Fanatics Fest, held at NYC's Javits Center over the weekend (the biggest building in the world, by my incredibly slapdash estimation), was an astounding event of superior sprawl. Name a person; they were there. That goes for celebrities, athletes and regular citizens. I'm pretty sure I saw my second grade teacher Ms. Ressner hobnobbing with IShowSpeed before running the 40-yard dash at a mock NFL Combine.
Amid countless tables selling sportscards, card breakers on live streams, interactive events, league activations and exclusive merchandise, I saw the following things in the literal four hours I attended on Friday morning:
- Dwight Howard crashing the UFC booth
- D'Angelo Russell looking confused while standing in Li-Ning Sportswear's setup
- Yankees pitcher Will Warren unboxing rare hats (and pulling/spitting at a David Ortiz hat)
- Tom Brady engaging in a football-throwing contest (lefty) with a small child
- Wade Boggs being interviewed by MLB player Xavier Scruggs and admitting that his favorite Milwaukee chef once left the restaurant, shopped for chicken for Boggs, then brought it directly to the clubhouse
- A group of 8-10 athletes of various sports (Coby White? Duncan Robinson? Aaron Donald?) being given a personal tour like kids on a field trip to the aquarium
And that four hours includes the 45 minutes I spent in a panel on the Yankees' 2009 greatness and how it can be recaptured. Side note: People in the crowd have to — have to — stop yelling out random exclamations during panel discussions featuring the legends of our generation. While Derek Jeter was describing how difficult it is to pick between his championships, because they're like his children, a man in the media section yelled, "I have two kids!"
Later, when Spike Lee told a story about getting a red Yankee hat customized with George Steinbrenner's help, someone yelled, "Flex!" I might've missed the memo, but I'm pretty sure the panel wasn't advertised as, "Local 40-Year-Old Interrupts the Core Four With Ill-Advised T-Pain Impression".
Arguably the Fest's most breathtaking installation was the Museum of Greatness, curated by Fanatics and Sports Illustrated. The display featured massive cases of the most valuable sportscards and memorabilia known to man. There was an incomprehensibly packed case of "Pro Debut" 1/1s, signed and featuring a patch directly off the jerseys of several of MLB's top rookies from their first-ever game (Paul Skenes' was on display upstairs in a separate booth).
There were unopened packs dating back to the 1940s. Mickey Mantle's rookie card? Check, and graded. The Honus Wagner T-206 card? There are under 20 in the world, and one was there. The world's greatest Caitlin Clark collection? Swish. The baseball Freddie Freeman hammered to beat the Yankees in Game 1 of the World Series last year? Unfortunately, that exists, and it was there.
While taking in the information/origin stories and absorbing the incredible visuals, my mind sadly traveled at warp speed into the planning process for 100 different heists.
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Ridiculous baseball cards at the Museum of Greatness at Fanatics Fest had me envisioning red lasers and looking for security checkpoints
There had to be a moment when the Javits Center was completely empty ... right? Would there be overnight guards stationed around the perimeter? Would I be able to tempt them into a different room by claiming IShowSpeed wanted to jump over 12 carburetors?
To make matters even more tempting, the jersey Tom Brady wore in Super Bowl LI — which was stolen from the locker room — was on display. If I was going to put together a team of people with a very specific set of skills, I knew exactly where to start.
Of course, I did not succumb to temptation; I only stole three priceless baseball cards (kidding). Objectively, though, tucked away in the (true quiet was impossible, but ...) quietest corner of the event, the Museum of Greatness represented my ideal reality. The sprinting crowds can keep their creators, influencers and merch drops. I'll take the pristine and purest distillation of excellence — a sparkling blue signature on a premium-pressed chrome card.
No, like, literally, I will take it. Can I take it?