Peraza's injured jaw. Somehow, he actually managed to wedge it back into place in the dugout, but strained his shoulder afterward patting himself on the back. His timeline has been reset.