Major League Baseball: What a product! It airs on seven different networks, 12 different paid subscription services and, if you live in Chicago and subscribe to MLB's online streaming service, good news: You can't watch the Cubs, so you're a San Francisco Giants fan now! But, despite these barriers to entry and media missteps, one thing we've thankfully avoided is a bonafide MLB Hot Take Screaming Show.
NBA has 'em. NFL has 'em. Every game is a referendum on a player's entire legacy. Every superstar is either a coward or a champion — and one year without being a champion can send even the most decorated veterans right back to coward status. The discourse around Major League Baseball still occasionally veers towards feeding one specific dude Blame Pie, but it rarely goes Full Bayless ... until now. Imagine if Rafael Devers of the Boston Red Sox was subject to the same flaming scorn that every NBA team captain deals with on a daily basis?
Imagine no more.
*NOTE: Boston sports radio may or may not be actively doing this anyway, but these are invented conversations, not transcripts*
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What if Red Sox star Rafael Devers was subjected to NBA Hot Take Shows-level analysis?
"Coming up: There's a literal new team in the NL Central, and it's not who you think. Plus, could Mike Trout beat up Iron Man? But first, WHO does Rafael Devers think he is? The Red Sox self-proclaimed Team MVP refuses to play first base. He won't even pick up a glove! He won't even look at a glove! (pauses for effect, slides chair back, lowers glasses) He ... won't even think ... about the concept of a glove. How did we get here, and WHO do I have to scream-text at in all caps to get more mint water?!"
"Well, Devers thinks he's an apex predator, but he's clearly a glorified No. 2. More like a beta predator. A lion with one weak paw or a shark that can't turn left."
"How many rings does Devers have?"
"One."
"ONE?"
"One."
"Might as well be zero."
"Might as well be a bucket of fish water, sir."
"SIR!"
"And here's where I'm hung up: He's got hands, doesn't he?"
"Well, well, well, hold on, now. We don't know if he has hands."
"We don't?"
"I don't watch baseball myself. I can't confirm he has hands."
"Well, I *watched* the tape. He hit a two-run homer the other day. Hate to break it to you, pal, but you need hands to do that."
"Ok, well we will agree to disagree on that."
"Where does Devers rank for you in the pantheon of television villains?"
"You got Walter White. You've got Tony Soprano-"
"Whoa, whoa, COME ON, now. You're naming anti-heroes on me. I said villains."
"Well, I started naming anti-heroes to give Devers a chance. If it's pure villains, he's number one."
"Here's the thing: He needs to be a leader. He needs to lead. He also needs to listen to his manager. And listen to his boss. And do what they say."
"Oh, well, I mean, it goes without saying we should also fire the coach and GM."
"Oh, of course. Every coach and every GM should be out of a job."
"And obviously I don't know that a baseball coach is commonly called a manager."
"No, of course not. Why would you know that? Why would anyone?"
"Well, if he won't listen, then trade him! Trade. Him. And get someone better."
"That's so easy to do."
"If you get someone better, we promise, we'll never badmouth that player or the team ever again. Because they'll be better. According to our pyramid, they'll be better."
"It's curtains on us complaining if the team simply gets better. We'll have no qualms then, we promise. It's curtains on qualms."
"Anyway, if Devers is serious about winning, he'll come on this show. No, seriously, he'll come on this show, and tell me straight to my face why he won't take the ball himself and demand a major defensive scheme change. I've got time. This show airs for 12 hours every single day in gyms across the country. We'll work around your schedule, Rafael. We will be here."
"It's a date. Coming up after the break, we're going to bring David Ortiz live on the air from 2:00 to 5:45, give him a fistful of Cohiba cigars, and simply let him cook. Stay with us."