One hilariously unserious reason LeBron should sign with every NBA team

We all know LeBron James is one of the greatest players in the history of basketball. He’s also one of the funniest.

LeBron elevates making things about himself to a high art, and it often comes off at the moment and in retrospective as simply hilarious. There’s a LeBron-esque way of handling things, such as his wonderfully ambiguous quote after getting swept by the Oklahoma City Thunder: “I’ll take time to recalibrate and look over the season and see what’s best for my future.” We all knew this LeBron-esque response was coming, even though we also all know he’s coming back next year. But he delivered anyway, and that’s why we love him.

In the spirit of our glorious king, we here at Oliver Fox NBA Comedy Consulting Ltd. have decided to take this LeBron James free agency, probably the last one we will ever get to enjoy, not particularly seriously. We have all offseason to figure out where it actually makes sense for James to go, financially and whatnot, but right now let’s discuss all the LeBron-esque ways he could make every team in the league about LeBron James, and one made-up, LeBron-esque quote he would drop when signing there. These are totally contract agnostic; just imagine he signs a minimum everywhere. That’s the only way to maximize fun.

Boston Celtics

• Reason for signing: Retirement tour villain arc like John Cena
• Fake LeBron quote: “I’ve actually wanted to play with Tatum and Brown since I faced them in 2018 Conference Finals, they were special … I knew eventually I’d end up with them”

James ending up in Boston would be hysterical and would make literally zero sense; he’d be totally redundant for the roster and would have to kind of just … stand in the corner? But it would be pretty great to see how the rest of the East, specifically Cleveland (not exactly Boston’s biggest fan) would react to this heel turn.

New York Knicks

• Reason for signing: Big Apple Bron chases one last ring
• Fake LeBron quote: “Madison Square Garden is the best stadium in sports … this has always been my temple and where I fought some of my toughest battles” (editors note: LeBron has played zero tough battles in MSG)

He’s already taken on Los Angeles, so why can’t just-a-kid-from-Akron become the biggest thing on both coasts? Plus, I think a minimum LeBron works great on the Knicks as some kind of Sixth Man. LeSixth-Man-of-the-Year? Oh yeah.

Toronto Raptors

• Reason for signing: “LeBronto” nickname is too good to pass up
• Fake LeBron quote: “I’ve always felt that Canada was the future of the NBA. Wouldn’t be surprised if we get two or three more teams up north eventually” (editors note: we had two more, they moved) 

We finally get LeBronto. It's been far too long.

Philadelphia 76ers

• Reason for signing: 250th Anniversary of the USA, LeRed White and Blue.
• Fake LeBron quote: “Always had so much respect for Nick Nurse and Josh Harris, this franchise is run by real professionals.” 

The 76ers are in cap hell and that’s putting it mildly, so some sort of crazy-tricked-out last dance with Joel Embiid, Paul George and LeBron James with Tyrese Maxey and VJ Edgecombe wondering what on earth happened would be great.

Brooklyn Nets

• Reason for signing: Emerging real estate opportunities in Brooklyn
• Fake LeBron quote: “Brooklyn is the future of New York, you can feel the gravity shifting across the river.” 

LeReal Estate Developer could really invest in one of the hottest and fastest growing parts of New York City. There’s no reason whatsoever for him to sign with the … basketball team, but there will be ample financial opportunities if he’s looking to make some connections.

Detroit Pistons

• Reason for signing: Last piece of the puzzle, one last time
• Fake LeBron quote: “These guys in Detroit are so clearly on the upswing, I just wanted to be a small part of it.”

LeBron would, of course, be the biggest piece of the puzzle immediately as soon as he arrived in Detroit, but he would arguably fit well on one of the NBA’s best young teams that just needs to get some experience in the door.

Cleveland Cavaliers

• Reason for signing: Do I really have to explain this to you?
• Fake LeBron quote: “CLEEEEEEEEEVELAND!!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!”

About as self-explanatory as the word “self-explanatory.” Let’s move on.

Milwaukee Bucks

• Reason for signing: Team most willing to mortgage entire future on star
• Fake LeBron quote: “I really trust the long-term vision of this franchise and feel like they do right by their players.” 

After the Bucks trade Giannis Antetokounmpo, they will replace him with LeBron James and run the weirdest retirement tour of all time by trading all their assets (that they have left, basically nothing) to build a 38-44 team around James. Would be wicked.

Chicago Bulls

• Reason for signing: He can ask Michael Jordan to unretire number 23 for him for a year
• Fake LeBron quote: “This is a city of champions, of great players, I wanted to add my name to that list, get my number up in those rafters.” 

I don’t think I would ever recover if the Bulls somehow let LeBron wear 23 for a year. The GOAT debate would get launched into outer space and we’d all have to wear hazmat suits.

Indiana Pacers

• Reason for signing: They lost their pick, so LeBron comes and saves them
• Fake LeBron quote: “I would have drafted Tyrese Haliburton higher, I was talking to Bronny back during that draft and we both agreed that was too low.”

So long as you ignore the small media market, LeBron in Indiana would make for a fun return to the Eastern Conference and send their fans heads spinning after they just lost their pick. It would be a lot to take in.

Atlanta Hawks

• Reason for signing: LeBron takes over their theme night planning department
• Fake LeBron quote: “CJ McCollum is one of the elite players of our generation, should get real consideration for the Hall of Fame.”  

Atlanta always seems to be in every rumor, perhaps since they’re about one slice short of a loaf as a contender. Could LeBron be that slice?

Orlando Magic

• Reason for signing: Florida Man Bron returns for one last ride
• Fake LeBron quote: “When I was in Miami, I’d come up to Orlando all the time. It’s a great city.”

Going from Miami to Orlando as a decade-long Florida arc would be … a choice, but maybe he can teach Paolo Banchero the ways of the Jedi and turn him into the next great forward.

Charlotte Hornets

• Reason for signing: He also buys the team, owning the team Jordan owned
• Fake LeBron quote: “Everyone could see how great this team was last year, they got a little unlucky, but Charlotte is the place to be in the league right now.”

This wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever for anyone involved, so I had to throw in LeBron buying the team to get it across the finish line. They aren’t even for sale, but such considerations are trivial. I’m sure the NBA could make it happen.

Miami Heat

• Reason for signing: The Decision 2: Back to South Beach gets made into a movie
• Fake LeBron quote: “These years in Miami were the happiest of my career, I could really see living here for the rest of my life.”

Imagine if he says “I’m taking my talents to South Beach … again!” and then stares at the camera like some kind of sitcom character from the mid-90s. That would be cinema.

Washington Wizards

• Reason for signing: LeBron begins his move into politics
• Fake LeBron quote: “You have to know where the power is, where you can make the most change. I felt that was here.”

LeBron running for public office would shut down the internet. LeSpeaker of the House? LePresident? D.C. is the place to get that train rolling.

Oklahoma City Thunder

• Reason for signing: LeBron decides he's sick of everyone liking him
• Fake LeBron quote: “You know, I thought long and hard about this, but this was what was best for me and my family.”

This would make going to Boston look like a children’s puppet show. It wouldn’t exactly be Kevin Durant to the Warriors, since Durant was way better than LeBron is now when he did that, but it would be some weird … Twilight Zone version of that. 

Denver Nuggets

• Reason for signing: He combines his basketball genius brain with Jokic’s to create a black hole
• Fake LeBron quote: “Nikola is one of those guys you just have to play with before you retire. We’ve always talked about playing together since he was still in Serbia, I reached out.”

I don’t know if this would actually be effective, but it would at least be cool to see them try to solve the geometry of a basketball court together. There would never again be so many no-look post-up passes per capita. They would corner the market on that stat.

Minnesota Timberwolves

• Reason for signing: Wants to mentor Anthony Edwards into the next LeBron, not the next Jordan
• Fake LeBron quote: “Minnesota is such a great sports city.” (editors note: historically, they are one of the least successful sports cities)

Does this move help the Timberwolves? Uh, not really, but it would at least be intriguing to see LeBron work with Julius Randle since they never actually crossed paths in Los Angeles. Would that even be intriguing? Probably not, honestly.

Portland Trail Blazers

• Reason for signing: Staging ground for buying the Seattle expansion team
• Fake LeBron quote: “Dame is my guy, always had the utmost respect for him as a star … you know, he’s still one of the premier players in this league and I’m ready to get to work.”

LeBron might make this about his time playing with Jrue Holiday on Team USA, but we all know he’d actually have his eyes a bit further north for the Seattle team. We all thought he would be in on Las Vegas, but he pulls the LeSwitcheroo.

Utah Jazz

• Reason for signing: I don’t … I don’t really know
• Fake LeBron quote: “Salt Lake City is next up for American sports cities, and I wanted to get in on the ground floor of that.”

Utah’s status as a place NBA players don’t want to play would immediately go up in smoke overnight, as LeBron James electively going to Salt Lake would be a seismic shift in their reputation as a sports city. They managed to get AJ Dybantsa to BYU, so anything is possible.

Los Angeles Lakers

• Reason for signing: He’s already there
• Fake LeBron quote: “I never thought about leaving LA. This is my home.”

He certainly thought about leaving LA, but Bronny is too much to walk away from.

Phoenix Suns

• Reason for signing: Uno-Reverse Dillon Brooks Team-up
• Fake LeBron quote: “Dillon and I have had our differences, but we met up at my beach house when I was thinking of signing here and we got on the same page.”

Brooks was present for the Lakers’ demise in Game 4, wearing way too much ice for the occasion and smiling ear to ear as LeBron struggled to avoid the sweep. Whatever you may think about Brooks, he’s really, really committed to the bit.

Los Angeles Clippers

• Reason for signing: A really lucrative tree planting endorsement
• Fake LeBron quote: “I love the values of this team, their commitment to environmentalism and I wanted to be a part of that without uprooting my life in LA.”

Unfortunately for comedy’s sake, there is no way this will happen. But people would immediately comb through records of endorsements and Steve Balmer investments to see if there’s any tomfoolery afoot.

Golden State Warriors

• Reason for signing: Steph-LeBron-Draymond Expendables
• Fake LeBron quote: “Me and Steph always wanted to finish this together, there will be time to reflect on our careers, but we think we can win right now.”

The LeBron Player-Coach dream died with the Steve Kerr extension, but what if we get Klay Thompson back here too? Any other old dudes we can grab? We already have Al Horford … Mike Conley? is Paul Millsap still around? Someone get me his number.

Sacramento Kings

• Reason for signing: There would not be a good reason
• Fake LeBron quote: “Man … why did I do this again?” 

I cannot think of a single reason LeBron James would sign with the Sacramento Kings. It would be the most shocking decision in NBA history, topping the Luka Doncic trade by eight billion percent.

San Antonio Spurs

• Reason for signing: LeVictor WemBronyama
• Fake LeBron quote: “This guy is the future of the league, I had to see it up close and do what I can to help him get there.”

Another giga-villain move, it would admittedly be awesome to watch LeBron show Wemby how to crack defenses and throw him lobs from every angle imaginable. That’s a sci-fi LeBron outcome, plus he’d look cool in the Spurs colors (everyone does).

Houston Rockets

• Reason for signing: LeBron-Durant Alliance
• Fake LeBron quote: “We were so impressed with these guys in the playoffs last year, I left that series thinking this was the team I wanted to be a part of.”

Playing against those Rockets could not have endeared him to their direction and future, but you never quite know with a man as mysterious as James. Perhaps he saw some potential the rest of us missed.

New Orleans Pelicans

• Reason for signing: Zion Williamson mentorship program
• Fake LeBron quote: “New Orleans is such a basketball city, I’ve always felt this way” (editors note: it’s not.)

It’s a little late for Zion mentorships, but we might as well still do it. He should also probably just take over as LeGM full-time, because there are many questions about how this team is run and if they actually know what they’re doing.

Dallas Mavericks

• Reason for signing: Luka trade Anthony Davis reversal witchcraft
• Fake LeBron quote: “The Lakers and Mavericks have a productive history of working together, so they made the transition easy for me.”

This would be quite something, since Dallas could add “LeBron James” to their return in the Luka Dončić trade. What a time to be alive.

Memphis Grizzlies

• Reason for signing: Lol
• Fake LeBron quote: “I didn’t mean what I said about not liking Memphis. That was AI.”

The ultimate pivot from the ultimate disrespect. That’s why he’s a 1 of 1. 

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