MLB All-Stars as Westminster Kennel Club dog breeds

The 149th annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show made its glorious return to Madison Square Garden this week, and I was lucky enough to attend Monday's showcase event/group stage. I haven't seen that much frenzied energy and yapping on the Garden court since ... Saturday, when Josh Hart played the Celtics.

Watching the various breeds sprint, stop, sit, stay, and slo-mo shuffle was a joy to behold - my favorite part was, after a winner was crowned, watching them all converge around the victor, like a furry court storm. Of course, I did get distracted with one more sleep 'til spring training, and started thinking about baseball (for the first time in my life!). And that's how we ended up with .... dogs as guys.

MLB All-Stars as Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show competitors: Meet the Breeds

Affenpinscher: Gunnar Henderson. This little tongue-out rumbling knuckle is up to no good, whistling its way around the bases with a smirk. Despite its diminutive nature, though, it always seems to come out on top in these tournaments (who could forget Banana Joe?!). Certified clutch.

Wire-Haired Dachshund: According to Monday's in-arena announcer, "the hard and wiry coat forms an attractive mustache and beard". You can't tell the story of the short-legged wire-haired dachshund without zeroing in on its facial hair, the kind of sharp goatee that could chip glass. Trademark beard, squats close to the ground...yeah, this is Jeff Bagwell. The regular dachshund is Jose Ramirez.

Whippet: Bobby Whippett Jr. of the Kansas City Royals. According to the American Kennel Club, whippets are "lightning quick" and "synonymous with streamlined grace" and I fully believe it. Monday's group champion whippet was named Bourbon, which sounds like "Bobby" if you've had five bourbons.

Bulldog: A bulldog, the breed that has come to embody tenacity, hard-headedness, and drooling in the sporting world, has somehow not won this event for over 70 years, a gap so egregious that Mug Root Beer is awarding the "Bestest BullDawg Award" this year just to give 'em something. That doesn't feel right for this exercise. I don't want to compare a consummate tryhard loser to a bulldog. An MLB player who exerts excess energy, makes his entire brand "grunting," yet still comes up short, despite receiving endless hustle-based accolades? I mean, does that person even exis -- oh, right, it's Bryce Harper.

Silky Terrier: According to the AKC, Silky Terriers are "10-inch-tall dynamos animated by curiosity and high spirits," "keenly alert" of their surroundings. Let's combine an advanced feel for the game with a petite presence and bundled joy ... give me Trea Turner and his silky smooth slides.

Pomeranian: Coiffed on the outside, puffed up eternally, bark worse than his bite ... but, let's be honest, it would be kind of fun to be bitten by one of these. You could tell your friends, "No, seriously, you won't believe what bit me." Fernando Tatis Jr.

Long Coat Chihuahua: Unlike the short coat chihuahua, the long coat chihuahua has a longer coat. According to Purina, the "ears should be dripping with fringe". That's Shōta Imanaga.

German Shepherd: Stoic. Friendly. All-knowing. Intimidating to some, beloved by all (non-NL Central rivals). It's Paul Skenes.

Schipperke: Terry Francona, the ultimate Skipper Key. Now, let's see if he unlocks the young Reds.

Miniature Pinscher: A tiny pain in the ass? Dustin Pedroia. Next.