An age-old tradition is underway again this week, as thousands of dyed-in-the-wool devotees with staunchly conservative societal views watch to see if smoke will rise. That's right: The St. Louis Cardinals are playing the Washington Nationals, and fans are dying to know whether manager Oli Marmol will start steaming from the ears after a terrible call.
Also, the Pope is happening.
Which begs the question: Will the Best Fans in Baseball reign supreme this week in tuning in to watch their middling team face off against several people who are not Paul Skenes, increasing their chances of losing? Or will the Best Fans in Catholicism win out, glued to wall-to-wall coverage of robed men puttering around?
One thing's for sure: if I've learned anything from the movie "Conclave," one of these Cardinals has a secret that could upend everything. And I'm not talking about Albert Pujols' birth certificate.
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Will more fans watch Conclave or St. Louis Cardinals' middling May schedule?
Entering Day 2 of the Conclave, more black smoke was in the offing, signaling that eager viewers must still wait for a decision. It felt like watching John Mozeliak attempt to trade Nolan Arenado this offseason.
Top contenders for the highest-ranking position in the Catholic Church include Matteo Zuppi (Roman-born and a close confidant of the previous Pope), Pietro Parolin (the Vatican's secretary of state), and Pierbattista Pizzaballa (Italian, which is crazy). We're also hearing that, if this process goes further sideways, Chaim Bloom may just take over next week and do it himself. No one knows what goes on beyond these sacred walls - well, one guy does, but he's in jail now after stealing all of the Cardinals' proprietary data for the Astros.
Cardinals and Cardinal fandom is actually strikingly similar these days (though there are probably more papacy fancams than Brendan Donovan-related TikToks). Both have completely swept over insulated regions (St. Louis and Vatican City). Both come with an inherent superiority complex. Both draw smaller crowds than they used to. I wouldn't read the Facebook comments dedicated to either of 'em.
But while the overall popularity of the religion and its sphere of influence may have shrunk since its golden age, the Conclave still brings out the little kid in all of us who just wants to see Stan Musial get off that bus holding a suitcase. Millions of Americans who otherwise wouldn't be invested in an iota of organized religion will be keeping a watchful eye on the proceedings and picking favorites. The Cardinals would have to make the World Series to garner this kind of attention again, and even that probably wouldn't be enough. The Cardinals would have to make the Super Bowl or something.
If you're wondering who will likely capture more eyeballs this week, bet on the Pope. Well, actually, definitely do not bet on the Pope. That's, like, the one thing you should not bet on. But ... if you still want to ... I've got Jordan Walker +200,000,000 and it feels like a worthwhile longshot.