NOTE: This is satire. Craig Breslow has not, to our knowledge, ever eaten breakfast.
Good morning. Yeah, g-good morning, definitely a good morning. Let me ask you a question: Are you still doing the waffle special? Even though it's 4:12 a.m.? Got it, great.
OK, so let's do the waffle special, side of hash browns, black coffee. No syrup. Yeah, no, I understand, but I'd like to do it without the syrup. Y-you know, it may surprise you, but I'd actually wager there's a chance the waffle tastes better with no syrup. Plus, it'll make the foundation more sustainable. No lingering wetness. By bite 12, you'll swear it's still bite four, in terms of integrity.
The syrup always ends up leaking into all parts of the waffle. It corrupts the waffle. We can't have that. And, if you wouldn't mind, can we replace the syrup with two hard-boiled eggs, then mail those eggs to Worcester? Thanks muchly.
Actually, while we're here, does the special come with sausage? Alright, great, lose the sausage. And take the sausage City Connect jerseys out of the window, if that's alright, I can't look at those.
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Red Sox CBO Craig Breslow enjoys hearty breakfast after Rafael Devers trade
Replace the sausage with what? No, no, I'd rather not replace it with anything, actually. The centerpiece of the plate is the waffle. The hashbrowns are the sidekick. I'm — no, I'm actually not worried about the hashbrowns taking on a more prominent role too early. I don't want the hashbrowns to have to be the savior, but if they wanted to be the savior, that'd be dynamite.
Look, it's not the breakfast I wanted. Even though I ordered it. Could I have done a better job with plate construction? Or managing the sides? Sure. But even if I'd done a better job, would it have turned out differently? Aren't these the only food items you guys have on the menu? They're not? You have plenty more food items?
You know, back at Yale, we often faced similar dilemmas in the Dining Hall while gurgling all that water and gasping for air. Sorry — the "Dining Hall" is what I called the toilet my face was often shoved in.
On second thought, is the sausage still available? It's not that I'm regretting sending it away. Far from it. It's just that the circumstances have changed somewhat. The hashbrowns look compromised. I know I just told you to ditch the sausage, but have you perhaps given a second thought to bringing it to me? I understand that felt like whiplash. But you'd really be helping out the waffle if you strapped that glove on — that sausage-handling glove. So that's a no? Fair. Could I have handled that better? Who can say? It certainly felt like an inflection point.
Oh, and you'll be paying for this entire breakfast, I assume? Oh. Well, what do I have to do to make that happen? Alright, fantastic: Scrap the waffle, nix the hash browns, keep the coffee and add five paper cups and a sugar packet. Deal.
Did you just call me a "f***ing stiff"?