Oh, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. extended for $500 million with the Toronto Blue Jays? Who is that? I'm not sure I've heard that name before, as a diehard fan of the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, or New York Mets. Am I pronouncing that correctly? It's "junior," right?
Anyway, good! This provides a perfect opportunity for me to practice some of the lies I've been working on for such an occasion.
You see, after months of bluster about how Vladdy's Instagram likes proved he wanted to join the Red Sox/how good Vladdy would look with a well-trimmed beard/how Vladdy saying "hello" to Juan Soto and Jose Siri (HE SAID HELLO!!!) was proof positive he would replace Pete Alonso, I've now decided to pivot to the next-best thing: coping and the assurance that this is how I felt all along.
I'm glad Vlad Jr. re-upped with the Blue Jays. We didn't want him anyway. On that note, here are a few of my other favorite lies, all of which are more believable than the previous statement.
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Lies more believable than Yankees, Red Sox and Mets fans "not even wanting" Vladimir Guerrero Jr.
"We really wanted Kyle Tucker anyway. He was the missing piece."
"Vlad was being serious when he said he'd never go to the Yankees, even though I was calling that 'posturing' two weeks ago. Now I believe it."
"You know, it's not all about spending. After getting Juan Soto for $700 million, we should really put a stop to this whole 'spending' thing, focus on homegrown talent again."
"If Triston Casas keeps up his current pace of doing yoga, he can eventually become Vlad Jr. He has the pliability for it."
"Ooh, sorry, I missed your text!"
"Ooh, sorry, I missed your text about Vlad Jr.! I was busy texting about Kyle Tucker. He was the missing piece."
"No, totally cool if you keep eating my fries. I wasn't interested in those anyway. I didn't order them with the intention of eating them."
"My ex and I ended things totally mutually. For example, he wanted to extend with the Blue Jays and I was completely fine with that."
"You know what? I hope even more of my weekends get occupied by babies' christenings!"
"Cleaning out the gutters ... I love it! You couldn't pay me $500 million over 14 years not to do this."
"Watching ebullient sluggers hit massive home runs against my team is my real passion."
"I've never read and refreshed Kyle Tucker's Savant page more than six times a day, nor have I Googled 'Munetaka Murakami what happened why bad now' before. What are you talking about?"